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Mark Trail, 8/7/13

The cruelty of Nature is well documented, but the cruelty of Mark Trail, Man of Nature, retains its power to shock. Blissed-out Rusty nurses his otter and dreams of fishing, but mere days from now he will have neither otter, nor fishing, nor any last shred of hope. Mark just twists the knife, while Andy’s mind is all on dinner. Say — maybe they’ll have fish!

Beetle Bailey, 8/7/13

In the grip of his alcoholic hallucinations, General Halftrack misinterprets Lieutenant Fuzz’s invitation to Where the Wild Things Are costume sexplay. Lt. Fuzz takes it as a rebuff and retires to his quarters for another long night of Patton, tears, and self-abuse.

9 Chickweed Lane (panel), 8/7/13

OK, I take back all the terrible things I said about the Not-Ardins’ mouths yesterday.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/7/13

Heather’s hissy fit reminds Rex what June has in store for him when he gets home. Four months wasted figuring out Milton’s vomiting might be something he ate, and no boat or free meal in it for them anywhere? And now he’s supposed to look into the Alzheimer’s thing, too? These wealthy, entitled jerks! Why, if Milton weren’t his only patient ….

Shoe, 8/7/13

Well OK on the face of it this is one of those “reverse-engineered from the punchline” jokiform utterances we see so often in Shoe, Archie, and Herb and Jamaal. A real-life bird-woman would say, “I surprised my husband in fishnet stockings”, but where are you gonna go with that when you’re on deadline and that tee-time is coming up fast, huh?

But on a deeper level, blondie here is being really unfair — I mean, sometimes a fella just wants to feel pretty, and pantyhose is gross in August and it’s not like I didn’t double-check to see what time you were coming back. Wait — HE! He didn’t check!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Edge City, 8/6/13

Oh hey it’s Edna and Morris Not-Ardin, off to visit America’s battlefields in their new RV. I hope they have fun and all, but what is the deal with this guy’s face? Has he got two mouths? An extra ear, with teeth? Is he some kind of weird Mr. Magoo/Popeye hybrid? Is that an enormous chaw of Mail Pouch parked in what just might be his cheek? For me, his image keeps flipping back and forth like one of those ambiguous figures from Psych 101:

Edna lets it all pass. She’s got her own problems, coping with the oral aftermath of her horrific trombone accident.

Hi and Lois, 8/6/13

And then one day, Hi Flagston just gave up. “Fetch me the gin, Lois.”

Apartment 3-G, 8/6/13

Margo snuffs out an alarming flicker of empathy as she spins around the room.

Judge Parker, 8/6/13

I only read Judge Parker for the articles, but here’s some eye candy — and a challenge — for the oglers in the audience. The challenge is this: do oglers of pretty comic-strip women ogle other representations of pretty women, such as mannequins? If so, would they ogle drawings of mannequins, such as those presented in panel one? Are features like heads and knees essential to this exercise? And how far does it go, the ogling: would it extend to a photo in a cartoon of a sketch of the shadow of a statue of a woman? What role does the quality of representation play, relative to the attractiveness of the original subject? I have to say, Judge Parker wouldn’t have been my first source for a deconstruction of male gaze theory, but there you have it.

Rhymes with Orange, 8/6/13

Lady, your problem is not the obsolete phone — it’s the renegade car.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 8/5/13

I’m someone who does a lot of swimming, and I’m hard pressed to explain the physical activity in which Mary is engaged in panel one. Her torso appears to be more or less vertical, so she sure doesn’t seem to be swimming. If we imagine her making airplane noises as she flies her hand around, that would explain a lot. Frankly, I’m more concerned with panel two, in which we see Mary’s “negative feelings” dripping from her face in huge, viscous drops. Every rude remark and flash of anger Mary has ever masked under a veneer of vaguely passive aggressive cheer for years is soaking into that pool. If any normal human were to enter it, their flesh would be seared off in seconds.

Better Half, 8/5/13

Stanley is deeply, deeply invested in the traditional social construction of binary gender. Also, his doctor wouldn’t write him a scrip for Viagra, so he’s trying to wheedle it out of his pharmacist.

Hi and Lois, 8/5/13

Oh, man, check out that sexy look Lois is flashing Hi in panel two. Is there any conversation between these two that doesn’t immediately become foreplay? Though Hi’s response seems less “aroused” than “I’m about to be pushed to my physical and mental limits of endurance.”

Heathcliff, 8/5/13

I guess the caption here is supposed to evoke the Game of Thrones “Winter is coming” tagline, and we’re supposed to imagine Heathcliff unleashing a nightmarish storm of meat-acquisition violence on the helpless butchers. But I’m afraid all I can think of when I hear “meat storm” is terrible farts, sorry everyone.

Mark Trail, 8/5/13

“This isn’t going to be that easy, Trail! I’ve got to put down what’s in my hands, grab this shotgun, turn off the safety, cock it, and get a bead on you, all before you have a chance to run across a fairly small ro — oops, didn’t make it. Well, I did my best!”

PROGRAMMING ANNOUNCEMENT! I’ll be on vacation for the next week, but your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be filling in for me, so be nice to him. I shall return to comics mocking on Wednesday, August 14. See ya then!