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So ends the Fall 2013 Comics Curmudgeon fundraiser. Don’t forget the “Donate” button over there on the left, for late contributions or whenever the spirit moves you. Sincere thanks to everyone!

Spider-Man, 10/18/13

“Astella! She — is dead!”

“Yes, and tastefully off-panel, with wisps of smoke wafting from the charred remains of her once-lovely face. Beautiful she was, Astella, and cunning! But in the end, neither quality could save her, because she lacked the experience and common sense to realize that her gun had become …. Hey waitaminute, T — why are we here, again?”

“Free Rosa and capture El Cóndor.”

“Oops. Sorry, my bad.”

Dick Tracy, 10/18/13

And it’s starting to rain!

Hey doofus, in what sense do you “know how to pilot” the Space Coupe if you can’t make it go where you want, or at the very minimum make it not go where you don’t want? Mmmmm?

Gil Thorp, 10/18/13

But that won’t stop Milford running back Chip Visci and linebackers Omari Troy and Troy Costello — touchdown!

I sincerely and unironically admire this strip’s fidelity to its team rosters. Players come in as freshmen, move up the ranks, sometimes transfer in and out, graduate, and sometimes come back. Some but not all play multiple sports. Seasons start in approximately real time, and the first weeks of each arc [football, basketball, baseball] present the roster so readers can follow along at home. That is some serious attention to craft, right there. We saw something similar in Funky Winkerbean a while back, when a character showed up to correct a minor continuity lapse revealed by publication of a 1970’s compilation.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/18/13

June is intrigued by this talk of mariticide: “Say, why don’t I stop by and ask the wife to tell me exactly how she did it? More moss, dear?”

Apartment 3-G, 10/18/13

Bad Girl Tori doesn’t just defy authority – she defies gravity. And mocks fashion with her signature reverse combover.

Program note: just a reminder that Comments of the Week are delayed until Josh’s return on Sunday, or maybe Monday, whatevs.

— Uncle Lumpy

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We’re already halfway through the Comics Curmudgeon Fall 2013 Fundraiser! Don’t let it pass you by!

Slylock Fox, 10/16/13

Extinct or not, when a saber-toothed tiger menaces you with its 12-inch canine teeth, do not be the one to say it isn’t technically a tiger. At the very least, don’t be first one.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/16/13

Sarah toils unceasingly over her book in her basement prison. Rex is moved – Stockholm Syndrome is so adorable in the very young.

Six Chix, 10/16/13

Yes, because drug addicts need a loyalty program.

Phantom, 10/16/13

Gah, both Josh and I have been neglecting the Phantom for months because it’s just been such an incoherent mess but it’s the job so here we go:

Remember the mystery aeronaut of Mozz’s dream who had been rescued during WWI by the 19th Phantom and whose spectre showed up in the Deep Woods wearing a tattoo like the logo on drug pilot Ted West’s business card? And how the Phantom went to New York and a) forgave Ted for working with the drug gang because they threatened his family, b) broke into the drug boss’s house, c) knocked out all the minions, d) took a call that told him a big caper was going down at 3:00 AM, e) recorded the boss’s admission that he had taken a hit out on West, and f) here he is at 2:00 calling the cops?

Well the plan here is to use the Phantom’s own break-in as the pretext for a search that will lead police to incriminating evidence on the boss. There are, of course, constitutional safeguards against such behavior, but Dispatch Lady seems to think it’s pretty clever nonetheless.

Unresolved are a) what’s the big caper at 3:00, and b) what’s the connection between the aeronaut and Ted West? There you go: six months of the Phantom you’ll never have to read. If only there were some way to express your appreciation!

9 Chickweed Lane, 10/16/13

If you’re speaking English, it’s “The Well-Tempered Clavier.” This is true even if you’re having a conversation in English with a German concert pianist. The only reason to switch to German is to show off, and because Germans are required by law to correct your pronunciation, nobody would ever switch to German in this context unless they were pretty damn sure their audience didn’t speak it.

What I’m saying is a couple of thug spooks can kidnap her, drag her to a dungeon, hang her up in chains, and Edda Burber will still find a way to be the biggest jerk in the room.

Of course no real pianist would say it was ‘a’ fugue in C-sharp minor. WTC Book 2 (and why not Buch Zwei Edda hmm…?) includes one and only one fugue in each of the 24 key signatures — why, that’s the actual point of the exercise, is it not? Bach certainly seemed to think so, though I suppose he lacked your chops as an underwear model. Anyway, dearie, tell all the gals back in dance class that it was ‘the’ fugue in C-sharp minor, won’t you? Or just Number Four. Goodness, I’m certainly glad I’m not in that room.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 10/12/13

Every long-running drama has a character I call “the Dann”, after Dann Florek of TV’s Law and Order. The Dann’s role is to say or do anything — heedless of consistency, motivation, and common sense — that will advance the plot. Depending on where the writers want to go, it could be: “You know I’ve got your back.” / “I’ll have your badge for this!” / “I stand up for my detectives!” / “The Chief of D’s wants you gone!”, or for that matter, “There’s a funny noise in this room!” / “Who cut the cheese?”, or “Friendship is magic!” Sometimes the writers roll dice or play drinking games to decide what to make him do. It’s a tough gig being the Dann.

“Friendship is magic, dirtbag!”

Pity then poor Marty, Lu Ann’s art student and current Dann-doyenne of Apartment 3-G. Since May, this little whirlwind has gone from oppositional/defiant with the Governor of New York, hyper-vigilant and protective of her sad-sack father Cole, in denial about Cole’s PTSD–alcohol–head trauma–substance abuse–depression–chronic pain–being really stupid issues, intrigued/repelled by “bad girl” Tori, enraged that her Dad concealed his brain tumor from her, bingeing with Tori on booze and smokes, to simultaneously contemptuous of her father and furious with Lu Ann because of, um, the reasons? Oh yeah, and somewhere in there she dyed her hair.

But have all her Dann-ite exertions moved the plot of Apartment 3-G forward even one narrative inch? No, they have not: day after day, it’s still just two people standing in a room talking. I can’t even believe I’m saying this, but I wish Tommie would come back and liven things up.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/12/13

“You may have cheated death, honey, but remain irremediably ignorant! Ha ha!”
“Lady’s got a point, Funky! Hu-yuck, Hu-yuck!”
And there’s your smirk, Josh — the perfect Funky Winkerbean!

Judge Parker, 10/12/13

Parkers are so accustomed to unearned cash they have a private slang for talking about it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/12/13

Rex suspects some of those old Polaroids may have survived the bathhouse fire. Depending on her next move, Becka could be enjoying a long vacation and a big raise, or sharing a shallow grave with Buck. Tread lightly, Becka!

Hey, Josh is taking a week off and I’ll be here through Sunday the 20th. Drop me a line at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if the site starts misbehaving. Enjoy!

Ooh, Becka. Oh, Becka! Beckabeckabeckabeckabecka!

— Uncle Lumpy