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Mary Worth, 6/3/12

Well, this is an unexpected development! It seems that Wilbur is looking to get Dawn out of his few remaining hairs by shipping her off to … exotic Italy! With Giorgio, who sounds sexxay. And maybe married, but whatever, they do things differently over there, as I’ve been led to believe by Silvio Berlusconi. This seems like exactly what Dawn needs to pull her out of her funk.

And what a funk it is, as we reach day seven of Dawn lying on the couch and watching Game of Thrones and intermittently blurting out “Life is brutal.” Although with her eyes closed and neither hand properly visible, I’m tempted to guess that she’s actually engaging in a little self-pleasure right there in the living room, which, good for her in general, but not bothering to get out of home spaces Wilbur might at any moment occupy may be a symptom of larger problems. And it isn’t even during one of the show’s many sex scenes! (I’ve never watched it, but I’m given to understand that you see balls and/or boobies about once every 45 seconds.) Also, if “Life is brutal” is what she says while orgasming, we may have an explanation for why her relationships all seem to end so abruptly.

Dick Tracy, 6/3/12

Little Face has been nice enough to spy on his evil crime gang for Dick and the cops, so you’d think that they’d have him wear a wire in the traditional sense of wearing one concealed under his clothes, rather than giving him a clunky old two-way wrist TV that’s totally visible and emits glowing electrical arcs to boot.

Six Chix, 6/3/12

You heard it here first, parents: spend too much time on the computer and your child will go catch whatever diseases you get from splashing around in bird shit.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/2/12

You have to hand it to today’s Rex Morgan. It faced a difficult test — “Can we depict a drunken younger woman, dressed in fairly modest mourning clothes, strangling an old lady, but at the same time remind our readers that younger one has large, shapely breasts?” — and passed with flying colors.

Apartment 3-G, 6/2/12

Desperate to change Nina’s mindset and put a stop to her irrational fear of childbirth, Tommie has come up with a new religion based around worship of Nina’s unborn child, with Tommie as the high priestess.

Judge Parker, 6/2/12

Sam is staring at that signed contract with more affection in his eyes than he’s ever show to his wife, children, or any other human being. I know this is supposed to be a “realistic” strip, but shouldn’t he really have dollar signs floating around his head?

Family Circus, 6/2/12

If the Family Circus suddenly became a body horror comic, with the Keane Kids cracking wise as fingers grew out of their feet and their ears dripped blood and their hair fell out and the back of their heads were covered with eyeballs, would that be more or less disturbing than the jokes they use now? Discuss.

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Hello all! It being the first of the month, it is my day to remind you that, if you enjoy using and/or following jokesters on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, or Google+, why, you can follow me on any of those services, merely by clicking the appropriate links previously in this sentece! I post mostly the same things to all of these sites (links to updates to this blog, links to things I write elsewhere, announcements about projects, links to things I think are funny, dumb jokes) so probably just pick the one you like best. Or pick none at all! The choice is yours.

And now, your anti-social comment of the week!

“In the time it’s taking Sam and Avery to blather about getting ready for a fly-fishing trip, entire species of fish have evolved, risen to dominate their ecosystems, and died out again. Meanwhile, Sophie’s learned two guitar chords and Abbey has found a new way to jut.” –Amy Stephenson

And your runners up! Very funny!

“‘Wilbur tries to comfort Dawn.’ That is the saddest thing I’ve ever read.” –lorne

“After a week or so of strips listing all the specs of Sam’s new fishing rod, I fully expect to learn secondhand that a recurring character has died off-panel in the meantime. Details will be sketchy at best.” –Doctor Handsome

“At this point (yes, now) I’m really wondering who the demographic for Judge Parker is, outside of Los Mudges. I get it that it’s supposed to be escapist richy-rich fantasy, but really, it’s like having Dynasty served up 3 sentences per day. I wonder if someone is lounging around in a villa somewhere saying, ‘Jeeves, read me today’s Judge Parker if you’d be so kind.'” –Santa Royale With Cheese

“Today we see that Mark is slowly paddling a canoe by himself up to Mike Harris’s isolated cabin all alone in the deep woods, so that he can confront Mr. Harris, a once chain-smoking but now nervous, irritable killer who has framed someone else for his crime, a scheme that can be undone only by evidence that Mark alone has in his possession. And Mike Harris has of course already proven himself to be a deadly shot at long range, so a lone canoeist all exposed in the middle of the river would be an almost trivial target. This story arc is encouraging, so far!!!” –seismic-2

“Please, please, please let us be heading toward a JP/MT crossover! It’s a square-jawed asexual fish-off! Widow Chavez turns out to be an assassin and winds up in a shotgun duel with the unknowingly deadly Peaches! Air to air combat between Avery and Harris! Don’t deny me, old-school comics, I need this.” –geekwhisperer

“Maybe Judge Parker could be given over completely to a tie-in with a new Home Not Shopping Channel. The channel would feature products that no viewer could possibly afford. There would be no call-in number for orders. Viewers would see Peaches and other models endlessly displaying high-end luxury goods, and a parade of wealthy guest stars would drop by to affect a mein of smug indifference while the host gave them the merchandise for free.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“I think we’re in for a Phantom of the Opera-type story here. Except instead of a phantom, it will be a clown, and instead of an opera, it will be a really bad play.” –Weaselboy

“You all laugh now, but Clown-9 may be to Spider-Man what the Joker is to Batman. They are already direct opposites; Clown-9 is getting dressed and planning his day, while Spider-Man is laying on the couch watching TV naked.” –S. Stout

“What drugs are they doing over there at Marvel to allow a character resembling a 1950s-one-shot-joke-criminal-from-Batman be introduced as the main protagonist in a 2012 daily Spider-Man comic no one but the people reading this site care about? Because I want some! Don’t those one-step-above-an-intern colorists have any idea how much continuity-arguing and plot-line complications they’re creating for fanboys and comic nerds for the next millennium? I look forward to the day, 30 years from now, when some Frank Miller/Neil Gaiman-esque dreamer grittily reboots this villain in a graphic novel where Hardy Laurel eats the faces off his victims and wears their skin onstage, taking hostages and forcing them to watch his ‘comedic acting’ until they don’t laugh enough, at which point he electrocutes them. Wherein, once again, Spider-Man will merely mope.” –OhMyGod76

“I’m only slightly embarassed to admit that I went through the Mary Worth archives to confirm that Dawn has said ‘Life is brutal’ verbatim on three separate occasions. While not qualified to really offer an opinion, I’d say she’s pretty much out of her gourd.” –Tim

“Shudder to think what it would be like to see Wilbur shutting a door with that determined look on his face, then saunter his way across the room to grab you. I have never felt more empathy for a telephone than the one we see in panel two.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Hello, Quiznos Subs and Sandwiches … no, I will not read the menu to you over the phone. And this is your last warning about this, Mr. Weston.” –pugfuggly

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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