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Spider-Man, 5/5/11

I was about to give this dreary Spider-Man vampire plot credit for its first genuine bit of horror, as Martine and Morbius’s eyes are suddenly and without explanation transformed into awful, toothy mouths, but then I realized that their pupils have just turned into bats — very, very crudely drawn bats — and it’s supposed to be, like, symbolic or whatever.

Apartment 3-G, 5/5/11

Ha, and now that Trey’s softened up the old man, Margo comes in to apply some brutality. “I hope the money’s coming from Herriman and Fowler! Just make that check out to ‘Trey and Margo’s sex vacation fund,’ or my associate here will be forced to do terrible, terrible things to you, and not the fun kind.”

Funky Winkerbean, 5/5/11

Have you been thinking, “Damn it, I wish Les would stop toying with these two women who for unexplainable reasons are attracted to him and just pick one to share his lovemaking stylings with”? Well, I’ll bet you’re sorry now.

Mark Trail, 5/5/11

As Mark squirmed into his cocoon, he thought of the many long-haired and bearded men whom he had defeated via fisticuffs over the years. But little did he know that he would soon be facing his greatest nemesis ever: Jesus Christ.

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Beetle Bailey, 5/4/11

Well, it’s Wednesday, and as all Beetle Bailey trufans know, that means it’s time for Miss Buxley to be sexually humiliated! There have been few visions in this strip more unsettling than General Halftrack and his two lackeys grinning maniacally, sitting two feet away from a computer screen, looking at sexy swimsuit pics of their secretary, who in turn is sitting only about five feet away from them. Notice that only one hand is visible on those gentlemen! I guess we should be thankful that the base’s chaplain at least disapproves, though not to the extent that he’s going to actually say anything non-passive-aggressive about it.

Spider-Man, 5/4/11

Speaking of sexy outfits, when Martine became a vampire, she apparently became a sexy vampire, if by “sexy” you mean “wearing some high-cut leotard-esque thing with a cape.” Sadly, I can’t appreciate the erotic vampire-thigh on display because I’m distracted/horrified by Mary Jane’s looming semi-conscious face at the bottom of the third panel. You have to give the artist credit for really trying nail the perspective right in his attempt to show the viewer what it would look like to be standing on some poor passed out woman’s chin while watching a couple of ludicrously dressed vampires have a domestic squabble a few feet away.

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Mark Trail, 5/3/11

Ha ha, remember last week when you were all like “Dudes with mustaches, they must be bad,” but then later you thought, “Oh, I’m not giving this strip enough credit.” Well, you totally were giving it the exact right amount of credit, my friend! I can’t believe this trio — one with a mustache, one with hair that reaches his collar, and one who wears a motorcycle helmet, presumably to hide even worse crimes against grooming — dare to refer to themselves as “clean-cut kids,” mostly because they all appear to be about 35.

B.C., 5/3/11

Hey there, legacy cartoonist or cartoonists now helming B.C. on behalf of John L. Hart FLP, the whole point of the “Wiley’s Dictionary” jokes (aka the “Book on a Rock” jokes) is to slap some clip art around a painfully unfunny joke and/or pun and then head out to the golf course. There’s no need to, say, show whatever random character you have reading the dictionary straighten up in disgust and contempt at the joke’s corniness in the second panel. That sort of thing just smacks of effort.

Phantom, 5/3/11

When Diana decided to call up Savarna, who made a play for the Phantom when everyone thought Diana was dead, I assumed that she just wanted to taunt her. But don’t worry about Savarna! She’s working out her sexual frustrations very nicely, thank you, just shootin’ massive artillery pieces at stuff, by remote control.