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Shoe, 3/25/15

This is, of course, major front-page news in the Shoeniverse: a ghastly charnel house, a monstrous corporation that makes its profits from turning sapient birds into food for other birds, has been brought down from within. One can only imagine the horrific final days there. How were birds chosen for slaughter? Might you find yourself an executive in the corporation one day, only to be murdered, butchered, and devoured the next, because of some imagined slight against the company’s tyrannical leader? The final cathartic overthrow of the tyrant must have been violent and bloody, as his fanatical supporters were all too aware that they too would be destined for the fryer in a final orgy of cathartic and retributive violence. The Pefesser stares dully at the monitor as he types, doing his best to use his rational, analytic mind to describe the horrors he’s seen without breaking down and sobbing.

Dennis the Menace, 3/25/15

The biggest wave of menace in today’s Dennis the Menace comes from the bedroom eyes Henry is flashing in the second panel. “Welp, just got more confirmation that adulthood’s crushing ennui is more than the innocent mind of a child can handle. Wanna fool around for seven to twelve minutes before I fall asleep, out of soul-deep exhaustion?”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/25/15

“Get it? Because your car used to … carry dead people around in it? Girls love a guy with a sense of humor, right?”

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Six Chix, 3/22/15

I kind of like how sad this lady looks. “Sure, cool wordplay, talking animals that only I can hear, but the truth is that agoraphobia is a serious and debilitating medical condition that has significant and negative impacts on my life.”

Dennis the Menace, 3/22/15

Look, Joey, your mother’s dead, so stop pretending, OK? It’s not menacing, just the tough love you need to get you to acknowledge the facts and get on the road to true healing.

Judge Parker, 3/22/15

“I’ll bet Godiva ‘gets her horse’ now, if you know what I mean! That’s a sex thing, right? A sex thing rich people do? God, I hate working for you one-percent monsters so much, and yet you all have me in a constant state of arousal!”

Shoe, 3/22/15

Loon has been a beloved character in this strip since it began in 1977, right up until today, when he was abruptly and violently eaten by a shark. We can still see the lower half of his mangled body in the final panel, though that too will presumably soon vanish to the shark’s gullet.

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Dennis the Menace, 3/5/15

As a Ginger-American, I spend a lot of time wishing for more positive depictions of my people in the media. Sure, we have the Weasely family, but that’s about it. Thus, I was actively angered when I saw that today’s Dennis the Menace indulged in the sad, stereotypical depiction of redheads as angry, sullen drunks. You know what the real menace is, Dennis? Intolerance.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/5/15

It’s not so much that Hagar doesn’t like tea as he doesn’t respect the property rights of settled agricultural folk who live in castles, Eddie. For now, you’re part of his war-band, and so he considers you a friend and ally. But as soon as you form a marriage-tie to the ruling class of settled, civilized Europe, you become an enemy to any self-respecting Viking who dreams only of bringing plunder back to his family and retainers on the continent’s northern fringes. Inviting Hagar in to your inherited home will mean signing your own death warrant.

Shoe, 3/5/15

We all love the patented Shoe Goggle Eyes Of Horror, of course, but almost as charming are their complement, the patented Shoe Heavy Lids Of Despair. They’re particularly grim to see on the face of ostensible child Skyler, whose youthful love of life has long been crushed under the unshakeable compulsion to answer straightforward questions in school with terrible, unfunny wordplay. “His friends wanted to make sure he got the point,” Skyler says, hating himself. “Eh? Eh? Get it? Because he was stabbed to death?”

Spider-Man, 3/5/15

I was kind of meh on this storyline for a while, but everything that’s happened after Mysterio was captured has been pure comedy gold. Today, the fiend manages to break free from captivity and … runs six feet to attempt to make a dumb point about Spider-Man’s secret identity! Then he stands around like a jerk while the cop trots over to arrest him again!

Family Circus, 3/5/15

“Yeah, I gazed at the wonder of creation, saw otherworldly sights that have moved the hearts of men for centuries. Turns out the moon’s pretty lame! What’s on TV?”