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Family Circus, 4/10/09

Don’t believe her, Jeffy! She claims that the mystical orb she holds is the key to spiritual enlightenment, but its roiling inky blackness tells a very different story.

Luann, 4/10/09

I don’t know if I’d call a guy who can however briefly be in two places at once “pathetic.” “Unsettling,” maybe.

Ziggy, 4/10/09

I was pretty shocked to see that Ziggy has a vanity plate that reads ZIGGY, because I always assumed that he lived his life under the constant, crushing burden of the shame of being Ziggy. If he doesn’t, he should.

Spider-Man, 4/10/09

The Spider-Man comic strip in a nutshell: Our terrifying supervillain, concerned about his son and determined to wreak revenge on the city, takes some time out to hang out in somebody’s cubicle and eat a sandwich.

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Mary Worth, 4/2/09

Always working on self-improvement, Mary has managed to upgrade the contents of her thought balloons from simple text-based information to a full multimedia experience. I was going to say that she really needs a hobby, but then I realized that figuring out better ways to obsess over other people’s problems so as to help her forget her otherwise empty life is her hobby.

Luann, 4/2/09

Does anyone else remember how, years ago, Greg Evans had his readers vote on whether Luann was going to go to some dance with either Gunther or Aaron Hill? I seem to recall that either Aaron won the vote, or Gunther won the vote but then Luann went with Aaron to the dance anyway. My point is that in panel three Gunther is right: he is unloved either by the majority of the people who read about his life or by his creator.

Marmaduke, 4/2/09

It’s natural that Marmaduke’s owner is confused. For most of us, being transported by our demonic pet through a mystical portal into some kind of hell-dimension of eternal torment would be an unfamiliar experience, and we wouldn’t have any idea what was happening until too late.

Marvin, 4/2/09

It’s been a painful experience for Marvin’s grandparents to have lost all their money and move due to financial necessity in with their daughter and her family; the worst part is that they have to live with Marvin, obviously. But still, multigenerational homes are traditional in much of the world, and there’s opportunities for real wisdom to be passed on. For instance, today Marvin is learning that human vanity does not fade with age, but rather only becomes more ridiculous.

Spider-Man, 4/2/09

Ha ha, Spider-Man told a “not” joke! These were very popular twenty years ago or so.

Mark Trail, 4/2/09

“But first, we’ve got $500 to spend! That will sure buy a lot of khaki and neckerchiefs!”

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Apartment 3-G, 3/25/09

Apparently Dr. Joe’s kids will be take on the darndest-things-saying role that children are often called upon to fulfill in adult-oriented comics, and they’re doing a pretty good job so far, daring to question Tommie on her androgynous name, and revealing a hitherto unknown (to me, anyway) fun fact in the process. Kenley’s “Oh.” in panel two seems less like “Thanks for answering my question!” and more like “Yeah, but … but … that doesn’t really answer … I mean, you could go by ‘Abby’ or ‘Gail’ or … seriously, ‘Tommie’, what the hell?”

Of course, if I were Tommie I would probably have responded with “Kenley’s a funny name for anyone who isn’t an insufferable little yuppie brat. OH WAIT.”

The real meat here, obviously, is ultra-embarrassing panel three. Look for Tommie to sputter awkwardly for a few seconds, after which Kenley will say “Oh, my mistake! You’re obviously not anybody’s girlfriend.”

Spider-Man, 3/25/09

Oh, newspaper Spider-Man, you just can’t win, can you? Even when you’re expressing delight in your elderly aunt’s speedy recovery, you come off like a tremendous douche. In panel three, Peter looks like he’s primarily excited about not having to cook for himself in the immediate future.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/25/09

Funky Winkerbean characters are beginning to rage against their sadistic God, which should come as no surprise to anyone. Seriously, wouldn’t you feel kind of weird as a comic artist drawing your characters begging their creator for mercy, only to encounter further arbitrary misery? I guess where Funky Winkerbean is concerned, you should replace “feel kind of weird” with “cackle with maniacal glee.”

Dennis the Menace, 3/25/09

In other words, Mrs. Wilson stays young and healthy by regularly replacing her organs with fresh new ones harvested from children. Dennis only manages to avoid this fate himself by bringing her a steady supply of “raw material” — so, sorry, Joey.