Post Content

Crankshaft, 11/30/11

Once upon a time, the Funkyverse strips were actually whimsical and funny and not at all depressing, and you can find evidence of this embedded in some of the strips’ running gags, which now seem deeply horrible wrenched out of their original context. Remember how teenage hall monitor Les used to guard his station with a machine gun? In the old days that was just cheery absurdism, but now it would probably set up a story about a Columbine-style massacre — or, no, that’s too flashy, it’d probably actually be about how the gun went off accidentally and hit an innocent student-athlete in the leg, ending the Scapegoats’ chance for a championship and the poor kid’s promising career, leading to a downward spiral into alcoholism, suicide, etc.

Anyhoo, Crankshaft constantly destroying mailboxes out of some combination of incompetence and spite and Lena’s inedible and possibly poisonous brownies both had a similar sort of innocence about them back in the day, but in the modern Funkyverse we get to see the emotional devastation that they cause. Ha ha, that man is legitimately furious because Crankshaft ran over his mailbox, and neither Crankshaft nor the bureaucrats who employ him care, which just makes him madder! The best part of today’s strip is the expressions of genuine horror on the ’Shaft’s fellow drivers’ faces, as if somehow they’re only now realizing what a colossal dick he is.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/30/11

Speaking of the Funkyverse, today’s second panel could pretty much be its mission statement.

Six Chix, 11/30/11

It probably says something about me that this is a cartoon featuring the evil queen from Snow White talking about freezing her eggs and the thing that most baffles me about it is the setting. Is she on a date? Isn’t this talk a little heavy for a date? Or has she replaced her magic mirror with a nebbishy personal assistant, and this is the two of them unwinding after work?

Spider-Man, 11/30/11

“Yes! I finally got a staff job in the lucrative, growing print media business! And all I had to do was give my tyrannical boss a picture of my superhero identity consorting with a known criminal! I’m a genius!”

Archie, 11/30/11

Archie’s I Love The ’90s week continues! Today’s flashback memory: Remember when they started giving talk shows to ethnic people?

Post Content

Spider-Man, 11/20/11

“What’s shakin’, Jolly Jonah? Hope you recognize my voice through my mask.” “Parker, is that you? Why the hell are you wearing a mask?” “No, it’s Spid … uh, I, uh … [CLICK]”

I certainly hope that the “All the news that’s fit — to print…?” narration box, despite its baffling punctuation, heralds a move away from this boring “Big Boss” storyline and instead presages Jonah and Robbie arguing about how the Bugle can move into the 21st century and become a Web-centric media outlet, or at least figure out how to cut down on the costs of producing a legacy print product. “Hey, Jonah, look at these huge gutters between the panels on the comics page! We could probably fit in some more ads if we got rid of those.”

This is probably as good a time as any to let you know that J. Jonah Jameson has a Twitter (in ALL CAPS, obviously).

Mary Worth, 11/20/11

It’s really sad to see how deeply this minor-league purse snatching has shaken Mary, as asking Toby to lead you anywhere is generally a sign that you’ve lost your will to live. In panel three, though, we can see that Toby’s scarf is swiveling to always point the same direction as her head when her neck turns, which may indicate that we’re dealing with an advanced and competent robotic Toby replacement.

Dick Tracy, 11/20/11

Were you hoping that the revamped Dick Tracy would come across less like a classic gangster flick from the ’40s and more like a modern episode of Cops, full of drunken domestic disputes? Well, here you go!

Post Content

Luann, 11/10/11

GOD DAMN IT DO I REALLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT LUANN? FINE. So, here’s a thing I noticed about Luann: Check out how broad-shouldered and grim-faced and bad-ass Brad is looking in panel one there. Does it remind you of anything? Like, maybe the strip from last week where Toni strode off in triumph from WeenieWorld, after having physically threatened Brad’s boss?

Even the jacket is more or less the same! This probably means that “Brad” and “Toni” are actually two different aspects of the same individual’s personality. The question is, who’s the real one and who’s the delusion? I’m certainly hoping Toni is the projection, because really, who would want to make up Brad, even in their subconscious, gross.

Seeing that panel from last week in isolation also makes me realize that Anne is moonlighting at the mall as one of Santa’s elves, which means that her erratic behavior may be a result of stress brought on by overwork.

Hi and Lois, 11/10/11

Not wanting to know about the contents of your hot dog is actually a pretty good policy. Don’t worry, kids, there’s not much nutritive difference between “cow anus” and “turkey cloaca.” And turkey dogs are still chock-full of the delicious nitrates you love!

Apartment 3-G, 11/10/11

Ha ha, Lu Ann, Paul has already seen the wedding dress, since it was worn by his mother and all his sisters and sisters-in-law for every Linsky Compound wedding ever! It is probably all moldy and disgusting, like this one, but wearing it is an inviolable Tradition, just like the ceremonial head-shaving/lobotomy during the reception.

Spider-Man, 11/10/11

“Yup, I knew! But I still passed out and let myself be chained up anyway. Actually succeeding at something … it just didn’t feel like me, you know?”