Post Content

Crock, 1/24/14

Ha ha, the joke is that they’re using “database” as a double-entendre to refer to a sexy part of a lady’s body! This is the sort of joke that would be funny to someone wholly unfamiliar with computers and only passingly familiar with sex. What’s really of interest to me here, though, are the weird black squares floating around our sassy legionnaire’s head in panel two? What are these mysterious, featureless intrusions into ordinary reality? My guess is that computer expert Billie Jean has long ago subsumed all of human existence into a vast computer simulation that she can watch and control like a god. Those blocks are a brief glitch in the Matrix. Her erstwhile paramour and his comrade, their bio-existence snuffed out uncountable digital eons ago, now endlessly replay this scene for Billie Jean’s amusement.

Herb and Jamaal, 1/24/14

“Ha ha ha, just kidding, I’m exaggerating because of how much time I spend on my cell phone! But seriously, I need something to help me take the edge off a little, if you know what I mean. Drugs. I’m talking about drugs. SELL ME DRUGS, HERB”

Mary Worth, 1/24/14

“Also, I had sex with Broadway legend Ken Kensington seven times! Well, one of those times we just did oral. It was a little too exciting, if you know what I mean. That’s why I came back to you and Santa Royale!”

Funky Winkerbean, 1/24/14

THE FUNKY WINKERBEAN MISSON STATEMENT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

Post Content

Spider-Man, 1/23/14

Say what you will about this battle between the Amazing Spider-Man and a nefarious supervillain one of Iron Man’s obsolete and jury rigged armor suits controlled by a nefarious supervillain a local publishing magnate with the stakes being Spider-Man’s very life Spider-Man’s secret identity, but at least it represents recognizably superheroic activity, it’s lasted three weeks at this point, and Peter Parker hasn’t paused once to watch TV at any time during the process. But now it looks like 2014’s quota for action and excitement has all been used up, so Man-Bot is going to crash into that van in the most hilariously half-assedly drawn panel this strip has seen to date. Is Man-Bot suddenly as long as a van, even though previously it’s been shown as not much taller than an ordinary person? Is the metal of the van’s wall peeling outward, even though Man-Bot is punching through from the outside? Yes and yes, because why not and who cares!

Family Circus, 1/23/14

Oh, dear, it appears that Jeffy is really just asking for a good smiting from the creator God, is he not? Perhaps his family will be killed and he’ll be afflicted with boils and then God will serve up a long Book of Job style poem about how Jeffy doesn’t really know crap about creating a universe, hopefully with an sidebar about what lousy parents ostriches are. Maybe He’ll go with the ironic Twilight Zone method of enlightenment, eliminating all clouds (and therefore rain) from the Earth’s sky until everyone dies of thirst. Or maybe He’ll be more New Testament gentle, and just send an angel to patiently explain to Jeffy that without those clouds he would’ve blinded himself by pointing his telescope directly at the sun, what with it being in the middle of the day and all.

Phantom, 1/23/14

Hey, remember that time in 2005 when a blonde lady discovered the Skull Cave and then the Phantom erased her mind with mind-erasing drugs? Long story short, the Phantom is going to erase this lady’s mind with mind-erasing drugs.

Post Content

Archie, 1/22/14

The Olympics are only few short weeks away, and the syndicated newspaper comics are here to drum up excitement! Just think, when you’re watching the world’s greatest athletes cross-country skiing their way to glory … over many hours … wait, does anyone watch cross-country skiing? Sounds boring. Almost as boring as shoveling. Should shoveling be a Winter Olympic event? Anyway, Jughead doesn’t like manual labor, ha ha!

Heathcliff, 1/22/14

You know what’s not boring? The newer extreeeeeeme Olympic sports, like the snowboarding half-pipe and such! Check out Heathcliff, who’s pushing the envelope of radical by using a fish as his board, just like he uses a fish as equipment for all sports! For some reason! HEATHCLIFF! EXTREEEEEEMEEEE

Momma, 1/22/14

Meanwhile, Francis is trying to kill his heavyset friend? I guess? Not sure what other interpretation to go with here. I do think it’s convenient for everyone to be carrying boxes labelled SKATES to let us know that this is a skating-themed joke (about trying to kill your friend), as otherwise I’d have had an even harder time with it.