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Funky Winkerbean, 3/18/17

So Funky walked up the hill to that mysterious abandoned house and then … spent the week walking around in it eerie emptiness? And then looked at an old painting on the wall for a while. And today, in the first dialogue of the whole week, thought-balloons some stuff that I guess is supposed to be profound but is actually just a symptom of a major depressive disorder. I honestly don’t know if this is a Significant Location From Storylines Past or just a Metaphor Symbolizing Life’s Impermanence, and I also don’t know what’s supposed to be happening here, but in a larger sense I feel like I know exactly what’s happening here, you know?

Judge Parker, 3/18/17

You’ll recall that when Derek was first introduced to this strip, he was Honey Ballinger’s boyfriend but Sophie liked him she decided to steam him away, but then suddenly (and by “suddenly” I mean “four years later,” because this is Judge Parker after all) Derek was Sophie’s boyfriend and she was worried Honey Ballinger was going to steal him away from her. This could’ve all been chalked up to the silly, transient nature of teen relationships, but as today’s final panel reveals, the question of who exactly was dating whom has abruptly become extremely serious.

Mary Worth, 3/18/17

Pretty sure that this is what you’d get if you were making a movie and directed your actors to “do a bunch of cocaine and then yell whatever comes into your head about cruises as loud and as fast as you can.”

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Hello all! I will refrain from any further Irishisms and just go straight into the comment of the week:

“There are a lot of staircases here at Welton Green, but there are elevators too. It’s been, what, more than a quarter century since the Americans With Disabilities Act was passed, and don’t get me started on how long it’s been since the invention of the elevator. Yes sir, we’re all about modernization here at Welton Green. Just ask the servants.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

The runners up are also very funny!

“When all you can afford is the Off, off, off, off, off Broadway ticket prices.” –Paula Gehringer, on Facebook

“It’s interesting that Beetle has included ‘Bread of Roses’ among the improbably punny list of local restaurant names. It makes no sense — who would want rose-favored bread? — so he probably means it as code for ‘bread and roses,’ a slogan of striking labor unionists in the early 20th century. It sounds as if the terrible food, lousy working conditions and constant beatings Sarge and the rest of the Camp Swampy brass provide their soldiers are about to catch up with them.” –BigTed

“The Glutton’s Grill seems pretty straightforward about the kind of clientele it’s trying to attract. The food’s probably great, but try not to watch your fellow patrons for too long. Please keeps your limbs inside your booth.” –Cloudbuster

“‘You’re listening to Irony-FM, guaranteed contrast with your surroundings 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!’ Of course, this being the Funkyverse, they probably just play that song on a loop.” –Applemask

“Admittedly, Mary’s coup-meddling game is untested. But whether she ends up blindfolded in front of a brick wall or gazing upon her people from a palace balcony, the journey would indeed be awesome.” –Johnny Knuckles

“I think the real horror here is the fact that the house is at the top of a hill. For any middle-aged-or-older Batiuk character, that’s a terrifying prospect.” –Joe Blevins

“One thing you gotta respect about Doc: when he’s had enough of your inane chit-chat, he doesn’t mince words.” –pugfuggly

“If you’ve got the green, you’re always welcome at Welton Green.” –Zerowolf

“I feel that a bigger question is raised by that fish skeleton. What horrible crime did that fish commit against the citizenry of Animaltopia, such that the punishment was to be devoured alive by the Lord High Executioner Cat?” –Dmsilev

“It says a lot about Mary and Jeff’s relationship that when he needs care and support he goes to someone else and she leaves town.” –Aphthakid

“The majority of the upcoming arc is going to be taken up by Mary trying to post ‘Ask Wendy’ over the ship’s crappy, overpriced wi-fi.” –TheDiva

“A month from now, Wilbur sees a copy of the Tobago Times being used to stoke a curbside funeral pyre in an attempt to keep up with the Ebola outbreak. ‘Just make two lists, good stuff and stuff you want to avoid,’ Ask Wendy says, in answer to a woman who wants to know if it would be okay to tell a neighbor to not yell at her children. ‘Check with Jesus, he’s the big boss man. Remember, prison sucks.’ That’s when he finds out that his beloved column has been handed down to Tommy Beedle.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Each day they would feed us and then take us to the woods to go to the bathroom, one at a time. At first I was a little bladder shy, but then I began to learn that the guns pointed at me were to help as motivation. I’ll tell you, I’ve never had more regular movements in my life. It’s great being on schedule now. The daylight saving time adjustment didn’t even affect me this year.” –Chareth Cutestory

“You idealists believe that a gift economy would be efficient as a market economy and develop human relations! Snuffy Smith is here to dispel any illusion about a pastoral Arcadia!” –Ettorre

“Dennis practices sitting on a throne and making subjects kneel before him. Pretty menacing if you ask me!” –Tom the Sailor Man

“Detective Brack scowls at the boys as they tell their story. ‘That’s it? They made you go to the bathroom one at a time? What kind of half-baked scheme was this? I need some heavier torture if I’m going to be played by Jessica Chastain in a dramatic movie about how I brought these people to justice.’” –Drew Funk

“This is Ed’s ‘Capone Getting Busted for Tax Evasion’ Moment.” –Little Guy

“First they came for Crankshaft, and I said nothing. [pause] I think we’re actually all okay with that. [looks around, everyone’s nodding]” –Dan

“As part of their settlement with Carnival Cruises over their Wilbur and the sinking cruise ship storyline, Mary Worth will now run a week of strips shamelessly promoting how safe and enjoyable cruises are.” –Dread

“The ‘Charterstone Chow’ pellets may be nothing to write home about, but what they’re really here for is the Lemonade Jello — ‘Looks just like a real glass of lemonade!'” –Glod Glodson

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Mary Worth, 3/17/17

Look, I understand that in these troubled time for publishing, media properties have to do all they can to come up with new and creative sources of revenue. I just don’t think it’s appropriate to let the cruise industry buy long stretches of enthusiastic dialogue in Mary Worth like this. This only thing missing here is Dawn or Tommy or some other condo resident wandering by and saying “Hey, I couldn’t help but overhear that you were talking about taking a cruise! Did you know that the threats from norovirus and Legionnaire’s Disease to passengers are vastly overhyped as part of the liberal media’s anti-cruise-industry agenda?”

Mary and Tobey should should be extolling the dining possibilities aboard top-of-the-line cruise ships. Sure, the buffets might leave a little to be desired, but they’re leaps and bounds ahead of the nutrient-rich but bland “Charterstone Chow” pellets they’re eating for lunch today.

Crankshaft, 3/17/17

Remember, Crankshaft is supposed to be the “fun” Funkyverse strip, which means its punchlines are meant to be broader and less grounded in reality. Unfortunately (or maybe extremely fortunately), the art style is still infected by omnipresent Funkyverse gloom-realism, which means that this week’s strips, about how silly it would be if a beekeeper gave rum balls to bees and they got a li’l tipsy, have now climaxed with Crankshaft looking genuinely terrified that he’s about to be hauled off to jail.