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Mary Worth, 9/26/11

Ha ha, for someone who’s been leaning on Gina for weeks to go find true love with the childhood sweetheart who’s long forgotten her, Mary sure hasn’t come up with any particularly practical method to bring the two of them together. “Gina, I know that soccer stars are the biggest celebrities in the United States, and that therefore Bobby is surrounded by handlers and bodyguards at all times, with an ordinary mortal like you being incapable of getting any kind of message to him. Have you considered camping out at the arena for days in advance, so you can select the perfect seat in the front row and hope against hope that he catches a glimpse of you as he runs past?” “No, Mary, I’m thinking of a more direct way to contact him! I’ll just bribe the security staff at the hotel where he’s staying to let me into his suite, where I’ll wait in the bathroom for him, with a knife!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/26/11

Oh, snap, it looks like Spider isn’t just another one of Rex Morgan’s endless string of punk rock villains, which is great, because the only thing better than ham-fistedly evil punk rockers are ham-fistedly emo punk rockers. He’s actually going to be a way for all of us to learn about the serious problem of teenage self-harm, and how you shouldn’t call kids who need help with real psychological conditions “losers,” especially if you’re a former petty thief whose mom is a meth addict.

Apartment 3-G, 9/26/11

Hey, wait, remember how Paul bought a rundown old house in the country, because he couldn’t live with his parents forever? Well, apparently now that he’s chosen a mate, he was let in on the Linski code: all mated Linskis must live in the quarters prepared for them on the Linski cult compound … or be destroyed.

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Beetle Bailey, 9/25/11

As I’ve noted before, I’m totally down Beetle Bailey’s depiction of General Halftrack’s increasingly rapid descent into alcohol-fueled dementia. I approve because I enjoy jarring mismatches of tone and subject matter, and unlike some strips we could mention that get Very Serious with their Sad and Serious topics, Beetle Bailey seems to be under the impression that Halftrack’s angry and disoriented flailing is awesome fodder for wacky jokes. Which it isn’t but there’s something meta-funny about the strip’s complete inability to see that, you know? Anyway, things get extra hilarious today when the General destroys Army property and then discharges his sidearm in violation of any number of military regulations, before collapsing (it’s not clear whether that’s because the booze has overpowered him or he’s suffered a deadly rage-stroke).

Oh, also, I made this panel for you, to use as your Twitter avatar or put on your Tumblr where you curate zany contextless images or whatever:

Family Circus, 9/25/11

Awww, Jeffy’s learning life skills! Hateable life skills.

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Six Chix, 9/24/11

Complaining about the weird names that coffee chains give their various sizes on the Internet is pretty much the early 21st century equivalent of complaining about airline food on Evening At The Improv in the ’80s, but, really folks, what’s the deal with the weird names coffee chains give their sizes, am I right? They say “tall” when they mean “small,” ha ha! Anyway, at first it seems like this comic might be going in that direction, but it seems that the sizes at this particular coffee shop not only lack whimsical names but indeed lack any kind of proper noun referent whatsoever, indicating the dearth of imagination one might expect from a place called “Coffee World.” Based on the denouement, I guess the customer is less interested in actually sizing the coffee and more just trying to get the pretty boy to say words with his pretty mouth.

Pluggers, 9/24/11

Pluggers has spent this whole week regaling us with Pluggerisms from the Great Falls area, and it’s been a real eye opener for us coastal elitists. For instance, before today I assumed that a small town nestled in the Rockies would have beautiful clear air, but this panel reveals that the whole region is blanketed by a layer of noxious, carcinogenic fumes. Never go there!