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Funky Winkerbean, 8/26/16

Haha, whoops, looks like I was wrong about Bull’s death being swift and merciful! Nope, it seems we’re in for a long, drawn-out tale of our least favorite retroactively-semi-redeemed bully slowly succumbing to early onset Alzheimer’s, which I diagnose not as a doctor but as someone who over the years has become finely attuned to the sort of misery the Funkyverse dishes out. And is that … a hint of domestic violence in the final panel? Oh, this is going to be a hate-read for the ages, everybody.

Beetle Bailey, 8/26/16

General Halftrack has of course been pickling his brain in alcohol for years, so his incipient dementia isn’t the least bit of a dramatic reveal. I’m more concerned about whatever terrifying website Miss Blips is loading up in the background with its angry wolf splash screen. Best-case scenario is that it’s some kind of S&M wolf furry fetish site; I’m actually worried she’s joined a white supremacist militia and that, safe in the knowledge that her boss has checked out mentally, she’s now just openly browsing its message board at work.

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Beetle Bailey, 8/25/16

Here’s a charming true story of married life: my wife and I each insist that the other snores, and once, to prove who was right, we downloaded an app to our phones that turn on and record only when there’s sound, so we didn’t have to listen through eight hours of mostly silence to prove anything. The one time we used it, it recorded exactly zero snoring but an awful lot of farting, which we both found extremely hilarious. Anyway, long story short, I think we have a pretty strong marriage, but when you start seeing even the slightest echoes of your lives in the Halftrack’s hell-relationship, you start to worry a little bit.

Spider-Man, 8/25/16

I honestly have never understood what the deal is with the eyeholes on the front of Spidey’s mask. I mean, I generally think I understand them, in the sense that I assume they’re just patches of lighter material that allow him to see and also make his face look more facelike and not like a creepy, featureless head-front, but then things happen like panel two, where one of them winks, and I really don’t know what the hell I’m looking at. Anyway, this has ruined for me what should be the high point of my week, which is to say Spider-Man just getting straight-up punched in the face.

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Judge Parker, 8/25/16

Shout out to Woody Wilson for going out on a high note and handing Judge Parker to new writer (and friend-of-the-blog) Ces Marciuliano with a literal cliffhanger on which to begin his tenure. After barreling soberly-but-with-vodka-in-the-car down a windy mountain road, our triumphant but mysteriously nameless band (I nominate New Delhi Monkey Gang) broke into physical squabbling that knocked out Derrick’s tooth and marred his pretty, pretty smile, and also swerved them into the path of a giant truck. Anyway, today’s lovely strip probably is their frozen terror as they tumble down the mountainside rather than the final moment before they die (or, even better, the first moment after they die and begin their ascendence to Shitty High School Band Heaven), but, you know, a guy can dream.

The Phantom, 8/25/16

Oh boy, Kit Jr., has arrived at the Tibetan monastery that has educated several generations of Phantoms before him, hoping to bamboozle the monks into believing he’s an immortal jungle spirit! Unfortunately, it’s been a good several centuries since a Walker has taken up a residency at the monastery, and some of the geopolitics have shifted in the meantime, mostly involving Tibet’s conquest by the People’s Republic of China. If, say, Kit Jr.’s father or grandfather (who knows how old these people are supposed to be, even) had decided to revive this particular bit of Phantomic ritual, that might’ve put them straight into the middle of the Cultural Revolution and some real fun. As it is, Kit Jr. will probably just get in education in “socialism with Chinese characteristics,” i.e., he’ll find himself working for a cell phone manufacturer with a dodgy labor rights reputation.

Crankshaft, 8/25/16

Good news! Crankshaft is going to jail!