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Spider-Man, 11/3/13

Good news, everybody! The Tarantula and Spider-Man defeated El Condor, and the Tarantula was all about restoring democracy to Costa Verde and holding free and fair elections, but then like forty guys who showed up in the capital to watch El Condor’s arrest shouted that Tarantula should lead them, so now he’s going by “Mr. Presidente” and striking a Jesus Christ pose in front of his fanatical followers. ¡Viva la revolución! Anyway, Spidey, having encouraged Tarantula’s coup, is now enjoying some of its sweet, sweet material benefits. “Whoa whoa whoa, I get to fly on a plane while lying on a couch? This is amaaazing!”

Crock, 11/3/13

Speaking of violent revolution, years of privation and failed leadership have finally broken down military discipline in the Lost Patrol. The angry men plan to lynch their leader, only to be killed themselves by a stratagem of the brutal commander they hate so much. It’s OK, though, because this bloody conflict has been given the cute name “grumble time!” Ha ha, those kooky grumbling starving murderous legionnaires!

Panels from Hi and Lois, 11/3/13

I’m not sure what I love more about today’s Hi and Lois throwaway panels: that Chip (estimated birth date: 1997) is waxing nostalgic to his little sister about the cocaine-fueled glory days of the ’70s New York disco scene, or that Dot, sullen and angry at having been confronted by an unfamiliar cultural reference, calls him “chip dip” in her head. I for one will be responding to things I don’t understand with “Whatever that means, chip dip” from now on.

Luann, 11/3/13

“So I’m available? Over here? Eh? Eh? Available for sex? Eh?”

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Marvin, 11/2/13

None of us ever asked for any kind of psychological depth to the awful title character of this terrible strip, but here we have it anyway: Marvin compulsively poops constantly because he’s a desperate baby wipe huffer and is too dumb to realize he can just pull the wipes out and breathe in their sweet, addictive fumes directly. Look at how smug he is announcing his chemical dependency and its effect on his gastrointestinal life! The first step is admitting you have a problem, Marvin.

Momma, 11/2/13

Considering that Momma is sitting less than three feet away from MaryLou, I think we have to assume that she’s so angry and agitated all the time because she’s can’t hear anything but is too proud to admit she needs hearing aids. Just imagine that everything she ever says isn’t in response to what people are saying to her (which she can’t hear) but what she imagines they’re saying to her, which is of course something terribly negative. It explains a lot!

Heathcliff, 11/2/13

I originally read that sign as “Beware of Dying,” and I think we can all agree that this would be a lot funnier if that was what it actually said.

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Hello all! Just a brief note that if you will be in the Baltimore area in November you will have not one but two opportunities to see me do standup comedy! Here are the details (links to Facebook events, you should be able to see the info at least even if you are not a Facebook user):

• On Monday, November 4 (that’s this coming Monday!) I’ll be doing in a group show that’s part of the Charm City Fringe Fest. It’s a group of very funny Baltimore comedians organized and hosted by the great Stavros Halkias. The show is free, and is a great excuse to drink booze and eat the best pizza in Baltimore (no lie) on a Monday. Doors at 8:30, show starts around 9.
• On Saturday, November 16, I’ll be in a show organized by the great Michele Wojo at Sully’s Comedy Cellar in Parkville. There’ll be both improv and standup for your amusement! Tickets are $15 and you can reserve yours online. Show’s at 8:30. This is a clean show, so feel free to bring anyone who hates swear words. (The November 4 show will literally consist of nothing but jokes about genitalia.)

And now, your comment of the week!

“A year is about how long it will take for the Dawn-Wants-To-Express-Herself and Tommie-Tries-Not-To-Be-Boring twerking storylines to appear in Mary Worth and Apartment 3G — two years for Jack Elrod to figure out a wilderness/environmental angle on the subject — three years for the word ‘TWERK’ to inexplicably appear on someone’s t-shirt in a ’90s Archie. (Anyone who remembers the Frank McLaughlin era will recall that Gil Thorp was once nothing but twerking.)” –David Lynch’s Pompadour

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I’m sure Heathcliff used to make some kind of intuitive sense.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“My favorite aspect of this strip is the shrunken, boxy-looking extra who hobbles through the scene in the last panel in order to remind us what ‘regular people’ actually look like. ‘Don’t mind me, girlies. I’m just trying to get back to my table before my brisket gets cold. These cruises … so expensive, am I right? You go on with your little scene. Now where has Harold gone? Harold, that’s my husband, you see. He’s wandered off somewhere. HAROLD! Oh, I’m sorry, missy. I didn’t see you were on the phone there.'” –Joe Blevins

“Mark is awfully nonchalant about the fact that his little scam has misfired and resulted in the death of one of its targets. Especially since he still doesn’t know what nefarious secret they were trying to hide. Maybe Johnny and the Senator are lovers? Maybe they were working a long con, trying to actually save the wilderness by going undercover? Eh, he’s dead now, so I guess it doesn’t matter. Now how about some pancakes!? Speaking of pancakes, you should see how flat those corpses at the bottom of the mountain are!” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Hmm, one student riddled with anxiety having a nervous breakdown, another student content to have bubble gum slopping up his face. I think its time we re-examined the No Child Left Behind Act and possibly amend it to the Okay, Lets Be Realistic Act.” –Chareth Cutestory

“To be fair, illiterate pluggers are unaware that this is not actually how you read books.” –Guillaume de Machaut

“Using the flower petals for scale, I’d guess that bee is about four inches long. Sting Jeffy, mutant Terror Bee! He’s right there!” –Duke of Earl Grey

“A sign that just says ‘Halloween’ and not ‘Happy Halloween’ is probably a big seller in the Funkyverse.” –nescio

“‘How does a father tell his daughter that the man she loves is no good?’ ‘Oh, Dad, all I have to do is look at your voting record … oh, did you mean Johnny?'” –Christopher

“This must be set before Martha Stewart got all crafty, or else once she got out of stir. Albert Brooks is really in for it this time.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“I do believe ‘Oh, Great!’ is the accepted universal response to hearing that Rex Morgan and his wife are coming to dinner.” –Digger

“No-one realizes that Apple Mary is still running the streets (how else does she afford Charterstone and all her victory tours?) Now, she’s known as ‘the Artful Codger.'” –Maltmasher

“The Adventures of Inkwell Trying To Figure Out If Toni’s Brother is Supposed To Be Unsympathetic Or Not continue! They’ve been dull.” –Inkwell

“Meanwhile, back in Riverdale, for the crime of proclaiming himself #1 and placing himself over our Dear Leader, Moose is led away by the secret police.” –Voshkod

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertiser, who has sponsored the mobile version of the site this week:

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