Post Content

Judge Parker, 7/31/16

Finally, everyone Sam and Abbey live with is gone for the night, having sex responsibly somewhere, so now they can have sex, responsibly! Remember, the Spencer-Drivers live a palatial horse-breeding compound and everyone’s bedroom is at least a half a mile away from everyone else’s, so obviously thre is a lot of special pleading going on here on the importance of having everyone out of their hair. I think they’re worried about the last time they tried to have sex, when this horror-nightmare happened, and they want to make sure it never happens again.

Crankshaft, 7/31/16

I like the vigorous wink Crankshaft is giving Pam in the final panel here. He knows he’s making a little joke! He knows this jersey is an inanimate object, and can’t actually collect Social Security! Since this is the first time I’ve ever seen him do this, I have to assume that with every other mangled wordplay-chunk he comes up with — the punchlines of about 75% of Crankshaft strips, in other words — he has no idea how dumb he sounds.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/31/16

The first row of throwaway panels at the top of the strip, which don’t appear in every newspaper depending on how they lay out their Sunday comics, completely change the content here. Without them, we just have a harmless, sappy series of nicknames. With them, we have Loweezy stalling a Barlow, the hated enemy of her clan in a feud that’s stained the hills with blood for generations, until her husband can show up with his shotgun.

Post Content

The Phantom, 7/30/16

In the non-monastery-based Phantom Kids Go Off To School plot, the Phantom’s daughter Heloise is at her fancy boarding school in New York with her new roommate, who is, unbeknownst to anyone, the daughter of her father’s mysterious arch-nemesis, Eric Sahara, the Nomad! The girls are anxiously feeling each other about their fathers and the nebulous sources of vast wealth that allow them to attend an expensive private school. Don’t feel awkward or out of place, girls: you’re mingling with the children of New York City’s elite! Plenty of your classmates’ parents have killed people. Mostly they’ve killed them by firing them so they don’t have health insurance anymore, but still.

Mary Worth, 7/30/16

Vicodin®: It Can Help You Clean Up An Explosive Diarrhea Situation™! Ask your doctor if Vicodin is right for you, your family, and your sandwich eatery that maybe has a little more E. coli in the meat than is strictly ideal.

Post Content

Without any ado whatsoever: your comment of the week!

“‘Self-help can be a slippery slope.’ Mary is talking about masturbation? It is masturbation, right?” –Nancy Russo

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Was it really necessary for that poor UPX driver to drag that stupid package up a flight of stairs? So much better to leave the life-sized Doctor Doom in the front window of Montoni’s, where it will serve as a reminder of what the pizza is doing to the customer’s colons.” –Joe Blevins

“Be sure to arrive early at that Mudhens game! Everyone who comes in late will get TWO Crankshaft bobbleheads.” –Peanut Gallery

“Clearly this Elihas Starr is up to no good. He refers to the Daily Bugle as ‘esteemed.’” –BigTed

“And in news from the tribal area of Pakistan, 42 people attending a wedding were badly overfed when a U.S. pizza drone mistakenly launched a pepperoni and onion barrage.” –Voshkod

“Let’s grab him and bring him to a meeting of Children of Alcoholics. Because this sorry little asshole needs a PROGRAM!” –word-doctor

“I can answer all of Josh’s questions in one answer: The purple thing is the Goldfishes’ robotic body.” –Pak-Man

“As if we need more evidence that Tommy is shiftless and irresponsible: he leaves the milk out on the table while he eats breakfast! His mother should have taught him better, but she was too busy with her book-learning.” –Arabella

“This one panel does a fine job of capturing the degradation of addiction, with details like his addle-brained eating of children’s cereal, losing the will to shave and sitting around in an undershirt while one’s mother — your own mother, you bum! — goes off to work hard. Somehow, though, all that wasn’t enough. Somebody said, ‘If people are really going to get that he’s a slave of prescription painkillers, we have to show Tommy caressing the bottle and reading take two tablets at mealtime as needed over and over, lovingly, for as long as this story arc goes on.'” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I lost my watch here in this in-between realm where only my bed and a you, me, and Otto seem to exist. Hey Sarge, how long are they going to be doing those inter-dimensional experiments here at Camp Swampy? I lost my watch. I lost my watch. I lost my watch.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Why does Bitsy hate the squirrel? Is it the squirrel’s freedom? Some displaced thanatophobia? ‘How dare this squirrel continue to live, after I have died! The arrogance! The unmitigated gall!’ Why stop at the squirrel, Bitsy? Why stop at the squirrel.” –bunivasal

“Of course Ed is lucky. He’s offended countless people. He’s committed god knows how many felonies. He has yet to pay for any of his actions.” –Liam

“I’m a bit put off by Billy saying ‘father’ instead of ‘daddy’ like he’s suddenly the heir to old money.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Yes, Billy: your dad does have a wallet but he also has a son without any bankable skills. Back to the bench, kid.” –pugfuggly

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.