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Mary Worth, 1/11/22

I’ve been to Rome twice in my life, in 1999 and 2002, and by an odd coincidence both visits were at the same time as big events for the veneration of Padre Pio, an early 20th century Franciscan mystic. During his life, Pio claimed (or had claimed about him) all sorts of miraculous powers, such as the ability miraculously cure the sick and be in two places at once, and he also supposedly had spontaneously generated stigmata wounds on his hands. The church hierarchy was very uncomfortable about all this as his reputation and following grew, repeatedly forbidding him from preaching; but after his death, the church began to acknowledge his deeds, and he was beatified during my first visit to Rome and canonized during my second, which meant that both times the city was thronged with Pio’s followers. The experience really stuck with me, and made me think about how as a miracle worker he was disruptive and dangerous to the church while alive — after all, why would this simple monk have these powers, and not the bishops and cardinals who control the church? — but after his death he could be integrated into the larger church narrative about God and humanity and the church’s role in mediating between the two.

Anyway, my point is that you can already see Wilbur, so irritating to everyone while alive, beginning to follow this trajectory now that he has followed another, more literal trajectory into the ocean and his (fingers crossed!) death. Wilbur isn’t being actively obnoxious in her face at this precise moment, so Estelle is allowing herself to indulge in the fantasy that they were “in love” or whatever. Maybe by the time the search for his body is abandoned and the ship return to shore, she’ll be telling everyone she accepted his proposal so she’s really a grieving fiancee! Whatever you need to move on to your new, brighter, Wilbur-free future, we’re all here for you, Estelle.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/11/22

Wow, it’s really too bad Sarah decided to use “Doggy” as her new character in the Kitty Kop Extended Universe and not “FOOT.” If she had gone the latter route, her work would’ve attracted a lot more perverts, but also a lot fewer lawsuits, which on balance would probably be for the better.

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Mary Worth, 1/9/22

Oh, hey, so, uh, Wilbur died, everybody! Wilbur … died? I mean, maybe he didn’t die, I have a hard time believing they’re killing off Wilbur, but, uh, probably in real life, this would result in his death, right? You might recall that back in 2012 Wilbur already stared death in the face from the deck of a cruise ship, and later declared, correctly, that he shouldn’t be alive, so it’s possible that for the entire last decade every last one of us has been living through his Final Destination scenario, which would explain [gestures around vaguely] a LOT. Anyway, I guess his gradual shift from “Charterstone’s lovable loser” to “the least pleasant person you’ve ever met or even heard of” over the past few years was meant to prepare us for this moment, and while it may be premature to write him off just yet, I’m still starting a GoFundMe to pay Sir Elton John to do an updated version of “Candle In The Wind” for our boy.

Marvin, 1/9/22

In other death and dying news, Jenny has left her awful son out alone in the yard to freeze to death and is planning to flee to the tropics and start a new life, a plan her husband is being remarkably dense about.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/9/22

I guess nobody is going to die in Rex Mogan, M.D., but if Rene successfully sues the Morgans into oblivion for actual intellectual property theft, Rex might have to start living like a common poor person and that’d be worse than death, right?

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Hello everybody! Welcome back to the Comics Curmudgeon, your #1 blogging website for syndicated newspaper commentary! How was your holiday experience over the past week or so?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/25/21

Did you manage to arrange your facial features to indicate some modicum of holiday cheer, like June and the Morgan children, or did you spend the whole time looking like you wanted to die, like Rex?

Dick Tracy, 12/25/21

Did you spend Christmas cuddling on the couch with a loved one, like Dick Tracy, or were you shivering out in the cold staring jealously at the righteous, like a bunch of deformed criminals?

Mary Worth, 12/25/21

Did you get that special gift you had been waiting for all year? In Dr. Jeff’s case, that gift was his one (1) allotted annual open-mouth kiss from Mary Worth.

Anyway, let’s do our annual roundup of what the soap and soap-adjacent strips got up to in my absence!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/26/21

We’re all looking for some good news for 2022 and it looks like we got it with the return of … Rene the art forger, baby!!!!

That’s right, everybody! Rene might do fake art and new age spirituality and COVID cures, but the love for him in our hearts isn’t fraudulent at all. It’s very real!

Gasoline Alley, 12/27/21

Oh, wow it looks like Hollywood — or [squints at kerning in headline] “Holly Wood” — is coming to Gasoline Alley! Will this turn out to be interesting? No, it won’t, and we won’t be revisiting the subject in this post.

Mary Worth, 12/27/21

DECEMBER 27, 2021: Syndicated comic strip Mary Worth reveals that Wilbur Weston will be taking a cruise.

DECEMBER 30, 2021: The CDC advises everyone to avoid cruise ships.

COINCIDENCE???? WE THINK NOT!!!

Gil Thorp, 12/28/21

Over in Gil Thorp, it looks like the Valley Conference’s refs are taking a “kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out” attitude towards calling fouls this season. Looking forward to a winter and spring of basketball carnage!

Mary Worth, 12/28/21

“Good luck, Estelle! I say that with total and complete sincerity. You are absolutely going to need it!”

Mary Worth, 12/29/21

“You’re not inconveniencing me! Jeff won’t be able to come over due to his allergies, which I don’t consider an inconvenience at all! Quite the opposite, in fact!”

Curtis, 12/29/21

Oh hell yes, Curtis is delivering another Kwanzaa tale for us this year! We all of course remember previous fables, which involved bat-winged bears and telepathic otters and trunkless elephants and creepy masks and, uh, social media. Anyway, this year’s story involves a girl in a drought-stricken village who has discovered a magical source of infinite water. The villagers who are mad that she’s hoarding all the water for herself are apparently the bad guys in this situation?

Dick Tracy, 12/30/21

Hey, remember the lady who didn’t want to manage an escort service? Well, Liz is pretending to be her, and is going to learn the ins and outs of managing an escort service, everything from recruiting sex workers to keeping detailed records of their financial transactions! The goal is to combine boredom and titillation into a new and hitherto unexplored emotion, which I think is a really innovative thing to do in the comics.

Mary Worth, 12/30/21

“Let’s do it, Wilbur! I’m just going to keep shouting things at the top of my lungs to convince myself that I want to do them! Fake it till you feel it, baby!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/31/21

An actually interesting Rex Morgan medical plot would be a deep dive into how narratively convenient amnesia works, biologically and psychologically! And if the Morgans are utterly ruined financially in the proces, I won’t complain one bit.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/1/22

Funky Winkerbean is doing a supposedly heartwarming storyline about Harry Dinkle getting to march in the Rose Bowl Parade with a bunch of other retired band directors. Anyway, I know I spent a lot of time during the Great Los Angeles Fire plot complaining about this strip’s wild misunderstanding of Southern California geography, but that doesn’t mean I want a dry recitation of various Pasadena intersections, either.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/2/22

God damn, he’s doing a whole press conference, you absolutely love to see it. I particularly appreciate the hand gesture he’s flashing in the next to last panel. “I want three million dollars. My left index finger represents one million dollars, and the three raised fingers on my right hand represent that I want three of those one million dollar units.”

Dick Tracy, 1/3/22

Ha ha, did I say that boredom was going to be leavening the titillation in this Dick Tracy storyline? How wrong I was! I’m not sure exactly who’s hitting on who here, but it’s all extremely erotic.

Hi and Lois, 1/3/22

Is Hi and Lois a soap opera strip? No. Do I feel compelled to show you today’s installment, just to let you know that Lois has absolutely given up on 2022 less than 72 hours into it? Very much yes!

Mary Worth, 1/3/22

But we haven’t given up on the year yet, and why would be, with wonders such as “Wilbur has a manic episode and makes an extremely ill-advised marriage proposal” to come? I will be comics blogging this year and every subsequent year as long as I have strength in my body, so thank all of you for coming along for the ride!