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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/7/14

When Snuffy goes to play cards, we usually see aces sicking out of his hat or various other parts of his clothing, and I’ve always assumed that we aren’t supposed to take this literally — that is, these cards aren’t actually visible to the other characters; rather, it’s a symbolic tip-off to the reader that Snuffy is a swindler. I certainly hope that’s the case, anyway, because otherwise Snuffy is laughing in his best friend’s face about looming domestic discord, and not even hiding the very large and dishonest role he played in precipitating the crisis.

Dick Tracy, 8/7/14

Sure, Dick is on a mysterious island that’s only a day or so drive away from Neo-Chicago and may have been mysteriously sent back into the past, and that’s all totally realistic, but there’s an obvious plot hole here, which is: wouldn’t he have sent an email to his wife at some point? Well, she couldn’t get email because their ISP had a virus, OK? Problem: solved.

Gil Thorp, 8/7/14

Just last year Gil Thorp made a delightful return to its usual insane summer storylines with a tale of Gil’s creative collaboration with a senile pro wrestler, which makes this summer’s plot all the most depressingly banal by comparison. There’s a star quarterback who might be considering coming to Milford? That’s it, that’s literally it, and today, in what’s definitely a shocking twist, he falls down and twists his ankle while trying to fish his phone out of his pocket. Can you taste the thrills? Still, let it be a lesson to you: cargo jorts aren’t just hideous, they’re actively dangerous.

Herb and Jamaal, 8/7/14

Herb’s pal Ernie is trying to open up and give some real talk about tough time’s he’s having in his life! Herb replies with a mean, corny joke, because he’s terrified of intimacy, and is also kind of a dick.

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Mark Trail, 8/6/14

Wow, you guys, in a totally shocking development that nobody could’ve predicted, Chris Dyer is totally in on this rhino-poaching business! Anyway, it’s kind of sad that nobody in the poacher camp is calling Chris “Dirty.” If you can’t count on your drunk, loutish, hirsute criminal associates to use the ridiculous attempt at a badass nickname you’ve picked out for yourself, who can you count on?

Judge Parker, 8/6/14

Sam may be grossed out by Gloria’s emotions, but now that she’s revealed her intention to raise human livestock, his lips are parting in excitement! Whether her helpless victims are grown in pens and fed a diet of high-fat slurry before being cooked and served as a delicacy to a very wealthy and discrete clientele or we’re talking about a free-range Most Dangerous Game-type scenario, he wants in.

Pluggers, 8/6/14

Pluggers can no longer keep up with cultural change, and also all their friends are dying.

Family Circus, 8/6/14

Noooooo Jeffy, He can hear you, He will punish us with terrible, scorching heat for your blasphemy

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Beetle Bailey, 8/5/14

I went through a lot of emotional stages with this comic. First I was like, “Wow, Cookie has definitely been drawn by someone who holds the idea of tattoos in contempt but who has not actually seen a lot of tattoos.” Then I thought, “Wait, Jesus Christ, is Cookie naked underneath his apron? Are they having Cookie strut around nude in the mess hall, for no other reason than to make this stupid tattoo joke?” Then I noticed, “no, they’re in the barracks, which means that Cookie walks around with his apron and chef’s hat on while otherwise nude in the barracks, which is almost as weird if not weirder.” Anyway. The “cut here” tattoo? Pretty “edgy,” right? Eh? Eh? Kids today? And also it should probably be visible when he has his clothes on? Eh?

Judger Parker, 8/5/14

Aww, you guys, Sam’s longtime legal secretary Gloria is finally marrying the double amputee of her dreams! Of course, Sam isn’t just her boss — he’s her best friend, the person she’s closest to in the world, and she loves him! Sam’s frozen little smile in panel three is one of the best things I’ve ever seen. “Yes and you … are definitely someone I’ve worked with for … several years, the precise number of which I will have to look up, Gloria!”

Six Chix, 8/5/14

Wouldn’t most cow gossip revolve around who’s been killed and eaten lately? Maybe let’s talk about something more pleasant.