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Six Chix, 5/14/19

The most prevalent forms of urban fauna in my neck of the woods are feral cats and coyotes, so I had to check to see of “Deer Be Gone” spray was an actual thing — it is, and it’s a supposedly non-toxic liquid that just adds an unpleasant flavor to plants. Still, the deer’s panicked reaction has me sticking with my initial take on this cartoon, which is that the lady was originally levelling a rifle at the deer until someone at the syndicate remembered that killing Bambi’s mom tested badly with audiences.

Marvin, 5/14/19

You have to really respect Marvin for constantly innovating in its core mission, which is to present you with scenarios where one character comes in unwanted contact with the feces of another character, much to the pooping character’s delight.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/15/19

Oh, man, remember when the boys got the eggs out of the fridge? I don’t, because we never actually saw it in this strip, but it sure would’ve been fun to see! More fun than today’s strip, in which we’re explicitly told that literally nothing of note happened.

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Six Chix, 5/2/19

Hey guys, remember the Smurfs? I do! Sort of! In the sense that I know I watched the show obsessively as a kid and was super into it but honestly couldn’t really recount the plot of a single episode, but I do distinctly remember that Gargamel, the show’s primary antagonist, wants to eat the Smurfs, which I found fairly shocking as a child but honestly Gargamel was a pretty incompetent villain so he never got particularly close to achieving this goal. But these random children sure have, as part of their campfire fun! I’m not sure if that smurf in the s’murf the orange-shirted lad is proudly holding is already dead and nobody’s had the decency to close his eyes, or if he’s alive and trapped between the graham crackers, his screams muffled by the marshmallow goo holding him in place. And what about the guy just sitting there at the lower right, looking stunned? Is he drugged? Is he too frozen in terror to flee? Did he betray his friend, thinking, incorrectly, that the children would let him live? This is without question the most horrifying thing Six Chix has ever presented us with, and this is a strip that once did a joke about having sex with bigfoot.

Mary Worth, 5/2/19

Oh my goodness, “Arthur” has a dog! This changes everything. Maybe Arthur isn’t a bad man, he just needed money for his dog’s expensive operation! That fancy hotel he was staying at was just the equivalent of a Ronald McDonald House for people who need to come in from out of town to go to a high-end vet!

OK, fine, we all know this isn’t true and that Arthur is a bad man, and the way we know is by his dog’s expression of profound ennui. He’s heard all this before, man, and too many times. Sure, it pays for the kibble, but at what spiritual cost?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/2/19

I was going to make a joke along the lines of “Ha ha, Snuffy’s being left alone in his cell to starve to death!” but honestly, look at how rickety that jail is. The door Sheriff Tait is walking out of isn’t even on a hinge! He’s just kind of moving it out of the way! I’m reasonably sure Snuffy will be out chicken thievin’ again before you know it.

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Hi and Lois, 4/23/19

Wow, Hi is looking rough in that second panel. I’m assuming he failed to put the trash out last night because he was in the midst of receiving a brutal beating. Or maybe he’s contracted a fatal disease! Point is, he’s dying.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/23/19

Is the “joke” in today’s Funky Winkerbean supposed to be about Darrin and Mopey Pete charging people for their labor on Free Comic Book Day? Or is it about how nobody wants to talk to Les about his maudlin, depressing graphic novel, even though it’s a handsome hardback book and getting it for free is a $24.95 value. I sure hope it’s the second one. Definitely what made me cackle with glee was seeing Les sitting there awkwardly, fingers interlaced, waiting for someone to talk to him but nobody actually talking to him. I couldn’t give a shit about Darrin and Mopey Pete, to be real, but I definitely am here for Les Moore suffering.

Six Chix, 4/23/19

So, in our eternal reward in the afterlife, we don’t need to wish for things, presumably because we’ll just have them, but we’ll still be bald or need glasses or whatever and also we’ll still be keeping track of our ages, even though glorious eternity stretches out before us? This seems [does that laugh-snort like a nerd who’s just spotted an inconsistency with canon in a Star Trek episode] highly illogical [keeps laugh-snorting in an attempt to keep at bay the true unknowability of what happens to our consciousness, our very self, after the end of this short life]