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Hello, everybody! Are you interested in this week’s top comment? Yes, of course you are.

“Whatever Spiderman is doing, it seems to please the gods of Asgard. ‘We behold the clenching of your thighs with great delight, mortal!'” –nescio

And the runners up, very amusing!

“Nola also has a vestigial nose between her disproportionately large eyes — all the better to smell Mary’s cup of I-told-you-so.” –Comcis Fan

“Wow, just look at Scott work his seduction magic! ‘She died so young and so tragically. I suppose I should tell you the whole story, it’s just that it makes me so sad, and angry, and sexily complicated…'” –pugfuggly

“Nothing destroys a foot fetish faster than a someone sporting feet with three, equal sized, bulging toes.” –Izzy

“‘We may need him in case anyone shows up!’ What, like he’s going to be the receptionist?” –Hogenmogen

“Wait, you … you’re not a furry? You said the stilted code phrase and everything!” –bunivasal

“In her reply to my second text, Summer suggested that I begin my sentences like a normal person.” –Chareth Cutestory

“The texting portion of this Funky Winkerbean plot had better wrap up soon, considering Nerd McNerderson’s felt need to give the rundown on the text message count. ‘Her reply to my second text,’ eh? Is there enough room in a speech balloon if this goes on for another week? ‘I just sent my 5th bewildered reply to her third threat of a restraining order. Or was it fourth? Who’s counting?'” –Brian Jones

“I mean, a proper Parker engagement ring would have a diamond big enough to stub your toe on if you accidentally dropped it. This is probably a Parker friendship ring.” –Mark B.

“Thus begins a bizarre fetish for Dolly: she eventually grows up and marries an Oldsmobile. The family pretends not to notice, but they all die a little more than usual inside.” –Noel Schornhorst

“Could we please, sometime in the next few weeks, see Abbey and Sam riding over their land and talking about how many thousands of acres they own? I like my fantasies multifaceted.” –Poteet

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Family Circus, 4/20/12

Aww, isn’t that sweet? Ma Keane can’t stand physical contact with Dolly, for obvious reasons, but instead of just letting her wither and die without affectionate touch, she’s convinced her that the seatbelts are some kind of wire mother. The car will hug you even though Mommy can’t, Dolly!

Most repurposed car cartoons from the ’60s and ’70s, of which this Family Circus is almost certainly one, feature seatbelts that were pretty obviously drawn in later (i.e., they attach to nothing in particular at the ceiling, they tuck weirdly under characters’ turtlenecks, etc.) in order to make Americans forget about the glorious former age when gas was 50 cents a gallon and cars were gorgeously designed high-powered death traps and we didn’t care whether we or our children lived or died. Still, it’s kind of weird to take an altered cartoon like this and make it actually about seatbelts. One wonders what the original caption was. “I almost broke through the windshield that time, Mommy! Next time slam on the brakes a little harder!”

Judge Parker, 4/20/12

Aw, not only do Randy and April get wealth and power without any effort or merit, but they also get true love, the kind that ordinary people like you will never experience! I’m intrigued/disgusted by April’s claim that she wanted to marry Randy from the day she met him, which seems to lend credence to the idea that she’s a CIA superagent detailed to protect him at all costs, because really, who’d fall in love at first sight with Randy, gross. The earliest example of Randy-April romance I could find in my archives is from six and a half years and two artists ago; I don’t think it’s supposed to be the day they met, but it’s instructive nonetheless, as it features skilled marksperson/all-around badass April feigning incompetence, because that’s what boys like; later, Randy makes a crude sexual demand.

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/19/12

Congrats to Funky Winkerbean for coming up with a storyline that finally makes me feel hate for it again, instead of just bemused indifference! I don’t know why I find Underclassman Nerd Whose Name I Don’t Remember’s love for Summer so irritating. As a nerd myself who likes feisty, non-demure gals, you’d think I’d be in his corner, but I just find his whole strategy and technique annoying and doomed. Since he first fell for her because she rescued him from a bully, I suppose that the inevitable ending of this plot, in which Summer punches U.N.W.N.I.D.R. in the face, will at least provide some O. Henry-style chuckles.

Today’s strip also made me laugh joylessly at the thought that Montoni’s represents “good pizza,” rather than “the only pizza you can eat outside your home in this hell-burg, and also Summer’s dad works there so what do you expect.”

Crock, 4/19/12

You guys, nobody tell the creators of Crock that “pitch a tent” is a euphemism for sporting a visible erection, OK? I don’t want them to be embarrassed about how they accidentally used the phrase in this comic. (I choose to believe that they’re unfamiliar with this bit of modern-day slang, because the alternative is too awful to contemplate.)

Marvin, 4/19/12

Marvin’s parents can’t bring themselves to kill him with a rock, so they’ve just fled from the house and are letting him starve to death.