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Blondie, 2/3/19

A thing that happens with sitcoms is that the characters often “heighten” over the years, becoming wackier and less moored to reality. A good example is Winston on New Girl, who began the show as one of the most grounded of the main characters and ended it as wildly, hilariously eccentric. Now keep in mind that even the most popular sitcoms rarely last more than seven or eight seasons, and compare that to legacy comic strips, which run for decades. Sometime in the 89-year history of Blondie, someone decided that Dagwood had a big appetite, and now … now look at this. Look at his Super Bowl dining plans. This is a suicide note, is what this is. Blondie is leaving because she doesn’t want to see her husband’s gruesome end; Mr. Dithers is there in a last ditch effort to save his employee by absorbing some of the damage.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 2/3/19

I don’t feel like turning this panel over, but maybe the tree-monster will have a hard time hiding because it has glowing, nightmarish red eyes??? And a huge, gaping maw, an inky black portal to who knows what terror-void? And probably it wheezes, or moans, or makes other noises one might expect from an abomination against nature? Burn it, I say. Burn it to ashes as soon as you can!

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Mary Worth, 1/13/19

Toby and Ian … a study in contrasts. Toby is paralyzed with fear that her husband might be succumbing to the charms of a younger woman, and is so insecure she’s afraid to even bring the subject up because she thinks it’ll make her look weak. Ian, meanwhile, is all like, “Damn, this is some good fish! Toby sure fried the hell out of this fish. She seems lost in thought tonight, so I guess I can just go ahead and eat it with my hands.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/13/19

OK, fine, Brayden isn’t turning out to be a little brat at all, but rather a weird tiny adult like pre-amnesia Sarah, though I will treasure the sentence “I’m sure it’ll be smooth sailing from here on, Brayden.” But anyway, now it’s clear that Rex and Brayden are gonna be on a team together against Loud-Shirted Drunken Lout! This flight’s just getting started and I’ll bet there’s plenty of drunken loutery in store!

Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/13/19

OK, fine, they’re in Germany. But why is it so important to know what country they’re in? Well, look at the pigs in the pen, the birds, the snake, the rabbits — unclothed, non bipedal, with dull, lifeless eyes. Here is one place, even after the animapocalypse, where animals are still animals. And are people still people? Sly and Max are right to be afraid.

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Crock, 1/9/18

I got into a Twitter discussion last week about what the deal is with Crock exactly, what with its creator having died in 2011 and then his son, after briefly running the strip, deciding he didn’t want to keep it going. I guess the consensus is that what we’re getting are reruns, but there are some updates to the dialogue to keep the strip “fresh.” Like, the “4” in today’s final panel seems pretty obviously to be in a different handwriting from the rest of the dialogue, presumably because this strip originally appeared in 2001 when PlayStation 2s were all the rage. It’s honestly amazing that someone would go through the trouble of making sure the most current PlayStation model is reflected in the dialogue but not, say, question the premise of the strip, which is that home video game consoles and pay toilets are even in the remotely same category of thing, and decide to just pull another Crock from the presumably infinite quantity of Crocks in the archive instead.

Gil Thorp, 1/9/18

Hmm, who could the mysterious billboard-aggressor be? Let’s take a closer look at that “E” in “fire”:

And then compare it to the “E” in “December” on the wall of Gil’s office:

And, well, there you have it! Find your calendar-maker and you have tracked down your mysterious … wait, what’s that you say? Fonts are widely used and commercially available? Also, the billboard guy put his URL right on the billboard. Well, I still think my font thing is relevant, thank you.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/9/18

Oh hell yes, Rex is going to have to deal with some sullen little twerp named “Brayden” for the duration of his flight to Phoenix! I know I complain about the slow pace of this strip, but I sincerely hope that this storyline lasts for months.

Pajama Diaries, 1/9/18

Say, wouldn’t it be interesting if you were forced to look at your grandchildren’s dick pics for all eternity, in hell? Just something to ponder!

Slylock Fox, 1/9/18

WAIT ARE THOSE GIANT MICE OR IS THAT A VERY TINY ELEPHANT

I’M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE FOR WEEKS