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Funky Winkerbean, 5/22/14

In case you forgot, the title of Les’s book about his dead wife Lisa dying of cancer is Lisa’s Story, which is a terrible boring title that conveys zero information about the book’s tone, genre, or content. At least with a book there’s a cover and a subtitle to draw in attention; as a movie title, Lisa’s Story would be wholly meaningless and an instant kiss of death. In other words, I’m looking forward to this Funky Winkerbean storyline about heroic marketing professionals in the entertainment industry doing their job to the best of their ability in the face of impossible odds.

Judge Parker, 5/22/14

I can’t remember if we ever got an origin story on these diamonds, but based on the players involved the best-case scenario is that Abbott purchased them from a legal, licensed dealer with the millions he made over the years from selling weapons to despotic governments, violent rebel militias, and terrorist fanatics. The worst-case scenario involves a private slave-worked mine in Sierra Leone given to him by a grateful warlord as a thank-you for a long and fruitful business relationship, and is probably best not dwelled upon. Anyway, just sit tight, Randy! Everything is going to be fine! … for you.

Spider-Man, 5/22/14

I’m intrigued by the statement “he can’t play Doctor Octopus anymore,” as it seems to imply that Octavius’s villainous identity was no more than a role, a character he was putting on, and now that his mechanical arms have been somehow detached from his body, he returns to his essential “real” self. Anyway, “Spider-Man fights bio-mechanical madman with super-strong metal arms” was obviously way too exciting for the newspaper Spider-Man narrative aesthetic, so let’s all settle in for “Spider-Man fights portly scientist with bowl haircut.”

Gasoline Alley, 5/22/14

“That’s right, and I won’t get to work in a mine until I’m 18, thanks to these job-killing, innovation-stifling government regulations!”

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Herb and Jamaal, 5/21/14

Or you could blame the way that, over the last 75 years or so and without anyone exactly intending it to happen, a set of institutions that had for centuries existed mainly as intellectual finishing schools and networking opportunities for the elite were transformed into producers of the credentials necessary for just about anyone to enter the modern economy, despite the lack of a fundamental transformation of how they work, with any number of unintended negative consequences (out-of-control student debt being at the top of the list). But, sure, use this as an opportunity to work out your frustrations about your dad, whatever.

Apartment 3-G, 5/21/14

It looks like one of Jack’s ex-thralls has wandered back onto the compound to make fun of his current victim! I also really hope Carol is kidding, though; they’ve been talking for at least five minutes, so clearly she should’ve figured out by now that Tommie’s incapable of feeling “love” or indeed any other emotion stronger than mild distress.

Slylock Fox, 5/21/14

5) Do whales engage in forbidden, perverted encounters with fish, despite the fact that cetaceans and fish are from completely different taxonomic classes with radically different reproductive cycles, and their superficial physical similarities are entirely the result of convergent evolution? Absolutely true!

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Beetle Bailey, 5/20/14

Could it be that Beetle Bailey is trying, in its own weird, aimless way, to come to terms with the increasingly mechanized nature of modern warfare, in which modern soldiers are being replaced by drones and other machinery? Does Corporal Yo’s non-functional Beetle-bot represent a yearning for the days when at least human exhaustion could put the brakes on endless, merciless war? Whatever the larger significance, I think we can all agree that the best part about this robot is that nobody’s attempting to have sex with it.

Hagar the Horrible, 5/20/14

Haha, it’s funny because this lady just washed the floors, and they’re about to be covered with the blood and viscera of everyone she’s ever known and loved!

Mary Worth, 5/20/14

GOD DAMN IT TOMMY YOU GOD DAMN SELL-OUT

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU CUT YOUR HAIR

AND WHERE DID YOU GET THAT STUPID SHIRT

FUCKING PATHETIC

“OH BUT I’M WEARING WHITE LIPSTICK, IT’S SUPER PUNK ROCK”

BULLSHIT, YOU’RE GOING TO WIPE IT OFF RIGHT BEFORE THE INTERVIEW AND YOU KNOW IT

I’M COMPLETELY DISGUSTED HERE