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Dick Tracy, 11/3/16

For my money, the line “this is no place for you” is the funniest thing in the comics today. At first I thought it meant that Selfy was a big shot who shouldn’t be risking getting monkey poop on his shiny shoes or something. But then I realized that I had it backwards, which was even funnier: the zoo is too good for a scumbag like Selfy! This is a decent place, where we cage wild animals for bored schoolchildren to gawk at! It’s no place for political hacks who wear tuxedos in their daily life and other monsters. Ol’ Vic tried to keep Selfy on the straight and narrow, tried to teach him the way of the feces shovel and the tranq gun, but it was too late: he was well on his way along the all-too-common young-hood-to-congressional-staffer pipeline, and not all monkey chow in the world could save him.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/3/16

Hey, it looks like Chekhov’s packages of frozen cash finally went off, a year after they were placed on the mantlepiece in an extremely non-casual manner! Anyway, my top two choices for what happened to the money are (a) Heather used it to hire a hit man to kill Milton and make it look like Jordan did it, so he has no choice but to obey her whims, sexually, or (b) Milton used it to wire the house with explosives so that he can go out on his terms, which is to say with some of his faculties still intact and taking his wife and household staff with him. Either way, Jordan is right to “oh, boy!” dramatically!

Family Circus, 11/3/16

That’s actually not right either, Dolly. Mommy is letting the breeze ruffle her hair and is imagining what it might be like to be driving a convertible, by herself, in whatever direction she pleases. Mommy stopped looking for Jeffy a solid twenty minutes ago.

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Beetle Bailey, 10/28/16

Haha, it’s funny because the ladies in the office sure do enjoy goofing off on the computer, amiright? Women, huh fellas? Always with the shopping and the … uh … solitaire … wait, what the … COMPUTER, ENHANCE

ENHANCE

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DECK OF CYBER-CARDS IS PRIVATE BLIPS EVEN PLAYING WITH HERE

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/28/16

Pretty weird how Snuffy is a notorious small-time chicken thief/card cheat with no job or other legitimate means to support his family and yet his failed attempt to carve a jack-o-lantern is what finally drives him to performatively enact some visible, ritualized atonement? Either that or he’s just coming up with a quick excuse for why he’s walking around with a knife.

Family Circus, 10/28/16

I admire Jeffy for always coming with a new quip to go with his patented jaunty “I just took a huge dump” strut, though I think they’re getting kind of belabored at this point.

Rex Morgan, 10/28/16

DEPICTED IN PANEL THREE: extremely rare footage of the rampup to Morgan-on-Morgan sexual intimacy

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Judge Parker, 10/27/16

Welp, we always knew the other shoe would drop eventually when the upstanding Parker family, which owns the local judgeship by feudal right, tied itself to a clan of notorious mercenaries and killers! Oh, sure, at first they tried to keep their in-laws in the dark about their illegal activities, but, know this: when your son marries a CIA (?) assassin, you will at some point be called upon to help fake her father’s death.

Mary Worth, 10/27/16

Speaking of trauma in the soaps, Mary, who’s life hasn’t changed in any meaningful way in fifty years, sure seems nervous hearing Wilbur’s tales of When Bad Things Happened Overseas! Considering all the dramatic carnage happening in other soaps, I wonder if Mary Worth is angling to join in on the fun? Santa Royale isn’t far from the San Andreas Fault, is what I’m saying, or from the Diablo Canyon nuclear power plant. It’d be a shame if the next Charterstone pool party were interrupted by a massive earthquake-tsunami, followed by a wave of radioactive debris falling from the sky — a real shame, I tell ya.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/27/16

As a paid-in-full member of America’s Elite™, June is always careful to respect trademark law, as intellectual property production is the backbone of our economy. Nobody’s going to be making unlicensed references to the lucrative franchises of The Walt Disney Company here! The characters from The Wizard of Oz, meanwhile, are firmly in the public domain and thus fair game.