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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/16/11

You know, I thought I had already unwillingly contemplated all the ways in which existence among the inbred, illiterate wretches of Hootin’ Holler would be awful, but here comes today’s strip to prove me wrong! Can you imagine what life must be like for what I assume is the community’s sole undertaker? Day after day, he must deal with the town’s filthy, hirsute dead, and some dim sense of how civilized people look and behave drives him to provide them in death with a modicum of the dignity that they cared nothing for in life. I’m actually kind of surprised that Loweezy and Elviney even recognize Travis, and don’t hiss at his strange, hairless face, fearful of whatever devil-magic cleaned all the grime off of it.

Mark Trail, 5/16/11

Ha ha, what if all this “there’s a crazy man living in the woods” business was just a distraction from the real story here: namely, that the bears have finally decided to rise up against us? One shouldn’t doubt their capability to put their revolutionary schemes into effect, as they’re clearly intelligent to eliminate the Mark Trail, the only human who could stop them, before moving against the cities.

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Panel from Hi and Lois, 5/15/11

Perhaps you have lived your life thinking that Hi Flagston is a well-adjusted suburban dad and not a completely unfulfilled emotional basket case whose veneer of sanity is always on the verge of shattering, revealing the madness beneath? Well, today’s throwaway panel will change your mind, my friend. Just as Hi’s hero Tony Montana wiped out a trio of enemies with his improvised weaponry, Hi apparently plans to literally mow down anyone who stands in his way — starting, tragically, with his own son.

Apartment 3-G, 5/15/11

Whoops, it looks like I was wrong about who was getting married in the current A3G wedding interlude, but, in my defense, I don’t care about Jack and Doris at all, so whatever. Still, I have to admit that Doris’s ad-libbed “FOREVER” in panel two sounds a lot like what she’d proclaim right before, say, dipping her beloved in a vat of liquid bronze so that he remains forever perfect and untouched by the hand of time, which might explain why Margo looks so put off in the final panel by the thought that what happened at the church today could happen to anyone.

Beetle Bailey, 5/15/11

So, what’s the most disturbing panel in today’s Beetle Bailey? It’s the pillow-humping, right? It’s not just me, is it?

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B.C., 5/14/11

If you’re not a regular B.C. reader, you might at first be a little confused as to why the man talking to the one-legged man is standing in some kind of pit. Fear not — there’s a completely reasonable explanation! As you can tell by the fact that the one-legged man is wearing a baseball cap and is addressed as “coach,” our characters are actually in the middle of a baseball game, and the pit is actually a dugout, which is “dug out” of the ground! Ha ha, get it?

If you’re not a regular B.C. reader, you might now expect to me explain literally every other aspect of this cartoon to you. But I can’t! Because it doesn’t make any sense! With the shock collars and … and “your little game of dodge the raptor” … and … buh?

Ziggy, 5/14/11

In other news, an abstract concept seems to have left a literal turd on Ziggy’s doorstep.