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Mary Worth, 3/27/16

You know, if you want proof that Mary’s reputation as a fixer of lives isn’t quite deserved, check out Dawn Weston. She’s been living in Charterstone under Mary’s watchful gaze since childhood, and still she’s as sad and pathetic as ever! But soon she’s going to be the coolest kid at her local junior college: remember, every great tale of social climbing begins with a unappreciated teen violently clinking coffee mugs with an old woman. Let the aggressive friendship-establishment montage … commence!

Judge Parker, 3/27/16

How often has this happened to you? You think your country music star husband has run off with his secretary … but nope, he’s just flown to Los Angeles to buy some solid gold cookware, probably as a gift for the Sultan of Brunei or something. Ha ha, what a kooky misunderstanding! Thank goodness the crack Judge Parker investigative team was on the case to figure this stuff out before things got out of control! And all they had to do to figure it out was abuse their wealth and privilege and use the power of the state for their private interests.

Oh, and, hey, remember that lady that Neddy sideswiped with her monstrously large RV without noticing? Well, she’s not a sexy lady like Neddy at all, but is instead a heavyset woman literally named “Mrs. Chubb,” so probably the whole thing was her fault and she’ll be writing the Spencer-Drivers a check soon enough.

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/26/16

Proof positive that Funky Winkerbean takes place ten years in the future: Everyone, even people going to see classic films in retro movie theaters that cater specifically to cinephiles, just talks at full volume right through the movie now. This is basically my nightmare scenario for the future, frankly. I’d rather have the killer robots take over. At least that’d be faster.

Judge Parker, 3/26/16


“Look, I don’t actually care about this arbitrary rule you broke! Why don’t you call someone over my head? Why don’t you hire my sister? Why don’t you contemplate how small my hourly rate is compared to your vast resources? DO I HAVE TO SPELL THIS OUT FOR YOU?”

Gil Thorp, 3/26/16

Oh, yeah, right, so this confrontation ended with rugby star Kenzie breaking one of the bad kid’s jaws, and now everyone feels bad and weird because you shouldn’t resolve your disputes through violence men should be violently protecting women, not vice versa. Now Coach Thorp is going to rouse himself from his usual torpor to Fix Things With The Teens, by use of clever thought experiments that definitely aren’t going give rise to lawsuits and/or lifelong emotional scars, no sir.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/26/16

OR MAYBE SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU GUYS, JESUS

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Guys, I have been remiss in keeping you up to date on important news in our beloved soap opera strips! First off, Paul Ryan, who’s been the artist on the Phantom since 2005, sadly passed away earlier this month. The new artist for the daily strip will be Mike Manley, who you may recognize as the artist for Judge Parker. Meanwhile, Terry Beatty, who draws the Sunday Phantoms and also Rex Morgan, M.D., wil be writing Rex Morgan as well! This is the first shift in writer in that strip over the whole time I’ve written this blog, and it will be very interesting to see what new directions he’ll come up with. Woody Wilson will still write Judge Parker, so we won’t have to deal with too much change at once. The new strips from everyone should start showing up in May.

But your comment of the week is available … right now!

“Yeah, Andy was just at the funeral of the man he mauled to steal that suit. Bears, man.” –Steve S

And the runners up! Very funny!

“I’d desperately love to see the next panel, since Rex has no concept of irony or sarcasm and would likely try to come up with a sincere answer to Milton’s bitter rhetorical question. ‘Um … bad, I guess?’ Milton would then use his last bit of strength to cover his own face with his palm.” –Joe Blevins

“I guess Loweezy and Elviney are backwoods goths, judging from their ‘tomato beset by acremonium mold’ and ‘Manic Panic in the exact same color as my collar and cuffs’ looks. Mabel should know that there’s no room for preps in THIS town!” –letsmoveourbootybutts

“Come on, Milton, tell us how you really feel. Oh, you already are? Well, I guess Heather doesn’t have to try so hard to stop you, since it’s not a board meeting.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Why is it a bogus brew? Probably because a mix of ‘mushroom spores’ (i.e., psilocybin mushrooms), ‘honey extract from flowers’ (morphine) and ‘cactus juice’ (mescaline) isn’t going to give you a rush of happy feelings so much as a wild journey into the darkest regions of your own soul. Hope none of you animals have any unresolved feelings about any petty crimes you might have committed in previous strips, because that shit is about to get real.” –pugfuggly

“Rex consults the laminated picture of an ox he carries in his wallet for reference. It is the only diagnosis he knows.” –Uncle Lumpy

Today’s Gasoline Alley is clearly the setup for a porno that I am not in the target demographic for.” –Doctor Handsome

“You want to talk menace? Whose tongue is Wilson carrying around in his back pocket?” –Dood

“I love Rex’s clenched jaw in panel 2. ‘Must … maintain …pleasantries…'” –The Might Untrained FOOZLE

“I’m really hoping for a ‘gaslighting Milton’ twist here. He’s not losing his mind — he’s being slowly poisoned by his wife. Nobody knows how to slip barbiturates into mush like a former nanny!” –Fritz H.

“Funny that Dennis’ dad’s boss looks a lot like Henry, except with a squarer jaw, more determined expression, more modern hair and glasses, and multiple degrees on the wall. This is the life Henry thought he would lead when he married gorgeous Alice, only to be dragged down into psychological defeat by his stinker of a son.” –BigTed

A library book!? My one weakness!” –Peanut Gallery

“Haha, Dawn is doing that thing where when you haven’t been listening to someone you just repeat the last phrase they said as a question so that they will carry on talking.” –Currer Bell

“Lilian knew this would have to end in death; her death, or the library’s death. She’d seen things in her long life, things that books only hinted at. Panic drained from her body, replaced with grim determination. ‘You girls go finish all the sodas in the fridge,’ she said with false gaiety, ‘Grandma needs the bottles!’ There would be gas in the garage, and plenty of rags to turn into fuses. And tonight, purifying fire at the library would destroy all records of late fees. Yes; this was the easy way out.” –Voshkod

This is like an industrial safety training pamphlet, only somehow more boring.” –Vulcan With a Mullet

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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