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Funky Winkerbean, 10/17/14

So, yeah, it’s been all week and I still haven’t gotten over this “Les bowls Cayla over by writing a comic book about how she rescued him from the pits of despair when his first, more important wife died” plot twist. To make it even better, he’ll be flying her to Hong Kong so they can watch it get spat out of an industrial-sized laser printer at whatever low-bid printing company he picked that will just build a book out of any PDF you send them, which means the whole trip will be blessedly tax deductible. This obviously merits some tongue-kissing, and much as I rag on this strip, I have to say that Summer’s expression of mingled shock and disgust is perfectly rendered. She stands in for all of us.

Six Chix, 10/17/14

You kids today, always taking pictures of each other with your cell phones for the instagrams and so forth! Enjoy your youth now, but know that the icy finger of death is always, always just inches away from your tender skin. That’s … that’s the message in this nationally syndicated cartoon today, I guess?

Pluggers, 10/17/14

Oh, sure, laugh at this plugger dog-man taking his date to a fast food restaurant if you must, but at least he’s moved a step or two up the food chain!

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Blondie, 10/16/14

Amphetamine variants, across a socioeconomic scale running from meth to Adderall, are often used as productivity drugs: they focus the mind and, in the short term, make it easier for you to do work, especially work you don’t particularly want to do. By rejecting his friend’s offer of a little illicit worktime pick-me-up, Dag emphasizes his commitment to decadent leisure: as with food, his interest in drugs is entirely sensual, not utilitarian.

Spider-Man, 10/16/14

Last week Doc Ock skittered off from his penthouse lair to go enjoy the work of his earthquake machine … somewhere … else? “Somewhere else” turned out to be just straight-up chilling on his couch, presumably in a different lair, while his tentacles dangle forlornly, waiting for the artificial earthquake that never comes. Is he supposed to be watching TV? I bet he’s supposed to be watching TV. Everyone in this strip is always watching TV, all the time, and if there isn’t one there when you need it, it’ll just sort of appear, conveniently.

Marvin, 10/16/14

It’s pretty impressive that, in a strip whose punchline is that Marvin’s family is in such constant terror of his poops that everyone keeps careful track of his digestive velocity, the most unsettling part is actually his smug little smile in panel three. “That’s right, my bowel movements are so vile my own grandfather refuses to deal with them! Heh heh.”

Dennis the Menace, 10/16/14

The Mitchells have done the math and figured out that they can afford to meet their legal obligations as parents without interacting emotionally with their son at all! Look at them, smiling to themselves and not even making eye contact with him. Someone just found out what true menacing really is.

Archie, 10/16/14

Based on the sad, reverent way Jughead has doffed his cap, I’m going to assume that Archie died in the ring.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/15/14

GUYS! Remember how Margo’s mother used to be a fiery Latina/cringe-inducing ethnic stereotype but then sometime last year she became enWASPenated and also stopped dying her hair? Well, this wasn’t a continuity error, but rather a seed planted to set up a future storyline a mere twenty months later! QUICK RECAP OF MARGO’S FAMILY BACKSTORY: her wealthy dad Martin was married to Roberta, but knocked up Gabriella the maid, and then Roberta raised Margo as her own but obviously fell into a pit of seething resentment and went crazy, trying to kill Martin before being shipped off to a private loony bin upstate. Oh yeah, and at some point before that, Martin and Gabriella got back together, sexually. Reconnecting with her former wealthy employer is bringing up her deep-seated Ethnic Shame, I guess? Really looking forward to whatever kind of wacky My Fair Lady situation she’s gotten herself into. Will Martin have to fight her sinister deracinating svengali for her love?

Spider-Man, 10/15/14

Spider-Man could’ve have made sure this dangerous criminal was put back behind bars, but the guy did help him when their interests briefly aligned, so he’ll just settle for brutally knocking him unconscious! This is actually a step up from his usual complete failure to achieve anything, but it’s still a dick move on multiple fronts.

Wizard of Id, 10/15/14

Probably the best perk of being a syndicated newspaper comic is that if you get tremendously smug about coming up with a terrible bit of pun-esque wordplay, everyone gets to know about it.