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Panel from Slylock Fox, 5/25/14

Let’s ignore, for the moment, that Count Weirdly has developed a functional, practical, and presumably quite marketable virtual reality device and is only using it to irritate Sly and Max. I think that the form he’s chosen for his holo-annoyance is quite revealing. Forget about random geographic inaccuracies; it’s more important that Slylock and Max have been thrust back to a world of pre-sapient animals, one where humans like Count Weirdly are still the dominant species. It would be as if we were suddenly confronted by specimens of Australopithecus africanus, Homo erectus, and Homo neanderthalensis: we would be far too unsettled at an encounter with our primitive ancestors, very much like us but at the same time separated by a vast intellectual gulf, to really spend much time griping that the native habitats of these various species were separated by thousands of miles and millions of years.

Perhaps Weirdly’s choice of holo-program reveals why his incredible invention has remained in his castle lab. If ultimately he can only imagine the animal species who dominate the outside world in terms of the primitive forms from his own childhood, then surely the idea of selling advanced technology to them must fill him with horror and contempt.

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/25/14

Speaking of primitive societies, Snuffy Smith is here to remind us that notions of romantic love are a luxury available only to the global elite. In most times and places, simple economic calculations are the primary factors in choosing a mate.

Panels from Beetle Bailey, 5/25/14

On Memorial Day weekend, the soldiers of Beetle Bailey finally achieve a tragic degree of self-awareness — just enough to understand their predicament as characters in an absurdist comic strip, but not enough to do anything about it.

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Dick Tracy, 5/24/14

About a year ago I wrote a review for Bookforum of a couple of books about political cartooning, including a profusely illustrated biography of Thomas Nast, and hey, do you know who Thomas Nast really disliked? The Irish! One of the interesting things about seeing Nast’s old cartoons is getting a look at a whole style of racial caricature that’s fallen more or less completely out of use, though the similarly Celtic Scot Tabby Angus seems to carry just a hint of it in his character design. Anyway, big thanks to today’s cartoon for familiarizing me with the term cailleach, which, according to Wikipedia, is an Irish or Scottish mythological being who is “a divine hag, a creatrix, and possibly an ancestral deity or deified ancestor.” Since this is Gravel Gertie we’re talking about, who gave birth to some terrifying nightmare-thing we still haven’t gotten a good look at, I’d say that’s a pretty good description.

Family Circus, 5/24/14

Daddy looks pleased with Dolly’s playtime plans. With her urge to force a diverse range of creatures into the uniform and soul-numbing world of white-collar work, she’s perfect for middle management! At least one Keane Kid isn’t going to keep moving back home well into their 30s.

Better Half, 5/24/14

It’s too bad that the Better Half is a one-panel cartoon, because if we had panel after panel of this poor cashier forcing pizza down his gullet, chewing with grim determination, because he’s not hungry, but Stanley got the diet pizza, and a job is a job, and the two of them stare at each other in blank, expressionless silence, then I’d be an extremely happy guy.

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Hello all, hope you are about to embark on a fine Memorial Day Weekend, if you live in America. Let me very briefly point out to you that if you are going to be in Baltimore next Wednesday you could do worse than see me perform my beloved character “Gary the Emotionally Fragile Substitute Yoga Instructor”, at Chucklestorm! Please come and enjoy!

And now, your comment of the week!

“I’m just taking a moment to enjoy the confused look on the faces of the vikings holding the now-superfluous battering ram. ‘Uh, so do we, uh … I mean, what do we do here? Do we still run headlong into the door, or…?'” –Joe Blevins

And your very funny runners up!

“Actually, it really is surprisingly depressing to see Pluggers quote ‘Fake Plastic Trees’. NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE RADIOHEAD, YOU BASTARDS. GO BACK TO HANK JR. YOU CHOSE THIS PATH, NOW WALK IT.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Cherry should have known better than to leave ‘the talk’ to Mark.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“It’s black and white. But it’s always called Le Chat Bleu, because if there’s one thing that doesn’t make you look like a pretentious douche, it’s naming the personification of your mental state in French.” –Horace Broon

“Wait, I thought the talking cat represented death, or maybe just cancer-death? I dunno, this is Funky Winkerbean, I guess it can be two things, as long as one of the things is cancer.” –Dan

“I was going to say here that Tommy could use the prison experience to his benefit by explaining that his assigned duties were janitorial and that he is very familiar with the instruments of dirt removal and has kept abreast of the latest developments in cleaning technology in the trade periodicals. But look at what a shit-ass job he’s doing in his own flashback. It’s like he’s never seen a goddamned mop before. Don’t have that flashback in front of Jerry, or the gig is gone.” –hogenmogen

“A ‘guilt trip’, dear? I wouldn’t call it that but I can see how you would. Would you like a salmon square? Oh, that’s right. It reminds you of things you are suppressing. Grey, garish things.” –tallyHO

“Last year’s county fair a had a pretty lackluster freak show tent, so Jack is really hoping that the twin calves are conjoined. To be honest, we’re all hoping.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I really hope you’re kidding, Carol. Jack has made it clear that I am not to fall in love with him until I’ve mucked out the stables 35 times. Only 15 more to go, and then I can—Oops! Look at the time! Jack allows me one potty break at 10:00, and it’s 9:58. Gotta run!” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“Oooh, I wonder how they’re going to stage a catfight without anybody touching or making eye contact.” –TheDiva

“‘Dr. Octopus sure is a pussycat lately.’ ‘Yeah, as it turns out, the most dangerous thing about him were those powerful metal tentacles attached to his torso that he could control with his mind.'” –pugfuggly

“I hope this strip continues to gradually de-power its characters one-by-one until it’s finally through being a silly affair about an insecure, petulant, ineffectual superhero self-contradictingly titled The Amazing Spider-Man and becomes a poignant and brooding character study simply called Man.'” –Perfesser Wut

“I’m intrigued by the implication that ‘lately’, while still in prison, Dr. Octopus had been allowed to keep his metal tentacles. ‘Remember two weeks ago before they took them away? I’m still hosing the blood out of the guard’s breakroom in cellblock D. I guess that’s one way to bust a union.'” –David Schraub

“I am 99% sure that there is nothing in the Declaration of Independence that could be construed as a commentary on workplace safety issues, at least not by conventional standards of jurisprudence. In fact, I had thought that it was one of the few things that anti-regulation Tea Partiers and abortion-crazed liberal Obamaites revered in common. Although I suppose that none of that will matter in ten seconds, after school bus 110 has tragically crashed in the forest while going 95 miles per hour, while some bunnies watch in shock and horror as the grisly carnage unfolds before their adorable eyes.” — Chad Sexington

“If the new boss actually has to say ‘we don’t abuse each other,’ you know something really bad went down with your predecessor, probably involving cops and lots and lots of lawyers.” –BigTed

“Hangovers are a great way to celebrate a dry, hot climate — you can synchronize your pounding headaches with the relentless noontime sun.” –made of wince

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