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Depressing old-timey funnies

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/3/15

If you really want a glimpse into just how desperately poor Hootin’ Holler is, imagine a child lying in the dark with a pillow over his head, barely able to breathe, desperately trying to fall asleep so that a mysterious magical creature will come and wrench one of his teeth out of his head, leaving a few coins behind in return.

Gasoline Alley, 12/3/15

Gasoline Alley: still going on about scrapbooking, I guess! Did you know that Thomas Jefferson kept a scrapbook, of important news items from his presidency? Some might be inclined to refer to this not as “scrapbooking” but rather as “keeping an archive of important historical documents,” but at least he did it himself, rather than let the American taxpayer foot the bill like these liberal spend-o-crats in office today! (Ugh, actually, he probably had his slaves do it, never mind.)

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Kid-fails

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/2/15

“Ohhhh, a midwife helps you get the baby out of your tummy! No, when I said ‘help,’ I meant help make the baby. With sex! Sex doesn’t really seem like it’d be daddy’s bag, is what I’m saying. And even if it was, I don’t think he’d be very ‘helpful’ to you. If you follow me. I’m a disturbing child-adult!”

Family Circus, 12/2/15

Mommy’s look of crushing despair is perfect. Remember, you can lead a kid to church, week after week, but you can’t make them think (about Jesus or God or salvation or the golden rule or selflessness or anything but presents, sweet sweet presents).

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Should be some blood trickling down that dude’s scalp, let’s be real

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The Phantom, 12/1/15

Whoa, all this time the Phantom has been trying to bully his son into heroism and suggesting he should go to Tibet for a years-long monastery education, like Phantoms past, but it turns out he spent his youth at some fancy New York boarding school! I don’t actually care about that one way or the other; I mostly am amused by the fact that (a) the Ghost Who Feels A Need To Project Patriarchal Authority sits on his massive Skull Throne when having family discussions and (b) has Box 7 at the Mawitaan post office. I mean, he’s a series of men who’ve been pretending to be the same deathless hero for multiple centuries. Who do you suppose got boxes 1 through 6? How many immortal ghosts can one mid-sized African republic support?

Six Chix, 12/1/15

Wait, people know this poem is about fighting off inevitable death, right. OBVIOUSLY THE CAT DOESN’T WANT TO GO OUT AT NIGHT, IT WILL GET HIT BY A CAR OR EATEN BY A COYOTE, WHO EVEN PUTS THEIR CAT OUT AT NIGHT ANYMORE, STOP MAKING GRIM POETRY JOKES ABOUT DYING CATS YOU MONSTER