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Family Circus, 7/29/16

This whole week of Billy at camp, dangerously self-actualized and unwilling to put up with any degree of camp-related bullshit whatsoever, has almost transformed him in my mind into the hero we need. Look at the way he’s striding confidently out of the craft area! The best part is that he got most of the way through making his wallet, so his exit has maximum effect. Billy could make a wallet, he’s totally capable of making one, but he chooses not to, because it’s unnecessary. He’s like a damn Ayn Rand protagonist at this point.

Mark Trail, 7/29/16

At last, Mark Trail has unleashed the “Mark and Cherry are lounging around in swimsuits” strip to respond to the famous “Rex and June are lounging around in their underwear” Rex Morgan, M.D. strip. The Rex Morgan strip ran more than eight years ago, because soap opera strip feuds are just as slow-moving as actual soap opera strips.

Crankshaft, 7/29/16

Good news! Crankshaft’s dying!

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Beetle Bailey, 7/28/16

Poor Otto is already forced to wear clothes and walk around on two legs in a grotesque parody of a human being. But for me, having him wear a watch is a bridge too far. What’s the greatest thing about being a dog? That you never have to know what time it is. That you live according to the natural rhythms of the world and your body, not the micro-segmented increments of the day that we humans have spend centuries measuring with increasingly distressing efficiency. This saddens my dog-loving heart!

Marvin, 7/28/16

Though not as much as I’m saddened by this week’s Marvin, in which Bitsy the dog becomes obsessed with his own mortality, in a plot similar to the episode of the Disney Channel show Dog With A Blog that I talked about last month, hmmmm. Anyway, today’s strip reveals that, before he dies, Bitsy yearns to kill.

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Mary Worth, 7/27/16

Since we’ve already established that Tommy and Iris look uncannily alike, this is a genuinely great way to show their different life trajectories: Iris, working hard to finally get her college degree, and Tommy, enjoying is Vicodin breakfast, along with his regular food breakfast, sitting in almost the exact same post. It also looks a lot like one of those anti-drug campaigns dreamed up by squares who actually think studying hard is cool, but doesn’t really transmit the intended message to most people. Like, sure, kids, you could spend your mornings writing down a bunch of facts like a god-damned nerd, or you could lazily eat cereal and literally escape from the pain of this world, which I think most of us would agree sounds pretty great. My favorite touch is how Tommy is enjoying his coffee out of a mug that says “MOM” on it. Too bad mom isn’t there to drink out of it herself! Because she’s at the library at breakfast time! What a loser!

Marvin, 7/27/16

Dog heaven is apparently just a infinite series of small cages where dog souls are boarded for all eternity. That’s still an improvement over dog hell, which is an endless sea of urine and feces.