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Mary Worth, 11/7/21

Like a weird pervert who has become so addled by online pornography that he needs ever more bizarre and tentacle-heavy erotic imagery in order to get off, I feel like my heavy engagement in this current Wilbur storyline is taking me to some dangerous places. Like, I should be absolutely giddy in anticipation of the moment when Wilbur shows up at his “safe space” karaoke lounge only to discover that yet another ex-girlfriend has decided to flaunt the fact that she moved on with someone younger and taller and less bald, but instead I’m actively furious that Wilbur has also recently suffered some professional humiliation and we weren’t shown that in vivid detail. I want to see our man squirming as his boss laughs cruelly at whatever half-baked idea Wilbur came up with, damn it! This is the same guy who signed off on “I Shouldn’t Be Alive!” so you know Wilbur’s proposal was extremely shitty.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/7/21

Today’s Barney Google and Snuffy Smith really clearly illustrates the two main types of readers syndicated newspaper comics have to target today. The throwaway panels have an extremely dumb joke to amuse morons, while the rest of the strip is for people who would smugly think, “Ah, of course, ‘Barney Google (with the Goo-Goo-Googly Eyes),’ the 1923 hit tune with lyrics by Billy Rose! I understood that reference.”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 11/7/21

Obviously there’s some kind of Slylockverse version of the Hayes Code that says that the poor members of Slylock’s Rogue’s Gallery can never, ever win, but God bless Reeky Rat for not just persevering, but attempting to turn one of the main tools of his oppressors — the extremely selective application of animal facts — to his own defense. It’s not working, but I respect him so much.

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Mark Trail, 10/13/21

Interesting, interesting, it seems that despite my taunting Mark may have fought in a war after all. Or … did he? He does seem quite cagey about the details as soon as friend starts pressing him, doesn’t he? Maybe he realizes that Cliff isn’t going to consider his lifetime of efforts punching hippies to be a “tour,” even though his handlers from the CIA assured him he was on the front lines of the most important war America would ever fight.

Slylock Fox, 10/13/21

Hmm, we’re seeing a lone walrus warily eyeing those polar bears, but the quiz answer assures us that walruses are almost invariably found in massive herds of hundreds or even thousands of walrus companions. We have to assume this isolated individual is a scout for a vast walrus army that’s preparing to attack and overwhelm the arctic’s most powerful predators. I’m pretty sure we’ve never seen Slylock and his pals interact with sapient polar bears or walruses, presumably because they’re locked in a brutal war thousands of miles north of the Forest Kingdom.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 10/10/21

“Gosh,” you’re probably thinking, “I’m not sure what this fish photography session has to do with Slylock’s usual job,” and that’s because you’re a fool, an absolute child who believes Sly’s job is to “solve mysteries” or whatever. In fact, his larger task is to impose the will of the Forest Kingdom’s state apparatus on its subjects. Apparently, his ratiocination has quieted the metropole for the moment, so he and Max have been sent off on a colonial scouting expedition, plotting to bring a whole new branch of life under the control of Princess Pussycat‘s regime.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/10/21

I’m very excited for Griff to use his special ops skills to stealthily take position outside Jordan and Michelle’s home and get his erstwhile comrade’s skull right in his crosshairs, only to hear him nattering on about “why do I need friends when I have in-laws who I just met?” “I can’t do it,” he thinks. “What’s the point of even pulling the trigger? The man’s dead already.”