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Archie, 9/28/13

“You’re the governor. And the governor belongs in the governor’s house. Or, as most people call it, the governor’s ‘mansion.’ I mean, it’s a pretty big place. Why undersell it? It’s also in Albany, which, I can’t emphasize enough, is hundreds of miles and several hours of driving away from New York City, which is where this strip ostensibly takes place. So probably you couldn’t get there tonight anyway. So why not stay here, sure, whatever, fine, I guess. Don’t you have a girlfriend? No, never mind, I don’t want to know.”

Blondie, 9/28/13

“And by ‘all of the sudden’ I mean ‘for the entire time this strip’s been around, even though I’m really only noticing it now.’ Jesus, are those antenna? Are you even human?”

Archie, 9/28/13

Pop’s outdoor cafe strategy includes some serious fire safety code violations

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Good Friday, all! Are you ready to enjoy today’s comment of the week?

“Mary, I don’t know how to tell you this but … the ratio has finally flipped. I am now more sandwich than man. My organs are naught but lunch meat and lettuce, my blood is mustard. The doctors give me a week until I start digesting myself from the inside out. It’s … it’s everything I ever wanted, Mary. I’m so happy, Mary.” –Tophat

And the runners up! Verrrry amusing.

“Okay, I’m pretty sure that by the end of 2014, every Marvin strip is simply going to consist of the word ‘PISS’ in gigantic letters. Daubed in faeces.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“When you have a constantly-shifting skull structure kneading your brain like bread dough twenty-four hours a day, you’re gonna end up with some brain trauma. I imagine you can hear it when you stand next to one of them. ‘He’s gone, (squittcchh) Zoey — (glurrkk) Just (schplutt) gone (bluttcchh)!'” –Joe Btfsplk

“Why does the phone ring whenever I’m about to eat in order to build up my energy to get down with my dark-as-ebony-yet-paradoxically-radiantly-glowing phallus that I also keep charged and ready on the kitchen counter?” –Cra_Mastercra

“This is a theme restaurant where the theme is low-key hostility.” –Joe Blevins

“Mark, alone in his room, talks to himself out loud, explaining the obvious. Fortunately the phone rings before he has to ask himself to repeat that more slowly, since he didn’t quite follow himself the first time.” –Shrug, Earlyish for Once

“I think we can decisively conclude that the true cause of Marty’s dad’s brain tumor is his puny human mind struggling to process the insane, non-Euclidian geometry of a world where someone dramatically turns away from the person they’re talking to, only to see that person standing, in the same pose, right in the middle of their new field of vision.” –The Ben

“Mary, there’s something I have to tell you. I have cancer of the sandwich-gizzard —- wait, let me start over! There’s two things I have to tell you. First, Mary, I have a sandwich-gizzard.” –Perky Bird

“I’ve been trying to figure out which DC restaurant this is, and I finally got it: 1962.” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“Does anyone think that the one swirling piece of debris above his head in panel two looks more like a slice of pizza in the far background? No real joke here, I’m just imagining a beautiful world of pizza-nadoes.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Like many a woodland spirit, Mark cannot resist the mercurial impulses that characterize faerie nature and apparates behind the very mortal who moments ago offered him aid, yanking the chair out from under her. ‘And should the senator fail my woodsy clime, / Thy firstborn son shall e’er be mine.'” –David Lynch’s Pompadour

“Their eyes met, and in a flash they understood each other. ‘Well, Dad could use a vacation,’ the blond said, mischief sparkling in her dark eyes. ‘Maybe I can talk him into going there!’ Her eyelashes fluttered like dying butterflies. Mark raised his cup to hide a smile. ‘Good idea, Anne Marie,’ he said in a low voice. ‘He used to enjoy hunting. I can arrange for a hunt that area.’ He could see it now, the old man panting through the woods as Mark sighted down the barrel. One shot, and the woods would take care of the rest. Anne Marie would have her inheritance, Mark would get the oil money. Then they’d go their seperate ways. What could go wrong?” –Voshkod

“I asked my editor to just give me my job back when I got home, but apparently newspapers are pretty much run like Thunderdome these days. Two guys in the lobby were having a knife fight to see who gets to run the city desk.” –Dan

“Neddy’s frustrated plea for a Hellfire missile fired into a densely populated urban area in the developing world as the best way to solve a problem that may or may not be just a scam enabled by her own naivete and badly applied high technology offers yet another reason why I maintain that Judge Parker is the best social commentary on the comics pages today. F. Scott Fitzgerald only wished he could develop characters like this.” –Master Softheart

“I like Leroy’s Pulp Fiction suit. Wearing a costume from a good movie when your wife drags you a bad one is much subtler than his usual schtick.” –Doctor Handsome

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Lockhorns, 9/27/13

This isn’t the first time that Loretta and Leroy have gone to see one of the Twilight films, but it’s always jarring and delightful when a smidgen of contemporary pop culture forces its way into the Lockhorns’ eternal 1962, isn’t it? I am also 100% in love with the fake Twilight poster hanging up at the Lockhorns’ local cinema. It reimagines Robert Pattinson’s dull, pasty visage as the brooding face of a proper Weimar-era expressionist vampire. And the graphic design! Doesn’t the striking image of the undead fiend’s face floating over the single word “TWILIGHT” have a million times more impact than, say, this piece of overbusy airbrushed garbage? Kudos, Lockhorns, for daring to imagine a better world than ours.

Mary Worth, 9/27/13

“The specific reason is that I have no friends and no life and writing advice to people desperate enough to send me letters is literally the only thing that gives my existence the barest shred of meaning! Uh, I guess I sort of covered that earlier, but that’s the much more specific version.”

Family Circus, 9/27/13

“I mean, he’s a competent adult and he could just learn how to cook properly, but I guess he figures that if he does, that’ll undermine the whole patriarchal structure that gives him power. So, your parents abandoned you at the world’s dullest mall kiosk too, huh?”

Shoe, 9/27/13

Huh, had it been established in this strip that the Perfesser’s mother is still alive? I guess it never hurts to introduce a new character in order to set up a hilarious joke! In this case, the joke is that an old man dropped dead during a social event for senior citizens, which probably cast a real pall over the rest of the evening.

Archie, 9/27/13

Meanwhile, the streets of Riverdale are haunted by roving packs of vicious feral dogs.