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Judge Parker, 9/11/16

As the Marciuliano Era starts rolling along in earnest over in Judge Parker, I’ve heard some suggestions that Garrick Panini’s vaguely Captain Kangaroo-ish look is a tribute to beloved Mary Worth character Aldo Kelrast, and the fact that he’s been harassing a late-night lady call-in show DJ might cement that thought, though I note that he’s been given a hint of a mullet, so that he conforms with the Trucker’s Code. I think it would be frankly hilarious if the shift in writers means we’re just going to abruptly wrap up all existing storylines and start in on Garrick Panini in earnest. “Detective Lucas! We found a girl! And another girl and two guys! They’re fine! They’re a little shaken up but the experience made the two girls understand that life is fleeting and they’re gonna let bygones be bygones! Also, the girl’s sister’s clothing line launch had a few bumps but her brand is finding a foothold in the market! And her father’s former legal partner’s father’s book’s movie adaptation is in turnaround, and his pregnant wife checked in with a CIA station in Banja Luka and she’s OK too! And I think that’s it! Is there something else? Something with Marie, maybe? Enh, who cares! Let’s talk about this bag of money for the next six to eight weeks.”

Mary Worth, 9/11/16

It’s really too bad Iris didn’t decide to start mothering again back when Tommy was having no problems scoring Vicodin, as he was feeling great and that’s the perfect time for a little low-stress, high-reward parent-child interaction. Unfortunately she’s checked in just in time for the hard part. What swear word do you think has been censored in panel five to spare the delicate sensibilities of the Mary Worth readership? Is it “heck”? Those sensibilities are in fact extremely delicate.

Family Circus, 9/11/16

Looks like the Family Circus-Pokémon Go co-branding had one contractually obligated Sunday strip left! I just want to point out that when it comes to walking dogs, “exercise” is often a euphemism for “opportunity to poop outdoors”; since Billy seems wholly unequipped with waste bags, I’m sad for all those park-goers whose vision isn’t cluttered with VR Pikachus or whatever, who’ll have to see the carnage Barfy and Billy will leave in their wake.

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Spider-Man, 9/10/16

Spider-Man barely seems to care about the supervillains he battles with half the time, and he certainly isn’t emotionally invested in his job as a freelance photographer. So what’s his real motivation, then? Maybe it’s to find a true friend, someone who he can open up to, and take some of the pressure of emotional labor off of his wife, who barely tolerates him most of the time. For a tantalizing moment, it seemed like Scott could be that friend: after all, his insistence on stripping away the artifice of the superhero lifestyle seemed to lead to today’s first panel, in which he asks our hero about something real in his life. But, haha, nope, turns out that was just to distract Spidey so that he could get to the top of the building faster. Looks like yet another would-be pal is going to be paralyzed by spider-venom and left a hollowed-out husk after the delicious nutrients in his interior have been sucked out!

Six Chix, 9/10/16

I understand the motivation behind this, lady, but I’m not sure how comfortable you’re going to be in thirty years showing your own children lovingly hand-inked drawings of their father’s dick.

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Omigosh I know it’s late in the day but here is your Comment! Of! The! Week!

“Most kids like to imagine themselves playing for the pros, but this is Milford, where you dream little.” –TheDiva

And your runners up! Hilarious and worth waiting for!

“What’s saddest here is how when Tommy was hooked on meth he could make his own supply. But with Vicodin he’s dependent on the pharmaceutical industrial complex. Main Street is dead, man.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“What a difference a few lines make. In Panel 2, the gentle look of concern from Mister Pharmacist. In Panel 6, just by making the eyebrows bend down instead of up, and a few extra forehead wrinkles, it goes straight from Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood to Death Rays From Planet Pharmacist emitting from his face. I look forward to tomorrow’s strip, when a SWAT team of DEA agents will rappel down from the pharmacy’s ceiling.” –Bruce Arthurs

“Not a single blonde, redhead, or brunette. Goth Day at the beach is clearly going well.” –Molly Dolan, on Facebook

“Mom, you’re not thinking about the advantages here. We could start shitting in the front yard now.” –Joe Blevins

“Wait, he’s pointing at me! You mean … I’m Pelwecki? I was Pelwecki all along? Man, that’s one plot twist I did not see coming.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Yes, there’s no democracy in this office. It’s strictly a ‘sleep your way to the top’ regime, so if you’ll excuse me Leroy, I need to keep posing with my shirt unbuttoned and my buttocks thrust out, and hope the managers like what they see. As for you … well, enjoy fitting your weird lumpen bulk under our less-than-knee-high desks in the loser cubicle for the rest of your career.” –Schroduck

“It’s called Jesus. Here’s some literature.” –tihond

“‘Ah, but did you know addiction … can be treated.’ ‘It can? Then I shall take my leave of this pharmacy, and visit the shaving aisle. Perhaps a haircut and an employment agency on the way ho–’ [Mary leaps on-panel in a flying tackle] ‘YOU NEVER GOT ADVIIIICE’” –Dan

“They took a picture of Jeffy right before he balanced a ball on his nose, barked for fish, and then waddled back into the water. What I’m saying is Jeffy’s an affront to nature and humanity.” –Steve S

“I had no idea what was going on here when I first looked. My first guess was that this was Crankshaft: Origins in which a tween-aged Ed wakes up on a bus, started driving it, and never looked back.” –pugfuggly

“I’ve seen Pat Sajak spin a bankrupt, so I guess pluggers fall into an alcoholic stupor before 7:50pm. (Or 7:20pm. Check your local listings.)” –nescio

“Jeez, what is in the water that makes even school kids experience male pattern baldness (or, as they probably call it around there, ‘hair cancer’)?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“How tired do you have to be to fall asleep on Crankshaft’s school bus? Tired of life, I mean.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“If someone had a ’10 week skip’ card, why didn’t you play it sooner?” –Kevin on Earth

“Wait, I thought Tuesdays were ‘disturbing intelligent animal horror’ day.” –Horace Broon

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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