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Judge Parker, 8/3/13

I have to admit I’m having a hard time getting a read on Judge Parker Senior’s expression in panel two, as he realizes that the concierge at the cruise ship’s business center isn’t just someone who passed some very basic training courses on using Microsoft Word and rebooting the Wi-Fi router, but is actually a gifted screenwriter who is ready to do all the work of adapting his novel for him. Is he having a Sarah Morgan-style epiphany about the emptiness of a life where everything is just handed to him? Or is it more a case of “Yeeeessss, labor is being done for me, as is my due”?

Mark Trail, 8/3/13

See, this is just more proof that Mark is a class act all the way. Sure, he might be forced by circumstances and your own villainy to knock you unconscious by kicking you in the face, but once you’re out he’ll be sure to gently lay your head on a cushy pillow of otter pelts. Or is that a cushy pillow of chilled otter carcasses? Either way, he’s nice, and isn’t afraid of a dead otter.

Better Half, 8/3/13

Harriet is trying to get Stanley riled up for sex, and since this is the Better Half she’s doing it in a really weird and gross way.

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Your comment of the week is here! Isn’t it exciting!

“That’s a pretty sophisticated navigation of verb tenses for a Keane. I’m just sayin’.” –Damian

And the runners up! Very hilarious!

“I’m digging the doorbell on Reeky’s cot-sized house.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

MW: “The only possible relief in sight to this non-stop blither would be for Mary and June to trip over a pile of bones out in the desert, and for June to say, ‘Oh Mary! I told you I was unhappy because I lost my husband, but look — here he is! Yep, that’s him, all right. I’d know that tibia anywhere. Well, he’s not lost any more, so now I’m OK. Thanks, Mary. Bye!'” –seismic-2

“In the first panel, Perfesser is saying ‘Yeah’ during breaks in the conversation, in order to maintain the fiction that some kind of meaningful human interaction is taking place. By the second panel, he’s even given up on that, because he’s dead.” –Nekrotzar

“The true selling point of this comic is the angry child’s reaction. ‘Flying magic wee-wee pads? Damn, I wish I could urinate in public like dogs. Then I could fly too. Wait … what’s stopping me?’ We can be grateful Heathcliff isn’t a multi-panel strip.” –Christopher

“Notice that the caption of this particular cartoon does not even end with an exclamation point. If any situation called for an exclamation point, it’s this one.” –Joe Blevins

“There’s no better place to appreciate bean bags of any size than in a dedicated bean bag room, bereft of any other furniture, decorations or other non-bean-stuffed distractions. Speaking of which: Archie, grab a bean bag or get the fuck out.” –pugfuggly

“Remember when everyone wore Beanie Babies on their head? Yeah, neither do I.” –Dood

“Pop quiz: Which of these two women is the tallest? If you guessed Mary, then I’m sorry — see panel 2. If you guessed That Other Woman, then I’m sorry — see panel 1. The correct answer is that it depends on the position and movement of the women relative to the observer. (Note, accordingly, that That Other Woman is in the process of approaching the speed of light.)” –vewatkin

“Marvin’s dad in that last panel is just … just mellowin’ with the trees, ya dig? No problem with the baby, man. You can keep him! You can — can pick up all the chicks! You just let me have a little more of your fantastic weeeeeed.” –Black Drazon

“Spider-Man/ Spider-Man/ Ugly American Spider-Man/ Can he speak/ Your native tongue?/ No he can’t/ Cuz he’s too dumb. Look out! He is the Spider-Man.” –Bunivasal

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Heathcliff, 8/2/13

People, I have been terribly remiss in not informing you about an amazing live performance that you can see if you live in or near Baltimore! It is a water ballet based on Moby Dick, and it is being put on by Fluid Movement, the wacky Baltimore performance art troupe that I am occasionally affiliated with. I’m not in the show this year, but my lovely wife is, and I’ve seen the performance and it’s fantastic. There are shows at 5 and 7 p.m. this coming Saturday and Sunday nights at Baltimore’s Patterson Park pool. Behold the amazing poster!

You can buy tickets here and find out more information here and maybe see/say hi to me because I’ll be volunteering in some capacity. I can’t believe it has taken a Heathcliff cartoon to prod me into promoting it here! For real, though, I’ve known people who have performed in peg legs and Heathcliff’s is pretty hardcore. Based on the leg we can see, it’s clearly not something hollow that he’s stuffing his leg into. Is he walking about with his leg uncomfortably strapped behind his back? Or did he actually amputate his leg, just to pull off a flawless sight gag that barely impresses our fish merchant? He might’ve. Heathcliff doesn’t do things by half measures. Heathcliff keeps it real.

Apartment 3-G, 8/2/13

Hey, remember when this Apartment 3-G plot was going to be about the psychological trauma that combat vets face when they return to civilian life, and that could’ve been timely and important but they could have also screwed it up pretty badly? Well, now it’s about brain tumors. Can’t go wrong with brain tumors, right?

Mark Trail, 8/2/13

I am of course duty-bound by my Comics Summarizer’s Oath to let you know when violence breaks out in Mark Trail, so here you go! We all know Mark traditionally wears pants that are too short, which becomes pretty obvious when he kicks someone, but instead of wearing khaki socks like usual today he’s just showing off his sexy bare ankles, the tease.

Spider-Man, 8/2/13

Ever since Spidey’s daring/cowardly escape from his plane, much of his time in Costa Verde has been taken up by him loudly remarking to nobody in particular that he doesn’t speak the local language. This will definitely make him beloved when he meets up with his allies! There’s nothing Latin American revolutionaries like more than being shouted at in English.

Wizard of Id, 8/2/13

I guess the Wizard of Id takes place in some pseudo-medieval era when even the basics of rudimentary statescraft were poorly understood, but still: ethics and accounting are not the same thing, guys!