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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/11/21

GTV8 ANCHOR BRYCE NEWMARK: Tonight’s top story: One local big sister, previously believed to be “basically OK,” has now been discovered to be “a big ol’ jerk.” Chad?

REPORTER CHAD HARRINGTON: That’s correct, Bryce. Sources on the ground have determined that this elder sibling, far from being “all right I guess” or even just “whatever,” is in fact “a big ol’ jerk.” We’re probing more deeply into this story and will keep you appraised of developments

NEWMARK: Is it possible that the big sister question is actually “a total doody head”?

HARRINGTON: We don’t have any solid information on that point yet. But a lot of our sources are definitely pointing in that direction.

NEWMARK: Say, wasn’t there something involving a comic book about a police cat in this story somewhere?

HARRINGTON: Maybe, but literally who cares!

[EVERYONE IN THE STUDIO LAUGHS]

Gasoline Alley, 12/11/21

Look, I don’t feel like explaining what’s happening in Gasoline Alley and you frankly don’t want to sit through the explanation, but just trust me when I say that the sudden presence of a sinister, grinning talking doll that says things like “Where do you want to go?” and “What’s the hold up?” when innocent children get nervous about the promise to transport them across time and space via dark magic came very much out of nowhere and I am here for it.

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Dick Tracy, 12/10/21

Ever since the raid on Apparatus HQ, Dick’s been hard at work down in the phrenology lab, trying to determine if the Ace of Spades’s gimp mask concealed a sloping Italianate brow, or, worse, the lantern jaw of an Irishman.

Blondie, 12/10/21

[adds “nice, plump gobbler combo” to the list of phrases that if I encounter them again I will immediately call the police]

Mary Worth, 12/10/21

God damn it, if this isn’t some kind of Wilbur fantasty sequence I am calling on all Comics Curmudgeon readers to immediately riot in the streets!!!! THEY CAN’T GET AWAY WITH THIS

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/10/21

She … she called the news hotline and told them all about it? Try to keep up, kid.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/9/21

I honestly kind of respect how many no shits this local news crew gives about this extremely pointless segment. Like, normally they would’ve called in advance, made sure everyone relevant to the story was available and in the same room before they started, talked them through the questions they were going to ask, gotten consent forms signed by their parents, etc. But, whatever, channel [squints] “GTV8” does it cinéma vérité style, letting the chain of connections and relationships that ultimately brought the truth to light unspool for the viewers at home exactly as the documentarians are discovering them. I certainly hope that this entire thing is being broadcast live, as was the hour or so they spent standing around on the Morgans’ doorstep earlier.

Gil Thorp, 12/9/21

God bless Gil Thorp, a soap opera strip that I believe on the whole fulfills its basic mission of delivering goofy teen sports-related drama pretty well, but not every storyline can be a winner, and this fall’s has definitely been something of a dud. How appropriate, then, that it ends due to something happening off-panel, completely outside the control of the protagonists. I do appreciate that Marty is trying to sound like a big-time sports journalist who’s just had an intern run in to the studio to keep him updated on the latest scores even though he’s clearly just reading them off his phone.

Dick Tracy, 12/9/21

You ever wonder what happens if the new bras they give you before you go into witness protection don’t fit right? Well, don’t worry: that’s when the Federal Boob Inspectors swing into action.