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Crankshaft, 12/22/15

One of the many things about Crankshaft I refuse to get emotionally invested in is the slow-moving romance between the title character and Mary, which is why I didn’t bother to discuss yesterday’s strip, in which he asked her out to a movie and then angrily insisted that it was too a date. I was briefly roused to anger today (which I suppose represents a kind of emotional investment) when I saw they were going to It’s A Wonderful Life, because a very early and meaningful date I had with my wife was to see that very film at the delightful Senator Theatre, and I didn’t want Crankshaft tainting those memories. The anger quickly faded into pleasing contempt, however, when I saw that (a) Crankshaft fell asleep mere minutes into their date, (b) Crankshaft is dreaming some kind of version of It’s A Wonderful Life starring himself, only instead of imagining a world where he was never born he’s just visualizing what things will be like after he dies, and (c) the most anyone can come up with in terms of mourning Crankshaft is that they “kind of miss” his hateful misanthropy.

Mary Worth, 12/22/15

Maybe the whole thing with Olive’s parents is meant to be sex-positive? Like, they’re supposed to be a young-ish couple with a healthy sex life? Sure, it always comes across as gross and distasteful, but maybe any sexuality in Mary Worth is going to come across as gross and distasteful by default?

Judge Parker, 12/22/15

I love how everyone is clustering around Judge Parker Senior trying to calm him down after he found out he might have to do more work to earn his ludicrous payday and he got real scared and mad. There, there, Judge. Don’t cry. An award! See? See this piece of paper? An award! An award from some WASPy sounding literary organization! The award is named after a precious metal! Shhhh, go to sleep, shhhhhh.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/22/15

Uhhhhh, perfect??? Has that baby gotten a six-figure book contract from a museum for drawing horsies even once? Back at home, Sarah Morgan sits bolt upright in bed, wide awake, knowing that battle is about to commence.

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Blondie, 12/14/15

The funny thing here is that Dagwood seems to genuinely believe that it’s “weird” that he liked this repulsive-sounding concoction, as if he were not an infinite appetite, a bottomless maw with a thin layer of human meat wrapped around it. But somehow it’s necessary that he remain un-self-aware on this point. “Gosh, this is kind of good!” he says as he pours the latest combination of barely digestible garbage down his gullet, just like he said all the other times with all the other combinations.

Pluggers, 12/14/15

I’m not going to lie to you: this panel terrifies me. The typical structure of this particular Pluggers subgenre goes something like this: “Pluggers remember when [word in common use] meant [former primary definition, which has now been superseded]!” The difference today is that I have no idea what other meaning of “recall” they might be contrasting this with. Like, obviously nobody actually ever used “recall” in the sense depicted here, but are we meant to understand that there’s some … higher tech definition now in use? Like with the computers and such? Smartphones? Snapchat? Is this a Snapchat thing? Oh, God, has my persistent refusal to learn more than the bare minimum about Snapchat turned me into a plugger?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/14/15

Oh come on, Heather, next to Sarah and her grotesquely spherical head, lots of babies would look beautiful. Pretty much anything would, thanks to the contrast. Crumbling factories, dead animals, you name it, it all looks good next to Sarah.

Momma, 12/14/15

Well, so, Francis seems to be identified correctly again, but, uh, that is still very much his sister MaryLou, who may be role-playing as “Cindi” or whatever, but this is all very gross and disturbing.

Edge City, 12/14/15

Oops, I guess Edge City isn’t going to end with Colin’s elevation to YouTube stardom after all! Nope, it’s going to end with the rise of the machines.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/2/15

“Ohhhh, a midwife helps you get the baby out of your tummy! No, when I said ‘help,’ I meant help make the baby. With sex! Sex doesn’t really seem like it’d be daddy’s bag, is what I’m saying. And even if it was, I don’t think he’d be very ‘helpful’ to you. If you follow me. I’m a disturbing child-adult!”

Family Circus, 12/2/15

Mommy’s look of crushing despair is perfect. Remember, you can lead a kid to church, week after week, but you can’t make them think (about Jesus or God or salvation or the golden rule or selflessness or anything but presents, sweet sweet presents).