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Dennis the Menace and Heathcliff, 6/10/13

Since my main beef with Dennis the Menace is that he long ago ceased to be menacing, I feel obliged to acknowledge the flashes of menace we do see. Just trying to return some ice cream that you’ve already gotten your gross spit all over is less “menacing” than “kind of a dick move,” but I choose to believe that Dennis took the ice cream cone from this guy, gave it several long, languorous licks over a period about 45 seconds, all while maintaining unbroken eye contact, then thrust it back at him, saying “I don’t like this, give me money back.”

Heathcliff, meanwhile, is generally well known for a just-don’t-give-a-shit attitude of the sort that Dennis aspires to. However, here we see that he’s willing to kiss a little ass if that’s what it takes to get what he wants, which frankly saddens me.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/10/13

This strip has spent decades making jokes at the expense of rural Americans, but today’s strip, which implies that country folk are interbreeding with evolutionary throwbacks and other nonhuman hominids, goes too far.

Shoe, 6/10/13

This scene of newspapermen (or newspaperman-birds, I guess) blaming each other for the decline of their industry by spinning a nautical metaphor further and further out of usefulness is, I’m pretty sure, a fairly spot-on depiction of the modern media landscape.

Apartment 3-G, 6/10/13

“You’re kidding, right?! I’m not going to let you wear a white dress in front of a photographers. Lu Ann, you spill things a lot.’

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Better Half, 6/9/13

Sundays are great because we get a quadruple dose of the Parkers, the adorable, relatable couple we know so well. What ordinary life problems are these two grappling with this weekend? Clockwise from top left:

• Harriet is so unhealthily obsessed with her weight that she literally fantasizes about losing parts of her body, just so that she can see that number on the scale get smaller.
• No matter what time of day or night it is, Stanley is just sitting around the house, hazily slipping in and out of consicousness.
• Meanwhile when Harriet falls asleep, she immediately falls into the grips of intense anxiety dreams.
• Stanley’s body is falling apart.

Hagar the Horrible, 6/9/13

As a bloodthirsty Viking chieftan, Hagar has sacked and burned countless villages across Europe, and rules his own warrior band by threat of brutal violence. It should really come as no surprise that somebody’s trying to assassinate him.

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Apartment 3-G, 6/8/13

I’m not sure why, but I kind of assumed that Lu Ann and New York State’s handsome, eligible governor were having a secretive affair, hidden from the prying eyes of the press, mostly because he seems pretty sleazy and she seems kind of dumb and/or lacking in self-esteem. But no! Apparently she’ll be his date for the very public Governor’s Ball! But before then she has an “appointment with Zoey Ziggler,” and assuming that isn’t a euphemism for some sick sex thing (which it, along with “Governor’s Ball”, may well be), I guess that means she’s going to get dolled up to the level of beauty and sophistication necessary for state-level government pomp and circumstance. Hey, remember when the A3G girls went on a makeover reality show and Lu Ann got a totally different look and it lasted for like a week? Good luck to you, Zoey!

Judge Parker, 6/8/13

Sweet Jesus Xipe Totec, please let this plot end with the doctor-priests who run April’s dad’s compound wearing the flayed skins of the entire Parker-Spencer-Driver axis, calling down the power of the gods to cleanse their patients of cancer.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/8/13

“Ha ha, that would have probably been more natural to bring up when he was first mentioned a few minutes ago, huh? Anyway, pay attention to meeeeeeeeee.”