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Mark Trail, 10/5/12

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on Mark Trail, in which a heavily armed Cherry resolved the whole Rusty-napping situation without Mark ever needing to show up! Given the level of real danger that was involved with Rusty being kidnapped by criminals and threatened with death, I’m a bit puzzled as to what “exaggeration” she thinks Rusty will resort to in recounting the story to Mark. “Mark, I saw these men killing sheep from a plane, and then they kidnapped me, and they were going to turn me into a sheep and then shoot me from a plane, so they taught me sheep language, but I summoned all the other sheep, who ate the men! Plus there were aliens!”

Family Circus, 10/5/12

The Billy (age 7) Family Circuses are usually mostly interesting to me because of the layers of family-narrative artifice involved (Jeff Keane continuing his father’s tradition of pretending to draw as his brother), but today’s family psychodrama is much more straightforward: remember, if you don’t like your mother, your kids will notice.

Spider-Man, 10/5/12

Looks like all’s well that’s ended will in Spider-Man! And now you get to contemplate whether you’d rather make sex to a snake or a spider, yuck.

Shoe, 10/5/12

Ha ha, it’s funny because Shoe is emotionally dead, unable to feel either joy or pain!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/5/12

Meanwhile, in Rex Morgan, the thingy came off and there’s water everywhere and June is pissed.

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Shoe, 10/4/12

OK, fine, you’ve come up with a joke where someone is handed a plate of smoldering food and retorts “Who taught you to cook, [someone with ‘smoke’ in their name or nickname, because this meal is spewing smoke]?” I mean, not fine, actually, because that joke isn’t funny in any meaningful sense, but it’s not actively offensive or anything — until you decide that the smoke-named character that you’ll drop in for the punchline will be one specifically created to urge people not to cause fires. Smokey the Bear would never have allowed this tragedy to happen! He would have counseled Roz to pay careful attention to her oven to make sure her food didn’t burst into flames! Here, here are some other Smokeys that wouldn’t have undermined the joke: Smokey Robinson, Smokey Stover, Smokey and the Bandit. Smokey the Bear, come on, are you kidding me.

Momma, 10/4/12

Say what you will about Francis, but he’s always an optimist! Notice how he’s reaching out for his $40 with both arms extended. This would be unnecessary if his mother were just going to give him a couple of twenties, but maybe he’s imagining that she’ll be handing over an oversized novelty check, or a burlap sack full of nickels with a big dollar sign on the side. You know, just for fun!

Apartment 3-G, 10/4/12

“I hadn’t made plans to go with anyone, but bought two tickets because I don’t like to leave my jacket at the coat check — they expect tips, the greedy little bastards. But if I leave my coat on top of you during the show, it’ll be warm when I put it back on again! It’s settled, Evan, you’re coming with me. You’ll refrain from speaking to me directly, of course.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/4/12

Cindy’s new boyfriend’s sexual prowess is not of the advertised quality.

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Mary Worth, 8/21/12

Wilbur and Dawn recover from their TV-induced “people came together to help one another” hallucination and realize that life is, after all, brutal. And that they both kinda miss Dave. Back to square one: the perfect Mary Worth story arc.

OK, POOL PARTY!

Herb and Jamaal, 8/21/12

It’s so unfair, because Jamaal really was checking out her blouse — everybody is saying “bold, flowery prints” for fall, but Jamaal thinks the only way to avoid ’70’s Earth Mother connotations is to build the look on a classically constructed garment. And the stitching on this one is simply slovenly, it’s a size too large, and for God’s sake tuck it in. Seriously, girl, you go out in public dressed like that? And slap people when they notice? Bitch.

Shoe, 8/21/12

P. Martin Shoemaker (Shoe), an editor at the Treetops Tattler, documents a single exception to the pending collapse of his industry.

“Say, you’re not by any chance reading Shoe, are you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/21/12

THE EYES OF SNUFFY PEER INTO YOUR SOUL! FEAR HIM!

Judge Parker, 8/21/12

Sam begins to suspect that all Avery’s talk of passion, seduction, Old Hardy, wild life, and prevailing in the end may not be entirely about fishing. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, our Sam.

— Uncle Lumpy