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Judge Parker, 9/29/22

Now that Sam Driver is extremely divorced, he can really get back to his roots as a character, by which I mean solving mysteries and doing other feats of derring-do while Judge Parker spends his time doing boring judge stuff, which is why Sam was introduced into the strip in the 1960s in the first place. Meeting one of your police contacts at some out-of-the-way bar is a classic mystery-solving move, of course, though traditionally I think you’re supposed to be at a grimy dive bar where nobody you know would think to look for you, not some well-appointed hipster place that charges $18 for [squints] ketchup.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/29/22

Oh, yeah, I can’t remember if I’ve actually mentioned it, but Hank Jr.’s big plane trip is to see his long distance girlfriend, who is the daughter of his dad’s high school sweetheart, who owned the diner they’re in now, until she died, and Hank Jr. picked up his new girlfriend at said high school sweetheart’s funeral. I could’ve worded that all less confusingly, but trust me, you don’t really need to know the details, because as you can tell from this strip Hank Jr.’s gonna be dead of a massive coronary by next week at the latest.

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Marvin, 9/20/22

You know I am loath to say anything positive about the syndicated comic strip Marvin, but I have to say that I’m reasonably impressed that the strip is acknowledging that someone who is the parent of an infant and still in the early-to-mid stages of male pattern baldness is not, in fact, of an age to have attended Woodstock, or even Woodstock ’99, but rather would be one of those darn millennials we hear so much about on the news these days. By giving her husband’s exact age, Jenny really opens up a lot of information about his personality. Like, we’ve confirmed that, assuming we’re not dealing with some kind of Doogie Howser situation (and based on his demonstrate intellectual capabilities, I have zero reason to believe that we are), Jeff was in college at the earliest from 2005 to 2009, a full five years after “Who Let The Dogs Out” was released and a full four years and nine months after it had entirely worn out its welcome with literally everyone, meaning that he put it on that college mix CD as an ironic bit. He’s always been terrible, in other words, as further demonstrated by the fact that he’s now buying a turntable just so he can recreate that bit, which would’ve probably been only mildly annoying to the people in his dorm, for his family, who will absolutely hate him for it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/20/22

Think about the stuff that we actually see in Rex Morgan, M.D. Can you imagine how boring this dude’s “story” must’ve been to just be completely elided between today’s strip and yesterday’s? Dude’s been grievously insulted by the narrative structure he’s embedded within, and he’ll never even know it.

The Lockhorns, 9/20/22

God damn it, Leroy is an obsessive Jets fan, not a Giant’s fan. Do I have to be the unpaid keeper of the lore for all of these strips now???

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/19/22

Say what you will about the glacial pacing and low stakes of Rex Morgan, M.D., but the art in today’s strip really nails the facial expression any of us would have if a chatty stranger’s opening gambit on a multi-hour flight was “Wow, I’m sure sittin’ a lot closer to you that any of use would like, huh????” Unfortunately I fear the rest of the week will continue with this narrative vérité and really make us feel every moment of a conversation we don’t want to have but can’t escape.

Mary Worth, 9/19/22

Oh, you say you’re sick of strips about Dawn’s love life? How about strips about Mary and Jeff’s love life, huh? How about that? I actually do prefer these kinds of strips because whenever we revisit this couple’s relationship status, it’s always because Jeff is abruptly leaving town to fix cleft palates in developing countries or Mary is rejecting Jeff’s marriage proposals, so I say: BRING IT ON.

Marvin, 9/19/22

Wow, big news! The comic strip Marvin has finally come up with a recurring character trait for Jeff beyond “hates his son” and “hates his in-laws” and “not a big fan of his wife,” and it’s “loves the Baja Men.”