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Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/15/17

Yeah, yeah, a member of the bemulletèd Rat family is about to attempt another harebrained robbery, this time at a snooty restaurant so he can combine his theft with class vengeance, but here’s the comic that I want to see: Max attempting to eat his corn on the cob with a fork and knife, while Slylock looks on silently with increasing contempt.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/15/17

Ahhh, Funky Winkerbean marriage in a nutshell. Panel one: heavy-lidded emotional ennui. Panels two through five: horrified panic at the prospect of having to live through your few remaining years alone. Panel six: Hilarious misunderstanding, back to the ennui.

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Mary Worth, 1/14/17

OH SNAP GUYS THIS IS A METAPHOR! A metaphor for Iris’s current romantic dilemma, where she has to choose between Zak and Wilbur! It might not be obvious at first, but once you look at the details I think you’ll find it’s pretty clear:

• Zak is a simple grad student without much money, so his activities with Iris will be limited to things like bowling and cheap concerts for local bands. Iris is satisfied by her sexual encounters with Zak so consistently that they’ve almost become routine.
• Wilbur, meanwhile can afford the go-go world travelling lifestyle that only a lucrative syndicated newspaper columnist career can subsidize, voyaging to exotic Antarctica and Japan on a whim. However, due to Wilbur’s age and constant mayonnaise consumption, his heart could go at any time, meaning that any relationship with him could lack longevity. Zak, by contrast, is healthy and twenty years younger than Iris, and thus unlikely to predecease her.

It seems like a difficult choice! I don’t envy her!

Hi and Lois, 1/14/17

I really appreciate the amount of care that’s been put into the accoutrements of Thirsty’s sloth here. I’m particularly fond of the fact that there are two sock but only one shoe in evidence, that there’s a can of PBR on the floor and pint and shot glasses on the coffee table (no coasters, natch), and that there are multiple books strewn about, since just because you’re a slob doesn’t mean you’re a philistine. But the best for sure is Thirsty’s big smile as he naps on the Flagston’s couch. He hasn’t been this happy in years!

Gil Thorp, 1/14/17

“Aaron, your teammates overheard you talking about taking drugs. This is extremely serious.”

“But what if … I don’t offer you any explanation, and you wait until the end of the week when I reveal the truth in a dramatic fashion at the game against our biggest conference rival?”

“Enh, that’ll work.”

Marvin, 1/14/17

Ha ha! It’s funny because Jeff is happy to let Marvin stew in his own feces, as long as he doesn’t have to smell it!

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Hey everybody! A big thanks to everyone who’s signed up to be a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter over the past week! Remember, for a mere $3 a month (charged to your credit card every month; cancel any time!) you get:

• A lovely ad-free version of the site and RSS feed
• A what-you-see-is-what-you-get editor that lets you add bold, italics, and other formatting
• The ability to edit your comment up to ten minutes after you post it (even if it’s in moderation!)

And we’re working to clean up the redesigned site for older browsers and also tackle some requested design/feature tweaks, like restoring the Random Post O’ Mystery link on the archives page and tweaking the left-hand nav bar. Stay tuned! And if you’re spotting bugs, please email me at jfruh@jfruh.com!

But your first comment of the week of 2017 is ready … right now!

“Well, no wonder Zak got a strike so easily — he seems to be throwing from the middle of the lane. Iris is really just impressed by how the kids today don’t play by anybody’s rules, not even the bowling alley’s.” –Noel

And your very funny runners up!

“I’m glad to see that Iris has finally accepted Mickey Mouse as her Lord and Savior.” –Dmsilev

“I’m trying to imagine the original conversation that must have led to this moment. ‘Dennis, have I ever told you what happens to us when we die?'” –Joe Blevins

“50 Shades of Dull.” –Rusty

“Amazing demonstration of the storytelling potential of the graphic arts in today’s Funky Winkerbean. Through the two panels, we learn a lot: A large dome existed in black-and-white photo times, and was apparently called ‘the Brown Derby.’ Then an indeterminate number of decades later, some old people were smug … in the vicinity of the very same dome!” –Schroduck

“Your momma’s so stupid, her nickname is ‘Bray!’ … … You know, like a donkey’s bray? Bray, a brop of bolden sun? Yo momma’s so hoarse, her nickname is ‘Hhhhh’! Is that not bray-worthy? I don’t remember where I was going with this, but I hope you had a nice weekend, too.” –Hogenmogen!

“These people are about to perform a sex act that in old Hollywood was called a ‘brown derby,’ and it’s every bit as horrible as you would imagine.” –BigTed

“Well, dang it, Elviney! How are we gonna be Hootin’ Holler’s first improv troupe if you won’t ‘yes, and…’ me?” –Dr. Dread

“In all fairness to the ladies, after a few hits from Snuffy’s jug, you can imagine any flavor is good after your taste buds have been cauterized.” –Maltmash3r

“When I dine, I find it convenient to sit with my face approximately an inch from my companion’s, all the better to share our smug, lackluster wordplay and whatever contagious, fatal diseases we’re assuredly carrying.” –Steve S

“Like a seafood restaurant lets you pick your own live lobster from the display tank, The Brown Derby shows you a plethora of human heads upon which you can feast. Pick the one you want and they’ll boil it up quick and serve it with a mallet and scoop.” –Voshkod

“Look at Dennis’ intense study of Mr. Wilson. With the eyes of a scientist he watches. Wilson’s face, his anger, his heart, weakened by age but still capable of immeasurable rage: What makes this old man tick? thinks Dennis. The amateur menaces without knowledge using crude tactics and brute force but Dennis is the master and so studies his opponent. He studies so that he may know the secret words that will bring cold sweats and terror. He studies so that he may someday become the essence of menace itself.” –EscapeZeppelin

“Honestly, I really admire Zak’s commitment to wooing Iris. ‘Hmm, that concert didn’t go so well! What’s a thing that women my mom’s age like? Bowling? Do people still do that? I better check YouTube!'” –Here come the Judge

“…and then, the doors of the Family Fun-O-Rama flung open, and there, standing in the mist (actually, the smoke of smokers who were certainly not fifteen feet from the door), to Iris’s surprise, stood Wilbur, wearing a beard and a parka and ready to fight for his woman. His ball, Mjölnir, glistened as he stepped forward into the light and said, ‘Let’s play.'” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“‘Sophie is not one of your cases, Sam!’ Wait, is this how Sam usually prepares for his cases, by dressing up like a drifter and wandering the woods? There is so much about the law I don’t understand.” –pugfuggly

“I don’t know if anybody noticed, but you can mix and match ‘Fightin’ Rooster‘ here with a lot of other stuff: ‘moonshine still’, ‘stockpile of heroin’, ‘brothel to run’. Actually, if you drop the ‘shameful and illegal’ angle, pretty much anything’ll work: ‘Xbox One’, ‘gold tooth’, ‘newborn child’.” –Jack Loves Comics

And I must give a huge thanks to all the extremely kind people who put some scratch in my tip jar or backed me on Patreon! I’m taking a moratorium on ad buys because we’re still tweaking the ad slots, but look for exciting ways you can advertise on this site come 2017!