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Hi and Lois, 10/5/17

I guess the joke here is about how Ditto cleaned his hands by … ruining one of the good towels, with his hand-filth? Anyway, I’m more intrigued by the giant steaming bowl of light-brown whatever on the counter behind Lois. Be sure to get all the dark brown off your hands, Ditto! Your whole family is going to be elbow deep in the light-brown goo soon enough! You don’t want to contaminate the goo, do you?

Spider-Man, 10/5/17

Ah, yes, our heroes have executed their strategy perfectly: isolate the villain from the substance he needs to stay alive, then claim that, despite the villain’s control of an army of thousands, only Spider-Man, with the proportional strength of an creature that we can all agree is primarily known for its digging prowess, can dig to said substance in time, then save the villain’s life and rejuvenate him so that he returns to the height of his powers. There are literally no holes in this plan!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/5/17

Hmm, looks like Rex Morgan is pivoting away from dogs too nightmarish to look upon and senile billionaires and the people who get to live their houses rent-free to … counterfeit comic book art being auction off on eB[I PASS OUT FACE-DOWN ONTO MY KEYBOARD OUT OF BOREDOM BEFORE I CAN EVEN FINISH THIS SENTENCE]

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Funky Winkerbean, 10/3/17

Oh, say, what’s going on with Les and his trilogy of graphic novels about his dead wife? Well, it seems he’s descended into cultish madness, seeing himself as the Prophet of some mysterious God (cancer?) and determined to lead his reader-flock to the land that God has promised them (death?). Jokes on everyone else, though, because we all know that Moses never made it to the promised land! Les will just be sitting by the River Jordan (the entrance to the oncology department?) watching everyone else pass through, and presumably writing maudlin comic books about them.

Family Circus, 10/3/17

There’s a lot of things to unpack here, but let’s just start with the fact that PJ is literally a baby and can hardly be said to have any “habits” to break. The more troubling truth is that the Keane Kompound has descended in anarchy and a neglected PJ is lashing violently out at everyone, even the religious leaders who have come to try to broker peace — and yet, due to a congenital family condition, Billy can only report this terrible state of affairs via cute wordplay.

Spider-Man, 10/3/17

“Old friend — get it? You’re thousands of years old and you’re going to crumble to dust soon! Ha ha! The friend part isn’t true, I actually don’t like you very much.”

Mary Worth, 10/3/17

Don’t listen to her Wilbur, give us every hot Latin detail, especially the sexual ones

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Dick Tracy, 9/27/17

Hey, remember the Space Coupe? It was a charmingly retro spacecraft invented by Diet Smith that allowed Dick Tracy and his pals to travel to the moon, leading to the act of cross-species sex that brought adorable li’l Honeymoon Tracy into existence! Honeymoon was actually born within this space-travelling cylinder, so she has a unique right to wear that t-shirt, I suppose, though I can’t help but think about people who died horribly in it not that long ago!

Gasoline Alley, 9/27/17

Speaking of dying horribly, looks like Rufus is about to be involved in a fatal officer-involved shooting on the streets of Neo-Chicago! Presumably it will be easy to spin his impenetrable fake rustic dialect as resisting arrest in some way.

Judge Parker, 9/27/17

Oh my God, did a member of the Parker-Driver clan experience a consequence of some kind??? And it was for something she barely even did! (She and her arms dealer dad might’ve done a few light murders in the course of extracting herself from a CIA rogue op she probably should’ve noticed she had accidentally become a part of.) Anyway, three years in the clink in Parkerverse time will be the equivalent of … maybe 40, 50 years in real time? Enjoy reading the joyous strips featuring April’s release on your holo-pads in space, everybody!

Spider-Man, 9/27/17

Uhhhhh, Peter, she’s … already a widow? Uncle Ben? “With great power comes great responsibility?” Is any of this ringing a bell, Peter