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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/3/19

Rex is, it goes without saying, going to eventually do some kind of intervention here and try to get Serena the Chemtrail Healer shut down and is probably going to be a real smug prick about it in the process, but we all see that contemplative chin scratch in panel one, right? That’s a man thinking about the lucrative future of telemedicine, as well as the ancillary revenues that can be generated by various Rex Morgan-branded media products. Of course, Rex’s offerings would all be in line with accepted medical procedures — you know, more or less. The point is that he’ll be getting paid and won’t have to deal with seeing or smelling his patients, and that’s the important thing.

Judge Parker, 7/3/19

“Randy, no … Randy, you’re a judge. You’re Judge Parker. You’re a respected jurist and you’re rich as hell. Get it together, man.”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/29/19

Oh, by the way, I was right: it was chemtrails! And I can see the gears already starting to grind in Rex’s head about the Local Chemtrail Treatment Specialist. I certainly hope there’s a meeting of the minds, but I can’t decide if I’d rather see Rex portentously lecture this quack on medical ethics or become intrigued by the high profit margins and short working hours involved in offering treatments for ailments that don’t actually exist.

Mary Worth, 6/29/19

Well, the night is winding down and Mary and Dr. Jeff can agree that while it’s great for other people like Estelle and Wilbur to try new things (not projecting her fantasies onto a disembodied phone voice and not spending the evenings weeping in the shower, respectively), they’re going to stay in their comfortable rut of underspiced seafood, a semi-vigorous walk down the Santa Royale boardwalk, and some desultory thrice-monthly lovemaking. Can we start on another plot next week? Please?

Judge Parker, 6/29/19

Oh, Roy, I think you very much overestimate how much attention Alan pays to the identities of his social equals’ servants. Alan has never given a moment’s thought to “that homely gal Sam hired to help Abbey around the house” and he never will!

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Mary Worth, 6/24/19

Wow, so, uh, this Mary Worth plot: still happening??? I guess????? The obvious implication that this conversation is really about how Mary got Jeff to try all sorts of weird sex stuff when they first started dating and now he’s become such a kinkster than he wants to open up their relationship is too much for me to handle, emotionally, so I’m just going to take everything here at face value and point out how incredibly limited Dr. Jeff’s palatte must’ve been if going to some extremely mediocre boardwalk seafood restaurant constitutes “adventurous eating” for him. I guess the other possibility is that the “adventure” arises from the consistent C ratings the Bum Boat gets from the Santa Royale Health Department.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 6/24/19

I’ve given some thought to the logistics here, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the best case scenario is that Batman is aiming his penis so that his piss falls in an arc just past his nose and into toilet bowl, and the worst case scenario is that his penis is dangling upside down with the rest of him and urine is just, like, flowing down his chest and into his face, which is disgusting, but keep in mind that even a slight misstep with the best case scenario also results in a faceful of piss. This comic is an affront to human dignity, is what I’m trying to say, and I certainly hope DC Comics and its parent company, Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc., sues the entire newspaper comics industry out of existence in response. It would be wholly merited.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/24/19

Oh boy, this is even better than I’d hoped! What do you think Mr. Lewton is obsessing over? GMOs? Chemtrails? Vaccines? I’m very much looking forward to some heavy, heavy sighing from Rex.