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Hi and Lois, 1/9/15

“Heh heh, if there’s one thing dudes like, it’s football, and the NFL playoffs, am I right? And if there’s one thing ladies like, it’s shopping, using credit cards. You can use credit cards in two stores a day, right? I’m pretty sure that’s how credit cards work? I tried to look it up online but there was all sorts of complicated stuff about interest rates and interchange fees and whatnot? It was confusing. The NFL playoffs are at least blessedly simple. I mean, they’re not, I don’t really understand how the teams are seeded, but there are definitely two games today and two games tomorrow. I’m just hoping credit cards work on the same principles.”

Shoe, 1/9/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because he feels that the coercive and violent power of the state with which he’s been imbued applies in his domestic sphere as well, and believes, probably with some justification, that his fellow law enforcement officers will look the other way when he threatens his wife! Never have the patented Shoe Goggle Eyes of Horror been so appropriate.

Family Circus, 1/9/15

Just to make this joke absolutely clear: Dolly, a child of the electronic age, views any instance of a machine not working as a symptom of it “needing new batteries.” (Actually, an real child Dolly’s age would probably say it “needs to be recharged,” but I digress.) So in other words, that toilet isn’t working correctly. And since the only thing a toilet does is flush, we can assume that in this case, it failed to flush properly. There’s pee or, more likely, poop in that toilet right now, is what I’m saying. Just a big old Keane turd, which Dolly is clenching her fists and backing away from. GO AHEAD, GRANDMAS EVERYWHERE, HANG THIS DISGUSTING SCAT PORN ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR. I DARE YOU.

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My novel, The Enthusiast, is available for purchase! Check out the first chapter, then buy:

• The hardcover or softcover edition for $25 or $15
• The ebook edition for $8, which includes files for all devices
• And if the mood strikes, you can put some money in my tip jar

Order soon to get yours in time for Christmas. Thank you very much!

Gil Thorp, 12/17/15

Oh man, the ending of this Gil Thorp storyline is probably one of the most disappointing in recent memory, and that’s saying something! Basically Gil yelled at Holly for making the kids feel bad and Holly closed down the production and sent all the reality show people home. It was both anticlimactic and unrealistic, in that whatever line Holly crossed didn’t seem that much worse than all the other lines she crossed, and and also in that Holly seemed to think that she would be able to work in her industry again after essentially shutting down an entire TV show — which, let’s not forget, was already being broadcast and so probably had several more episodes paid for, to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars. But anyway, actresses, a bunch of liars, amiright? That’s what the TV executives scrambling to fill the hole Welcome Back Carter left in their schedules are thinking, anyway.

Shoe, 12/17/15

The Patented Shoe Heavy Eyelids of Ennui have never been more heartbreaking than they are here. This comic just consists of a television set delivering a joke that people have been telling each other and not laughing at for years, and the Perfesser wants no part of it. He refuses entirely to participate in it. You can see that between panels one and two his wings have slipped off the chair’s armrests and he’s slouched even further down into the cushions. “This is what it’s come to?” he asks us, silently. “No. No more. I want to die.”

B.C., 12/17/15

Hey, kids! Remember Rage Comics, which were popular on 4chan and Reddit around, like, 2009-ish? Well, one of the Rage Comics characters is in a newspaper comic strip! This certainly means, uh, something about something, that’s for sure.

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Edge City, 12/9/15

So I don’t talk about Edge City and its obsessive-neurotic antics much, but despite my distaste for its occasional exploration of alternative sexual practices, I’ve come to kind of enjoy it. Which makes it too bad that the strip’s creators recently announced that it was ending at the end of the year, in a melancholy blog post in which they said the syndicate didn’t want it anymore, they were tired of writing and drawing it, and nobody reads newspaper comics these days anyway. But at least, unlike Apartment 3-G, they’re giving their characters a send-off with a little closure and dignity, although “dignity” may be too strong a word for when Colin becomes a millionaire YouTube sensation and the whole family has to move in to a garish Hollywood Hills mansion and pretend to like all the asinine Vine stars he suddenly starts hanging around with.

Shoe, 12/9/15

Ha ha, is Biz having a stroke or just really drunk? He can’t tell! Just another good-natured laff from the hilarious bird-men of Shoe, ladies and gentlemen.

Gasoline Alley, 12/9/15

GOD DAMN IT A “SELFIE” IS A PHOTOGRAPHIC SELF-PORTRAIT, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHETHER THEY’RE DIGITAL OR FILM OR WHAT

THE FIRST EVER CLOSE-UP PHOTO OF A HUMAN FACE WAS A SELFIE

NGNGNGNGHGGHGGNGNG