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Six Chix, 5/22/15

So, wait … is the turtle on the right a “drama queen” because it pulled its head into its shell for protection as inky black bird feces rained down from above? Or is the turtle on the left just the type to blame others for whatever misfortune befalls them? I genuinely will be puzzling over the meaning of this bizarre, grotesque cartoon all weekend, thanks a lot.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/22/15

Oh, man, Lukey’s crumpled face in panel two kind of kills me. “He’s right! I’m a flawed and fundamentally unlovable person, and soon everyone’s going to know the truth about how bad I am!”

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Gil Thorp, 5/21/15

Oh, hey, what’s going in baseball season in Gil Thorp? Well, it seems that football superstar/baseball dilettante True Standish was goofing around during a Mudlark loss, because football is a serious sport for real men and baseball is silly game you play when it’s nice out so why bother taking it seriously, enraging actual baseball player Max Ortiz. This is an interesting variation on the typical Gil Thorp storyline, which usually involves players all too intensely dedicated to their sport of choice, but at least we have one comforting narrative element to grasp on to: Coaches Thorp and Kaz remaining roughly twenty feet away from any brewing conflict and deciding to “let the guys police themselves.”

Family Circus, 5/21/15

Ma Keane’s biggest dream was that her kids might become slightly less moronically literal-minded once they learned to read. Today, that hope has been tragically dashed.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/21/15

Aww, how romantic! Grampy and Granny are going to spend their anniversary shitting!

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Shoe, 5/20/15

If you’re like, me you saw the Perfesser’s statement that he attended a “1950s sock hop” and immediately thought, “Have the bird-men of Shoe invented time travel, and do they use it to travel back to enjoy the innocent entertainments of simpler eras?” But the answer is clearly no, as obviously the Perfesser wouldn’t have phone service in the days before the deployment of modern wireless networks. So instead, we’ll have to console ourselves with the deliciously depressing story of the evening that we can derive from this strip: the Perfesser, having finally worked up the energy to leave behind another grim night at home, went out for a social event with fellow bird-nostalgists, only to be overcome with social anxiety at the thought of actually interacting with others; he thus spent the whole evening staring at his phone screen, with eventually disastrous results.

Heathcliff, 5/20/15

Hmm, how many SynergyPoints™ should we award today’s Avengers-themed Heathcliff? Well, we should deduct some for the fact that it was published nearly three weeks after the movie debuted, but perhaps add some back because the colorists correctly did up Heathcliff in Hulk green despite the absence of explicit color or even name cues in the caption text.

Archie, 5/20/15

OK, Newspaper Archie, we know you’re just slumming it here on the comics pages and most of your money comes from those Double Digests on sale at supermarket checkout aisles around the country, but that doesn’t mean you have to be rude about the genre.