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Six Chix, 10/16/18

I’m not, like, an expert on the physics of golf or anything, but … the way you’d sort of expect this to go, based on her description, is that she’d hit the ball and it would land on the green and hit and kill a bird on its way down, right? So the bird would be also on the green, hundreds of yards away. Not just dead right in front of her. I mean, if she hit the ball into a bird right off the tee, there’s no way it could have travelled so far away as we see here. So I’m guessing she just, like, killed the bird with her club. And then said this dialogue in a flat, affectless voice while she looked down at its corpse. You notice how she’s golfing alone? There’s a reason she’s golfing alone.

Dennis the Menace, 10/16/18

Ha ha, it’s funny because it doesn’t. Henry is infested with vermin!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/15/18

Oh, snap, did our man Jordan steal some valor? We learned yesterday that he lost his legs to an IED in Iraq not while “on patrol,” since he wasn’t in a combat unit, but rather while he was walking to a market to buy vegetables, because he was an Army Food Services Specialist. You’d think most people would be perfectly willing to honor anyone wounded by enemy action in a combat zone, and that the soldiers he fed would’ve deemed him a hero for risking his life to help supply them with fresh food and not MREs or industrial flash-frozen meals shipped from the States. But, whatever, Jordan just wants to give people a “good story,” and it makes me suspicious that the truth is even further removed from the “real” tale he’s been telling his fiance. Like, in a month we’re going to find out he wasn’t in the army at all, but actually was just a line chef at a restaurant who had to run to the supermarket to get some more spinach during the late dinner rush, and accidentally slipped and fell into the into the industrial floor buffer. Then a week after that we’ll find out the restaurant was an Olive Garden and he was actually picking up more of the Secret Olive Garden Ingredient (Grade B butter).

Mary Worth, 10/15/18

I don’t want to tell Mary how to do her job (“job”), but if you’re trying to woo an emotionally closed-off shut-in back into the world by giving him a specific task to complete that matches his skills, maybe just spend some time with him doing that task and making neutral chit-chat instead of bombarding him with feelings talk the moment you trick him out of his apartment? This is the speech for when he realizes he’s enjoyed the day in spite of himself, not when he’s still in the car on the way over! He’s not going to come out again for another year.

Six Chix, 10/15/18

One thing I really hate is characters explaining things to each other that they already know, so I’m going to assume that the vampiress on the left has only recently been turned into an undead ghoul by the vampiress on the right. Our newbie has finally gotten over the initial shock and is starting to really lean into the aesthetic, but still hasn’t really that the one thing that’s truly her long hoped for ticket to Instagram stardom is also the one thing that makes selfies physically impossible.

Family Circus, 10/15/18

My favorite part of this cartoon, in which literally everybody is devastated at not being able to go on a trip to New York with Big Daddy Keane (which, why? he isn’t that great) is that Billy is wearing a “Good On Ya Mate” t-shirt he got from his canonically Australian mother. Ha ha, Billy doesn’t know the difference between New York and Australia! The only geography he understands is “here” and “somewhere else.” He’s a moron!

Slylock Fox, 10/15/18

I’m not sure why Slylock felt like he needed so many accomplices for his grim little sting operation here. I do love how pleased Patty looks — maybe she feels like, having gotten a social invitation from Slylock, she’s moving up in the world! — and how tense everyone else looks, as they all wait for this desperate addict to sneak off to the bathroom, open the medicine cabinet, and try to pocket the, uh, “toothpaste,” yeah, that’s exactly what Patty’s been stealing from the town’s medicine cabinets, toothpaste. Only our li’l pig pal is completely ignoring the fraught emotional texture of the evening. He’s just eatin’ dinner! He loves dinner! It’s weird that dinner’s been served in the living room off of a coffee table, but guess what: he doesn’t care!

Spider-Man, 10/15/18

“Look who escaped the chopper via their own personal jetpacks!” “Kingpin and the Golden Claw!” “Yeah man, that was a rhetorical question. They were the only other people in the chopper. It couldn’t have been anyone else. Is this … is this how other people feel when they’re talking to me? Hoo boy.”

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Six Chix, 10/7/18

I get what this comic is going for here, I really do, but part of my job (“job”) as the proprietor and namesake of the Comics Curmudgeon is to spend more time than usual thinking about the premises of comic strips, and my friends, when you do that with this one it starts to get dark. Like, sure, it seems that your dog is sitting in your living room, watching squirrels scamper around outside for entertainment, and maybe at some level that’s true. But when you, a human, watch acrobats or lion tamers, you do it out of appreciation of their skills, and maybe get a thrill from imagining yourself in their place. A dog’s emotional arc in that scenario is very different, and when you factor that into the change of setting here — not one dog but a whole uncountable pack, not sitting in some domesticated space with a glass between them and the squirrels but out on the side of a country road in the middle of the night — well, you can’t help but wonder when the moment will come when, by some unspoken agreement, the audience descends on the performers in a howling frenzy and tears them to bits.

Dennis the Menace, 10/07/18

It’s pretty much absolutely necessary for the core Dennis the Menace shtick that he be allowed to wander around through the neighborhood unsupervised, as I’m given to understand that children of earlier generations were, so it can be difficult to remember that he is, canonically, five years old, and so probably in kindergarden. In the bygone days when five-year-olds were allow to roam freely and hassle the neighbors, were they also taught science and history in kindergarden? Anyway, another reason we often forget Dennis’s true age is because he’s so darn precocious, and you have to admit that telling your parents that your failure really represents their own shortcomings is some advanced-level menacing.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 10/07/18

Look at that pelican bait shop attendent, grinning like a big idiot! He doesn’t even realize that the only reason he isn’t being hauled away to an internment camp without trial right now is because Slylock happened to remember some nature facts about tides or whatever.