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Luann, 10/19/16

Folks, I have a confession to make. Yesterday’s Luann was transcendently, skin-crawlingly awful. It was my solemn obligation as Substitute Comic Blogger to post and mock it here, yet I did not. An abundance of pity for the firehouse crew — powerless, disposable fourth-tier fictional characters — stayed my hand. It was a dereliction of duty, it was wrong, and I sincerely apologize.

Anyway, Captain Natty has bullied his crew into hosting a theme engagement party in which the food and entertainment rhyme with a clumsy portmanteau of the couple’s names (“Broni” — for some reason they’re not going with the obvious “Tonad”). The sandwiches, pizza, ice cream, and music on offer have therefore been respelled as baloney, pepperoni, spumoni, and Tony and Joni. Get it? If not, there’s a big-ass sign on the wall — always the sign of a great joke — to help you out.

But I’m wondering why Squinty McRictus there identifies himself as Toni’s “bro-in-law.” I suppose it could be a riff on that “firefighting is a brotherhood” claptrap they trot out in the recruiting brochures. But Toni’s a firefighter herself, so why say “in-law”? I prefer to think that little Shannon’s Dad Jonah isn’t really Toni’s brother but her ex-husband, that Squinty is Jonah’s brother in fact and thus Toni’s in law, and that Brad is in for a much bigger surprise than this dumb party.

Six Chix, 10/19/16

Really surprised these Tantric Sex Couches aren’t flying off the showroom floor.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/19/16

Today, Snuffy shows us that the self-perpetuating cycle of misery and crime that grips Hootin’ Holler can be broken, but fails to show us how he became happy enough to escape it. Did he find consolation in Parson Tuttle’s grifter’s Gospel? Did Sheriff Tait finally convince him to go straight? Did he fleece a Barlow at poker? Most likely he picked up his refill from Doc Pritchart and got high as a kite.

– Uncle Lumpy

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Funky Winkerbean, 10/8/16

Heh heh, why should famous gossip website DMZ care about the sexy sex affairs of sexy movie stars? That’s for its much more popular rival, TMZ. DMZ brings you all the latest non-scandals of shlubby nobody comic book writers who have lucked into lucrative screenwriting gigs for some reason, which works out well for Frankie, who’s determined to ruin his biological son’s life!

Dennis the Menace, 10/8/16

“Because he just mauled a little kid real bad! They’re taking him to the hospital right now! No, I don’t know why Mr. Wilson is standing in the sprinkler.”

Six Chix, 10/8/16

tfw yr girlfriend is sick of fucking a muggle

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Six Chix, 9/15/16

My favorite thing about this cartoon (or, more accurately, the thing I dislike the least about it) is that the hand emerging from the bottom of the panel could plausibly be assigned to either of the two characters. I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to understand it as the blonde lady rubbing her chin thoughtfully as the brunette’s insane forehead tattoo causes her to completely rethink her opinions on the small conversational pleasantries that serve to lubricate our every day social interactions. But I’d like to believe that in fact tattoo-lady is resting her own fingers seductively on the chin on her interlocutor, as if to say, “Look, you and I both feel the energy between us, so let’s not waste our time with the conversational dance that normal humans use to build up levels of intimacy. Let’s make out. You ever made out with a woman with a bonkers personal philosophy tattooed on her forehead before?”

Judge Parker, 9/15/16

“People will line up for any job. Even if the job involves being locked up in a shipping container doing painful manual labor, even if the job is only open to old people in violation of any number of federal and state labor laws: if you post a job ad in the paper, dozens of desperate people will line up to apply for that job, no questions asked. There’s no story here! Covering this ghastly carnival of economic anxiety is a complete waste of our time as journalists. Ugh, why can’t we go film a war or something important like that?”