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Mary Worth, 8/5/13

I’m someone who does a lot of swimming, and I’m hard pressed to explain the physical activity in which Mary is engaged in panel one. Her torso appears to be more or less vertical, so she sure doesn’t seem to be swimming. If we imagine her making airplane noises as she flies her hand around, that would explain a lot. Frankly, I’m more concerned with panel two, in which we see Mary’s “negative feelings” dripping from her face in huge, viscous drops. Every rude remark and flash of anger Mary has ever masked under a veneer of vaguely passive aggressive cheer for years is soaking into that pool. If any normal human were to enter it, their flesh would be seared off in seconds.

Better Half, 8/5/13

Stanley is deeply, deeply invested in the traditional social construction of binary gender. Also, his doctor wouldn’t write him a scrip for Viagra, so he’s trying to wheedle it out of his pharmacist.

Hi and Lois, 8/5/13

Oh, man, check out that sexy look Lois is flashing Hi in panel two. Is there any conversation between these two that doesn’t immediately become foreplay? Though Hi’s response seems less “aroused” than “I’m about to be pushed to my physical and mental limits of endurance.”

Heathcliff, 8/5/13

I guess the caption here is supposed to evoke the Game of Thrones “Winter is coming” tagline, and we’re supposed to imagine Heathcliff unleashing a nightmarish storm of meat-acquisition violence on the helpless butchers. But I’m afraid all I can think of when I hear “meat storm” is terrible farts, sorry everyone.

Mark Trail, 8/5/13

“This isn’t going to be that easy, Trail! I’ve got to put down what’s in my hands, grab this shotgun, turn off the safety, cock it, and get a bead on you, all before you have a chance to run across a fairly small ro — oops, didn’t make it. Well, I did my best!”

PROGRAMMING ANNOUNCEMENT! I’ll be on vacation for the next week, but your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be filling in for me, so be nice to him. I shall return to comics mocking on Wednesday, August 14. See ya then!

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Lockhorns, 8/4/13

Today’s multi-Lockhorns experience brings us the usual marital friction — Leroy is terrified about their finances, Leroy never fixes things around the house, Loretta packs too many things, Leroy is and always has been out of shape — but then we get to the bottom left panel. Pizza? What kind of monster doesn’t appreciate two large, piping hot pizzas? We’re expected to recognize this as another sad moment in the Lockhorns marriage? You’ve gone too far this time, Lockhorns. Too far!

Crankshaft, 8/4/13

Young Crankshaft is sad and lonely because all of his friends are off playing with other kids! Old Crankshaft is sad and lonely because all of his friends are dead.

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Judge Parker, 8/3/13

I have to admit I’m having a hard time getting a read on Judge Parker Senior’s expression in panel two, as he realizes that the concierge at the cruise ship’s business center isn’t just someone who passed some very basic training courses on using Microsoft Word and rebooting the Wi-Fi router, but is actually a gifted screenwriter who is ready to do all the work of adapting his novel for him. Is he having a Sarah Morgan-style epiphany about the emptiness of a life where everything is just handed to him? Or is it more a case of “Yeeeessss, labor is being done for me, as is my due”?

Mark Trail, 8/3/13

See, this is just more proof that Mark is a class act all the way. Sure, he might be forced by circumstances and your own villainy to knock you unconscious by kicking you in the face, but once you’re out he’ll be sure to gently lay your head on a cushy pillow of otter pelts. Or is that a cushy pillow of chilled otter carcasses? Either way, he’s nice, and isn’t afraid of a dead otter.

Better Half, 8/3/13

Harriet is trying to get Stanley riled up for sex, and since this is the Better Half she’s doing it in a really weird and gross way.