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Funky Winkerbean, 4/28/12

Quick Funky recap: Those anonymous replies to Cody’s texts weren’t from Summer, they were from his friend, not because his friend was in love with him, but because he too was hot for summer, but then Summer was seen flirting with some jock, the end, OH BUT WAIT, Cody got some more anonymous texts which he’s deleting and which — SHOCKING REVELATION — come from some blonde girl in the background of panel three who I don’t know who she is? Now everyone loves someone who doesn’t love them back, and the cycle of Funkyverse pain is complete. Mostly this story has made me think that it was originally written with anonymous paper notes in mind and then there was a sudden realization that “Oh crap kids use the texting now, right?” and then “notes” became “texting” even though that made everything make little to no sense.

Mark Trail, 4/28/12

So, violence has broken out in Mark Trail, but does anyone else find this a little anticlimactic? Mark doesn’t get off any awkward bon mots or even use his fists, but rather just knocks out Drug Guy #1 with a desultory WHAP to the back of the head. I know, I know, Drug Guy #2 is still out there, waiting to be dealt with in hilarious ways, I should just be patient.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/28/12

The tale of the Sexy Half-Naked Drunken Houseguest is not turning out to be anticlimactic at all, though! I love that Rex and June have their own little code word for “Make sure that lady doesn’t drink all the off-brand liquor we have in the cabinet.”

Apartment 3-G, 4/28/12

“TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW,” Nina’s father orders Tommie. “How can we use your knowledge to get Nina back together with the husband who betrayed her so she can be in an intact marriage when she gives birth to the baby she never wanted? HER HAPPINESS DEPENDS ON IT.”

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/17/12

So this perky underclassman nerd is attempting to woo jock senior Summer by means of anonymous text messages, which sounds like something that most girls would find spectacularly creepy and would probably earn him a punch in the face, but in the Funkyverse there’s a 50-50 chance this will result in true love. It did make me wonder (a) if anonymous text messages are even something you can send from your phone, (b) if so how a reply could get back to you, and (c) assuming such things exist, if anyone really calls them “restricted texts” as our amorous dweeb has been doing. Then I realized that I had just a little too much self respect to put the energy into researching the answers to these questions, so I didn’t! Aren’t you proud of me?

Mark Trail, 4/17/12

By “updating an aerial survey of his area,” Doc of course means “masturbating.” He knows that Mark will go in search of Tom, and hopes that, in stumbling upon him in the act of onanism, Mark will finally be forced to confront the reality of human sexuality. Decades of marriage to Doc’s daughter hasn’t done the trick, so this may be his last chance.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/17/12

So far, this plot’s central mystery has revolved around the dead Foster’s true character. Was he a lovable old rogue who perhaps drank a bit more than he should? Or was he a hateful alcoholic dick? The fact that he left for his daughter a book (one that everyone keeps emphasizing “reads like a screenplay”) that’s full of traumatizingly hot sex scenes involving her mother seems to tip things towards the latter possibility.

Spider-Man, 4/17/12

The last bit of dramatic tension in this storyline has been resolved without any help whatsoever from our ostensible protagonist, so now he can finally celebrate Spidey-style! Spidey-style celebration apparently consists of a little jig that’s frankly embarrassing to watch, because dancing is one of the many, many things Spider-Man sucks at.

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Mary Worth and Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/3/12

Hmm, hey, did someone decide to have a Best Sidelong Glance In A Soap Opera Strip contest and somehow NOT ask me to be a judge??? That’s OK, because I enjoy each glance on its own terms and don’t feel a need to quantify them or pick one as the “best.” Each has its own charms! For instance, I like how Mary is looking somewhat hopefully at Jeff, hoping that he’ll look past the theatrically weeping televangelist and see the more general analogy she’s trying to draw. You know, sometimes you get wake-up calls in this life! Like, when your asexual not-girlfriend keeps rejecting your marriage proposals! Maybe that would be a sign to wake up and move on with your life? Not just come over to her house and bother her with your jabbering while she’s trying to watch the bad man crying on the teevee?

June’s glance, meanwhile, is more one of mounting panic, as she realizes that Rex is about to be zero help in dealing with this sexy not-dressed drunken lady who’s demanding more booze, for drunkenness. “Sure … give me a minute,” June says, backing slowly towards the liquor cabinet, not taking her eyes off Iris lest she suddenly and violently attempt to drink the lamp.

Dick Tracy, 4/3/12

Speaking of contests, it appears that Dick Tracy heard that Mark Trail was going to depict the world of marijuana use and/or distribution in a hilariously square fashion and thought, “Whoah there, I’ll bet we can do them one better!”

Slylock Fox, 4/3/12

This is pretty much the saddest Slylock Fox since that guy brought his skeletonized fish to the vet. In fact, it may be even sadder, because while that guy will probably move on with his life eventually and the fish is past caring, these two star-crossed aqua-lovers are stuck for their short lives in their too-small bowls, without even a fake treasure chest to hide behind while pressing their lips against the glass and imagining what it must be like to feel the physical touch of someone who really loves them.