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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/5/14

After weeks of being mad that their babysitter was a terrible little whore, June has now, reluctantly, come around to the conclusion that the problem is really that her daughter is a blackmailing monster, and so she’s going to have a little talk with Kelly about the situation. Sarah’s creepy, unsmiling gaze, locked on Kelly in both panels, is pretty harrowing. “Remember, Kelly, snitches get stitches,” is what that look is very, very forcefully saying.

Judge Parker, 5/5/14

April is of course a well-trained intelligence agent and highly skilled killer, but it’s her long experience with her new in-laws that will help her out in this scenario. Remember, when trying to track down a member of the Spencer-Driver-Parker clan, just follow the trail of discarded cocktail glasses!

Spider-Man, 5/5/14

Say what you will about the ludicrous “Iron Jonah” plot that’s just now wrapping up, but it did feature a surprising amount of super-heroic action! Thank goodness that’s over so we can spend the next one to four weeks on more familiar ground, with some good old-fashioned feelings-processing.

Apartment 3-G, 5/5/14

“Keep it up, Tommie! You’ve isolated yourself from your friends and you’re working yourself to exhaustion for no pay at the command of this weird, controlling dude you barely know, and you’re still talking about that baby deer like it’s a person! You look great, in that sweater you’ve been wearing for three weeks straight! I’m an actual psychiatrist, by the way!”

Pluggers and Shoe, 5/5/14

THEY’RE BIRDS DAMN IT

BIRDS

BIRDS DON’T WEAR DENTURES AND THEY DON’T GO TO THE DENTIST AND THEY DON’T FLOSS BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE TEEEEETH

GOD DAMN IT

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Crankshaft, 5/4/14

Sure, Crankshaft’s relentless punning is irritating, but I think his forced little joke here has some solace for Keisterman. It’s true that his body is failing and that there’s nothing he can really do to permanently ease the pain of his bum shoulder; but at least he can take solace in the fact that his shoulder won’t literally die before he does, that he won’t be forced to go through his last years toting around a mass of necrotizing flesh and bone. This is the Funkyverse, Keisterman: The pain means you’re alive.

Heathcliff, 5/4/14

We interrupt this fiesta of filth to point out the unsettling fuzzy green figure in panel five, whom I assume to be beloved Sesame Street muppet and trash-can dweller Oscar the Grouch. As a quick Google Image Search will show you, even on the rare occasions when we see Oscar’s feet, they’re protruding from the bottom of his aluminum home. I’ve always assumed that he was like a hermit crab, with a borrowed exoskeleton necessary for survival during the adult phase of the life-cycle of his species, and so seeing him naked and unprotected like this is extremely disturbing to me.

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Gil Thorp, 5/3/14

Gil Thorp’s baseball-season storyline continues to be super boring, to the extent that today’s panel three got me thinking about how great it would be to see the Gil Thorp creative team take a few weeks off from high school sports action to give us a recap of the Battle of Stalingrad. It’d be all big flappy hands and confusing jumps back and forth to different indistinguishable soldiers in the various battle zones and occasional appearances by Field Marshal Erich von Manstein dispensing vague platitudes while wearing a shit-eating smirk. It would definitely be more interesting than whatever’s going on with Lucky Haskins’s academic problems, I tell you what.

Apartment 3-G, 5/3/14

Tommie has been under Jack’s Svengali-like sway for three whole weeks, which is plenty of time to get her into a routine, work her to exhaustion, and separate her from all desire to go back to her previous life. But he hasn’t stopped his scheming there, and frankly I approve of his plan to ply the formerly bearish Professor with carbs and cheese, as his new character design is far too emaciated for my taste.

Herb and Jamaal, 5/3/14

Yes, why would you solve a math problem with some dumb old “equation” when you could just use common sense instead? That … that would be a super power, honestly.