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Mark Trail, 4/19/11

Oh my God, John Thrasher’s been driven mad by the horrors he’s seen on the battlefields of Iraq Afghanistan Iraq Vietnam Korea (yeah, that seems about right) and has retreated into the deep woods, ready to unleash hell on whoever tries to talk him back to civilization. Seriously, is there a more badass name than “John Thrasher”? Mark might actually have a moment or two of difficulty in attempting to subdue this wayward PTSD case, though I’m less worried about his chances now that I know that he can just shake off a bullet to the head.

Beetle Bailey 4/19/11

Speaking of war-related trauma, Beetle Bailey seems to have taken a rather abrupt turn. After 50 years of living in some kind of peacetime paradise, the soldiers of Camp Swampy have suddenly been thrust into an apocalyptic worldwide war, in which they’ll be forced to fight until they qualify for old age benefits … if they live that long.

Gil Thorp, 4/19/11

Speaking of abrupt turns, two-thirds of the way through today’s Gil Thorp the creative team apparently decided that nobody would be able to follow the confusing softball drama and decided to switch to confusing corporate drama instead.

Ziggy, 4/19/11

At last, Ziggy has found someone he can look down on! It’s his goldfish. Does mocking and belittling your goldfish make you feel like a big man, Ziggy?

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Spider-Man, 3/21/11

I know this is a superhero comic, where heroes and villains typically engage in expository banter in mid-battle, and science is routinely ignored when not actively being laughed at. Still, everything about Morbius’s little soliloquy irritates me. I mean, the guy went through some quasi-scientific metamorphosis that made him an actual vampire (a “living vampire,” he calls himself, which, I can’t even deal with that right now) and apparently lightened his bones, but … he can’t fly? I mean, why stop short of flight? Too unrealistic? Or, worse, do the writers think they’re being somehow more accurate to bat anatomy and locomotion? Because, you know, bats really are the only mammals that actually fly. Morbius didn’t get his powers from experiments with flying squirrels, did he? I don’t know why I expect any such attention to detail from a strip that routinely describes spiders as insects, but it still galls me.

Hi and Lois, 3/21/11

Well, Trixie, it’s because your dad’s bowling has less to do with “bowling” and more with “not spending time with his family, because you’re all unbearable.” I’d make some joke about how Hi is having a secret affair, but it’s more likely he just goes to a bar and drinks in blessed silence for most of the evening.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/21/11

Man, that bird looks awfully pleased with itself. “Yeah, I totally crapped on that hillbilly lady’s head! I’m pretty cool.”

Ziggy, 3/21/11

Ziggy’s undereye bags really sell the joke here. Ha ha, Ziggy finds his poverty to be exhausting and emotionally taxing! That’s the joke, right?

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The comics celebrate Carnivale with a tedious procession of same-old same-old — so let’s dig in!

9 Chickweed Lane, 3/8/11

9 Chickweed Lane tries to balance weeks of yak yak gayification of Uncle Roger with weeks of dance dance straightification of Seth. It doesn’t work, but at least nobody’s talking.

Ziggy, 3/8/11

Everyone in Ziggy enjoys his suffering as much as the universe does.

Mary Worth, 3/8/11

Warning: Frolic ahead! Escape, Dawn — only TV Tropes can save you now!

Crankshaft, 3/8/11

See? Nothing really changes except your car is cheesier, your mood surlier, the weather’s worse, you can’t afford as many flowers, and your beloved is long dead. Happy Lent, everybody!

Stave off the gloom with a generous donation to the Comics Curmudgeon! Just click here if you’d prefer to send your contribution by mail. Thank you!

— Uncle Lumpy