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Spider-Man, 6/10/16

Haha, has it really been a month since I updated you on Spidey’s dumb adventures? Well, here’s what happened: Xandu used the Wand of Watoomb to defeat Nightmare and bring his scary nightmare-dimension to New York’s Washington Square Park, and then used the Wand of Watoomb to take over innocent New Yorkers’ minds and have them beat up Spider-Man. But then Spider-Man started winning. How could this be? Could Spidey actually be using his super-powers to defeat an enemy??? No, don’t be ridiculous: he was merely a puppet being used by Doctor Strange, a much more powerful and talented superhero. This has got to be his most relaxing victory to date! He didn’t even have to do any of the work! The only way it could’ve been better if he had been able to watch TV during the process, somehow!

Gasoline Alley, 6/10/16

I don’t know what’s funnier here: that there was concern that this plot-advancing untruth might cast improper aspersions on Gertie’s pie-baking skills, or that we’re expected to believe that anybody edits Gasoline Alley.

Mary Worth, 6/10/16

I sincerely hope that this is the first Mary Worth comic that at least one person in the world has seen, and that that person assumes the strip is about an unusually cheerful woman who works in a prison library.

Pluggers, 6/10/16

You’re a plugger if you take decent care of your car but you’re dying of heart disease.

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Gil Thorp, 6/9/16

Holy crap, I’ve been reading Gil Thorp for more than a decade and I’m reasonably sure this is the first time they’ve actually killed off a character! (I’m not counting the time Coach Kaz punched a guy in the brain.) The victim was sassy, beloved Boo Radley, who briefly dated golden boy True Standish and just pitched a no-hitter; she died in a multi-car pileup caused by drunken Pa Bader, who decided that driving sober was for people who can’t close. Will his monster of a son still obnoxiously defend him now that he’s killed one of his own classmates? Probably not, since there’s only like a week or two left until the end of the spring storyline. Anyway, things are gonna get grim!

Family Circus, 6/9/16

This senseless tragedy really puts Billy’s petty problems in perspective, doesn’t it? Still, I appreciate the effort he’s going to here to really wallow in his gloom. He’s wearing all black, to commemorate the day he turned his back on the God who failed him and pledged his allegiance to Satan.

Blondie, 6/9/16

At least we can count on the solid, charming laughs of Blondie to cheer us up! Ha ha, poor people, am I right? What a bunch of scam artists!

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Mary Worth, 6/8/16

Pretty cool to know that Harlan has given a lot of thought to the dynamic of the little two-dog pack he has going on over at his sad little apartment! One question, though: if Harlan’s the alpha dog, why’d he name the other dog Alfie? Seems unnecessarily confusing. And if he’d named it “Beta-y”, he could just claim he was inspired by beloved St. Louis Hawks star Zelmo Beaty.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/8/16

Wait, why is Snuffy debating the sheriff? Is he running for sheriff? While I wouldn’t put it past Snuffy to try to take control of local law enforcement and declare all crime legal, that would be a lot more democracy than we’d ever seen in Hootin’ Holler. More likely this “town hall debate” is an pretext for the gathered residents to violently eject from the Holler the only representative of the distant, hated government. Presumably the arguing will be over whether the sheriff should be allowed to flee after being roughed up a bit, or if his body should simply be dumped just over the county line.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 6/8/16

St. Bernards traditionally carry liquor in their little casks, and hipster small-batch liquor is definitely a thing, so it saddens me that this joke is about bubbly water. C’mon, Mother Goose and Grimm, booze jokes are OK in the comics again! Thirsty Thurston’s back to being an obvious drunk! Go nuts!

Beetle Bailey, 6/8/16

So Beetle’s shorts came off but his hat didn’t? A likely story. That isn’t even his usual hat. And look at his exaggerated sweating as he pleads his case! I recognize consensual public nudity-based humiliation play when I see it.