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Let’s no waste any time, but get right to this week’s top comment!

“Thieves stole over 200,000 dollars from a bank! Now back to our much less interesting story about a dog that does taxes or whatever I don’t even care anymore.” –Chyron HR

And the very funny runners up!

“Yes, Nola, the Charterstone Tramp who’ll talk to anybody, dares to talk to married men at the pool party, but Wilbur — poor, poor unmarried Wilbur! — can only console his inner-scream loneliness at the Buffet of Round Objects.” –mojo

“Look at the expressions on Dennis’ parents’ faces. They’re not stupid, they can smell weakness and Dennis is pumping it out by the barrel. In 24 hours Dennis is either going to be in military school or in a gunny sack … maybe both.” –Mumblix Grumph

“Am I the only person here totally confused by Toby’s use of the phrase ‘under wraps’? Keeping something ‘under wraps’ means keeping it a secret, right? So she thinks the only way she can keep her husband from cheating on her is by refusing to tell anyone he exists? Unless … unless he’s dead and she just remembered that it’s time to change his mummy wrappings! That makes Mary’s response make more sense, too, since clearly Ian can only walk on consecrated ground.” –Spyglass

“Speaking of Dawn, I don’t see her standing reverently next to her father, complimenting his food stacking abilities. Could it be she’s off in her room Face-tweeting, Twit-booking, saxting or whatever it is the kids do with their technologies?” –Effluvius Erratus

“I’ve been hypnotized by the hastily-added megasideburn in the 3rd panel of Mark Trail. Now I need a doctor’s note to return back to work.” –Jocelyn Knockersbury

“Considering the current economic climate, Tommie sure seems to get a lot of offers of pity-employment.” –Nekrotzar

“Well, Mary Beth, it’s also been said that boys don’t make passes at girls who look like they have progeria.” –Dono

“Don’t worry Mary Beth: boys think it’s awesome when a girl can cook possum.” –NoahSnark

“It says a lot about the artwork in Family Circus when Daddy Keane’s absurdly dainty ankles are the creepiest thing going on in a panel where the only possible inference is that Jeffy is about to bludgeon his father to death. Dad can’t even make a run for his life, because his ankles would snap if he placed any weight on them.” –DaveyK

“All sentences from here on out will start with OBSEQUIOUS TIGER” –Stickerz

“I must commend the writers of Mary Worth for having the sheer decency to use their signatures to prevent any further exposure of that guy’s chest hair.” –Irrischano

“C’mon, Tommie. Let the Status Quo reassert itself. You know you want to.” –Mibbitmaker

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/3/12

I have to admit that I’ve had a hard time following the current Rex Morgan plot, which involves one of Rex’s patients who died and left him everything, and a mad (ex-?)wife, and a mysterious daughter who may or may not be the (ex-?)wife’s daughter too, and an equally mysterious book, but I am pretty amused by June’s seemingly very firm knowledge that whatever it was Foster Woods wrote about, it was not for little girls, not even creepily precocious ones. Despite June’s best efforts, though, Sarah has already stumbled upon the CD-ROM containing the audio-visual component of Chasing Mildred: An Erotic Multimedia Experience.

Six Chix, 2/3/12

“Don’t worry, we’ve left you this scalpel and this hypodermic as weapons. How long can you fend off the residents’ unnecessary and invasive procedures? A nationwide TV audience will be watching to find out!”

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Apartment 3-G, 2/2/12

I was going to make fun of Dan Diller for having a studio full of primitive, Eisenhower-era electronic equipment, but then I noticed that the UNIVAC I unit in the background seems to have sprouted a mechanical arm between panels one and two. “WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, FLESH-UNITS?” the vacuum-tube-controlled machine barked out, as its deadly new limb dealt out death to all biological life.

Beetle Bailey, 2/2/12

You know, much as I root with varying degrees of subtlety for legacy comics to one day realize that they’re relics and that they should just pack it all in, I admit that it can be hard to come up with a suitably dramatic ending for decades of newspaper comics entertainment. But I think we can all agree that, say, having all of your irritating characters being eaten by bears, one by one, would probably be a good showing.

Hagar the Horrible, 2/2/12

Hmm, it seems Helga has been saying for three years that she asked God to improve her husband ten years ago, which is chronologically confusing. Perhaps instead we are meant to understand that all of Hagar the Horrible takes place in some fractured, Tarantino-esque chronology, where we jump back and forth between different episodes (the castle raid, the shipwreck, etc.) in a non-linear fashion. Thus, assuming this is actually the same incident as the previous strip, my speculation in 2009 that Helga will offer the Nordic pantheon human sacrifices if they would only hear her plea seems to finally be confirmed.

Mary Worth, 2/2/12

Whoa, it looks like Nola isn’t just a sinister sexual she-predator; she’s a master of interpersonal judo as well! Rather than attempting to escape Mary’s meddling powers, she’s instead turned her opponent’s greatest strength into a weakness. All she has to do is ask for tips on bedding every man in the condo complex; Mary, having sworn the Biddy’s Oath to always offer friendly advice, will be forced to aid and abet her reign of erotic terror.

Phantom, 2/2/12

Meanwhile, the Phantom is infiltrating the lair of the Ten Tigers, a sinister Chinese crime syndicate! I’m glad to see that bloodthirsty Asian gangsters use the exact same speakerphone that I’ve seen in every conference room in every bland, low-slung suburban office building I’ve ever been in.