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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/11/14

Usually when Snuffy Smith makes a joke about “th’ economy” they at least take a stab at putting “haw haw our community is very far outside the economic mainstream” at the center of the joke. This one mostly seems like an “old hillbillies say the darndest things when they misconstrue extremely common English-language idioms” gag which is pretty weak. It’s not helping that Lukey is shouting the punchline at us at the top of his lungs for no reason in panel two. “I said, I never heard it leave!! Get it? Get it? Eh? I’m being deliberately obtuse, for laughs?”

Zits, 1/11/14

Sorry, Connie: Jeremy and Sara’s cyber-child is all too real. Everything you’ve feared about the future is true: your son and his fellow teens are abandoning the messy process of biological reproduction, along with its ancillary behavior patters like sex, love, and pair-bonding, and are instead building a gleaming android race that will replace us. While the transition will be painful — literally, in the case of outmoded biological lifeforms that resist the Great Cleansing — our heirs will live in a better world than this one, assuming you expand your definition of “living.”

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As most of frigid North America warms up to just irritatingly gross typical winter weather, let’s heat things up with this comment of the week!

“There is about 450 times more passion in today’s Garfield than in Luann. ‘Oh, Quill, your blandness is perfectly acceptable.’ ‘Yes, Luann, you also apparently exist.'” –aphthakid

And the always hilarious runners up!

“Get down on your knees when the surgeon enters the room?’ I know I have a bad insurance plan but at least I get to pay for treatment in money.” –theironjef

“The multiple, seemingly actually redrawn Stanleys staring blankly up at a parade of doctors and nurses look like they’re going for the record of ‘Shittiest Six Differences Ever.'” –Windier E. Megatons

“Remember how we were all, ‘Gosh, this strip is called Funky Winkerbean but it’s all about mopey old Les. Sure wish it would go back to being about good ol’ smilin’ Funky’? Beware the monkey’s paw, people. The next wish will bring cancer.” –Esther Blodgett

“Well, things have changed in the past quarter century! For instance, the addition of handles on mugs, which allows me to enjoy this steaming hot cup of coffee without burning my tender digits. I sometimes forget about this amazing invention, as evidenced by my panel one holding of the mug in a way that causes searing pain and discomfort. Well, off to my job as someone who has the make the best judgement calls for the well-being of hundreds of people!” –Irrischano

“Everything is falling into place! Tommie should be on the left, I should be on the … wait, let’s put Tommie on the right, then I’ll go on the left … That’s my left, wait, I can’t be on the left of my left. Tommie, you… Whatev. Lu Ann is in the middle.” –Hogenmogen

“It’s funny because Crankshaft takes a peculiar delight in destroying life.” –TheDiva

“Everyone is quick to assume that ‘Massacre’ is some kind of chemical. I’m holding onto hope that Massacre is actually a masked-wrestler-for-hire who really hates weeds.” –survivor

“Like most right-thinking people, I often amuse myself by interpreting Jeff’s conversation as comprising little but bitingly sarcastic replies to what he quite justifiably perceives as the stupidest collection of utterances ever made by anyone, but you know, some days they just take the sport right out of it.” –Violet

“We never say ‘die’, we only say ‘sent to the Shadow Realm’ or ‘I can see their parachutes.'” –Chyron HR

“Santa Royale is the city that goes to bed right after NCIS, is unaware that The Today Show has a third hour since they have a little snooze around that time, and then takes a nap right after the noon news that lasts until Jeopardy! No wonder Mary is confounded by a place where you can get a roast beef sandwich, porno, and a pear at 3 a.m.” –Lily Sincere

“You know, they call Santa Royale ‘the city that gets a sensible eight hours of sleep every night’. Do you suppose it’s because the mattresses aren’t infested with bedbugs?” –Steve

“So will seedy guide dude forever bear the impression of plucky reporter gal’s ring on his jaw? Of course, a reverse impression of ‘Bryn Mawr’ isn’t that intimidating, but it does sound like it might be Bandar for something.” –cheech wizard

“Remembering back to her days as a spy in the Underground in Nazi Germany, Mary instinctively eats the evidence that proves her guilt.” –Baka Gaijin

“I think Mary is trying that old movie trick of altering her voice on the phone by talking through a piece of cloth. Does it work? Does it even make sense, given that she’s in the middle of a conversation with someone who already knows who she is? No, she’s just trying to amuse herself, insanely bored with talking to Dr. Jeff, ha ha.” –Doctor Mabuse

Spider-Man: “If — let’s say, hypothetically — I were attacked by a giant condom made out of iron, I don’t think I’d be throwing around words like ‘cocky.’ I’m just saying.” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

“What the hell did Mark THINK the scary noise was, that he’d be like, ‘Oh, cool, it’s just a huge bear. I was worried for a second.'” –Doctor Handsome

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Mark Trail, 1/10/14

You guys. You guys. This is amazing. Before he was defeated in combat by Mark Trail, Jeff buried the precious Indian artifacts he stole outside the cabin, and is now refusing to tell Mark where they’re hidden. They’ll be lost forever, right? Oh, but wait. Remember this completely delightful panel from last month?

Well, guess what: by dropping that jar of homemade syrup into the artifact-basket, Jared inadvertently made this stolen haul irresistible to bears. This is one of the greatest delayed payoffs in Mark Trail history. Soon the artifacts will be back in their rightful place, in the museum Mr. Dunlap intended to donate them to, and only slightly worse for wear for being covered in rancid syrup and torn to bits by the claws of a hungry bear.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/10/14

I have been remiss in pointing out that 2014 has brought a new artist to Rex Morgan, M.D. Graham Nolan, who is getting a nice tribute in cereal form here, has handed duties off to Terry Beatty, who succeeded Nolan on the Sunday Phantom a while ago. Check out Beatty’s blog for more on his process — it’s pretty interesting!

The new artist is using his own style without really changing any of the character designs that much. I’m glad, for instance, that Sarah remains weird little gnome-person. I’m pretty in love with her facial expression in panel three here, as it seems appropriate for someone who really wanted to rat out her baby-sitter but eventually agreed not to in exchange for a cookie bribe, but now her mother’s asking her a direct question and you can’t lie to your mother, can you? So she’ll just have to tell on Kelly, even though she already ate the cookies! It’s like Christmas never ended!

Apartment 3-G, 1/10/14

Three cheers for Apartment 3-G for remembering Lu Ann’s tragic artist/drug addict/drug dealer boyfriend Alan, who got shot and killed, over drugs. You may wish to peruse my archive to catch up on the Alan plotline in all its glory, but at minimum you should Never Forget the following high points: Jones the beatnik drug dealer, “Wow. This dope is super — I feel great!”, “This better work. I just spent most of my paycheck on drugs!”, “And, face it, getting high is all I care about”, and “I’ll calm down when I get some drugs!! Please! I hurt so bad!!”.

Mary Worth, 1/10/14

“Still, Santa Royale is such a stuffy, hidebound place. It’s the sort of town where people frown on you just because you use an area rug as a napkin! New York is so liberating, where I can be exactly who I want to be, with no limits!”

Heathcliff, 1/10/14

Meanwhile, Heathcliff’s demands to be worshiped as a terrible God-King continue unabated.