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The Phantom, 12/8/15

We’ve now got to the part of the Tales of the Young Phantom where the Phantom had to ditch his posh American boarding school and go back to Bangalla and take over for his dad, who presumably was horribly mangled in a battle on the river against bandits and/or hippos. My favorite part of this strip is that Guran, who normally lets it all hang out in garb well-suited to Bangalla’s tropical climate, has been forced to put on Western clothes to fit in, and looks extremely unhappy about it. What is that, a blue chambray shirt tucked into jeans? Looks like faithful reader lumaca morente’s guess that this was all happening the ’90s was spot on.

Spider-Man, 12/8/15

One of my very favorite Newspaper Spider-Man storylines was when J. Jonah Jameson finally started offering health insurance to freelancers and Peter had to go get a physical before he could get insurance (which I’m pretty sure was never a thing, even in the days when you could be excluded for pre-existing conditions) and he wore his Spider-Man outfit under his clothes but then panicked when he forgot that visiting the doctor sometimes involves getting naked. I don’t remember how this ended, but he was briefly transformed into “Gown Man” and at some point the doctor tried to patent his spider-blood (the relative blood of a … spider?). What I’m saying is that I have high hopes for more medical hijinx from the quack J. Jonah Jameson keeps on retainer to certify that injuries suffered by Bugle contractors don’t qualify for workman’s comp.

In other news, JJJ’s right hand in panel two is reaching … through his jacket? Or maybe over it, or around it? To drape it over his right shoulder? The less time spent thinking about this the better, honestly.

Momma, 12/8/15

I’m not sure what the “EXIT” sign in panel one is supposed to signify. It’s pointing the way out of … this outdoor space where Francis is extolling his new girlfriend’s virtues? Sadly, if Momma thinks it’s an exit from this comic strip, she has another thing coming.

Gasoline Alley, 12/8/15

“Remember, kids, being one of the most famous writers in the world won’t do jack shit for you, financially! If you want to get rich, you’ve gotta do something really profitable, like patent valuable scrapbooking paraphernalia!”

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Funky Winkerbean, 12/6/15

As is the case in many societies, the economic and spiritual malaise that lies over Westview can be traced back to its education system. For instance, when a science teacher urges his students to “put on [their] thinking caps,” you’d think he was about to challenge them to use their knowledge of the scientific method to solve some problem or test a hypothesis. But at Westview High, this is just a prelude to a rambling punny joke-style utterance that might, if they’re lucky, teach them the Latin name of a constellation, a datum that at best you could call science-adjacent. The students look on in dumb incomprehension, which is a good preparation for their life in the Funkyverse, which will mostly consist of abuse structured as terrible unfunny wordplay.

Judge Parker, 12/6/15

You might be thinking, “The Spencer-Drivers are almost unimaginably rich. Isn’t it kind of unseemly for them to rush to cash this check, considering the solid possibility that Neddy is going to destroy the RV before delivering it to its purchaser?” Well, the joke’s on you and your bourgeois morality. How do you think the Spencer-Drivers got to be unimaginably rich? It certainly wasn’t by not cashing checks.

Marvin, 12/6/15

Kudos to Marvin for getting through a whole Sunday comic without a reference to urine or feces, I guess, but I have to say I find Jeff’s dead-eyed explanation of why dogs like nose-rubs pretty off-putting. It’s just because they have big noses, OK? There’s no pleasure to be had from rubbing the nose of your beloved pet. Any sense of bonding or connection you get from the process is false. It’s a simple physical reaction to an immutable physical fact. I kind of wish this strip was about Marvin shitting, honestly. At least Marvin enjoys shitting.

Spider-Man, 12/16/15

Backed into a corner and unsure how to respond, Peter Parker reacts like the hero he is: by slamming his head into JJJ’s computer until he can induce blessed unconsciousness.

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Funky Winkerbean, 11/25/15

Hey, Pete and Darren, as a relatively new transplant to LA, I understand that the little things can be tough — things like figuring out your favorite places to eat. In a huge city like Los Angeles, you have the additional dilemma caused by a wide variety of choices, a marked contrast to your hometown, where literally the only places that serve food are Montoni’s and the Toxic Taco. Anyway, my personal favorite pizza place that I’ve found so far is DeSano in East Hollywood, although they don’t deliver; Hard Times Pizza, on Glendale Boulevard in Echo Park, does, and they’re great too, though you might not be able to get delivery from them if you live over towards the Westside. I’m sure there are a number of great options there, though! I’m sure there are a number of options that are infinitely better than terrible Montoni’s sadness-pizza that’s been put on dry ice and shipped across the country, come the fuck on.

Spider-Man, 11/25/15

I’m not gonna lie to you: this extremely low-stakes brawl in the UN General Assembly hall could go on for weeks as far as I’m concerned and I will love every minute of it. Did Namor just kind of … swipe in the general direction of those security guards in panel one? Did everyone just sort of forget to look up as the floating Atlantean Combat Platform drifted into the chambers? How did it get through the door, anyway? And why did a race that lives under the sea bother to developer technology that can make things float in midair? Anyway, I hope this whole sequence lasts long enough to not answer any of these questions but raise a lot more questions through endless additional hilariously dumb details.

Pluggers, 11/25/15

Do you think plugger-cat paid for this fantasy? I’m just imagining plugger-cat talking to some confused male escort he found on backpage.com, and saying “Your ad says you’re up for anything.”

Heathcliff, 11/25/15

You can tell by his blank, expressionless stare that the Garbage Ape is super not into this scene. “Remember when they used to cheer like this just because I was swinging garbage cans around?” he thinks. “When did I need to start getting topical all of the sudden? Why can’t they just love me for the garbage?”

B.C., 11/25/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because living as an adult makes you want to die!