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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/21/23

We all know that newspaper comics in general and newspaper soap opera comics in particular are being kept alive by a readership that skews old enough that it is imperative that everyone involved in producing said soap opera comics do everything they can to keep said readership alive, for their own sakes. The tactic Rex Morgan, M.D., has taken to meet this goal is to make everything as low stakes as possible, because even the smallest degree of surprise could cause unpleasant cardiac complications, which is why everyone is treating the fact that an attempted murderer has managed to escape custody and is now at large like a funny little “Oopsie! Ha ha, that’s our Rene!” This cruise ship is still at sea, which means that the killer and his intended victim are stuck together in a limited space, a premise that has powered any number of successful suspense films — but don’t worry, there’s no suspense here! It’s Rex Morgan, M.D. Everything is fine.

Beetle Bailey and Dennis the Menace, 5/21/23

I get and honestly respect that one of the biggest advantages of writing a syndicated newspaper comic is that you can run into one of life’s little modern annoyances and say to yourself, “Hey, you know who else probably finds this annoying? All the old people who read my comic strip.” Of these two examples of the genre, I have to say that Beetle Beetle is by far the more successful, in that it’s integrated the inciting annoyance into a character-driven joke, whereas Dennis the Menace just has Mr. Wilson yelling the things that we all, admittedly, want to yell.

Gasoline Alley, 5/21/23

Not to be a know-it-all, but the average price of a gallon of milk in the U.S. has been higher than the average price of a gallon of gasoline for 19 of the past 23 years! I’m also hung up on why Clovia says that gas AND postage is high and that’s why it’s cheaper to mail something than drive it. Still, I get that inflation can be a confusing economic phenomenon that doesn’t affect all regions or products equally, so I want to reserve my harshest criticism for Slim, who in the final panel reveals that he thinks an oil barrel is some kind of animal or maybe plant that, when properly fed and cared for, produces more oil.

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Blondie and Hi and Lois, 5/20/23

As a participant in the childfree lifestyle, I appreciate what representation I can find in the comics, even if it’s just Dagwood and Blondie’s best only friends Herb and Tootsie, or Hi and Lois’s best friends Hi’s coworker Thirsty and his wife Irma, who they keep at arm’s length. Anyway, Thirsty has at least come round to his opinion on procreation based on hard experience over a too-short fence, whereas Herb seems to be guessing at “parenting” activities based on movies he saw 20 years ago.

Judge Parker, 5/20/23

Oh, right, remember Eric, the traumatized son of the murderous meth judge? Well, his dad went to jail and now he’s living with Abbey, or maybe with Abbey’s horses. Abbey has been “feeling lost” ever since her dumb business venture, her political career, and her marriage all failed, but she has an idea, if Sophie is willing the help! (The idea is using Eric and Sophie to breed a new “master race” of weird sad foundling kids who ended up on Abbey’s ranch for whatever reason.)

Beetle Bailey, 5/20/23

OK, so the bad news is that we’re fighting another war, but the good news is that after like 70-plus years, the military has determined that Beetle is finally adequately trained to fight in it.

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“I see why Jeff bought a much bigger boat. If you want to discuss Wilbur’s sex prowess and escape the judgment of men, you better go into international waters. But can you escape the judgement of God?” –Ettorre

And your very funny runners up!

“‘No, Jeff, it’s exactly as it should be.’ Calm down, Mary. Even though you’re right, there’s no need to be the boss of Jeff’s opinions, because he always has the weakest opinions imaginable. I don’t think he’s actually convinced this isn’t all a dream. I know I’m not.” –made of wince

“Dustin’s dad wouldn’t last five seconds in France. Partly because of his lack of respect for strikes, but mostly because that sandwich looks like the worst croque monsieur I’ve ever seen.” –Schroduck

“After yesterday’s Mother’s Day aberration, Hi has gone back to his usual level of helpfulness around the house. He also walks up behind Lois when she’s washing dishes and points out when she’s missed a spot.” –Peanut Gallery

“Dustin is coming home from a (presumably) 9-5 job talking about ‘departments’ wearing a jacket/tie while his dad is casually sitting in the kitchen eating a sandwich. Sounds like Dustin’s dad is being the lazy layabout today! Get to work, Dustin’s dad!” –ALK

“Count Weirdly’s plan is to get Max so stirred up about his new ‘wonder weapon’ that he will demand that the Animal government take immediate action and fund a massive cost-plus program to prevent propeller drones in space. Weirdly Industries will be more than happy to help out.” –But What Do I Know?

“‘Refund’ I can only assume in Hootin’ Holler means ‘took a decades-old axe to the store and used it to rob them of some change then left it behind because a lifetime of drinking moonshine does a number on the old memory.’ Or maybe it’s a new axe, but there’s no way Snuffy had a receipt for it, so some sort of threat was definitely involved.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Dr. Jeff knows ‘surf n’ turf’ generally means a piece of beef tenderloin and a lobster tail. By ordering a bowl of clam chowder and a strip steak instead, he’s having his usual little Bum Boat joke. ‘I’ll have surf n’ turf … clam chowder and a steak! Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha.’ ‘Dr. Jeff will have his little joke,’ says Jerry, then goes back into the kitchen to spit in their food.” –Ukulele Ike

“Don’t let looks deceive you — they could be sexting each other right now!” –Pozzo

“<He’s wearing a cowboy hat. He must be extra American.>” –Kevin On Earth

“We’ve been talking nonstop since we sat down, Jeff, and I’m bored and unhappy.” –Liam

“Sorry, can’t comment right now, just going through every Madonna song I know and trying to figure out which one would be funniest in an Elmer Fudd voice. So far the frontrunner is ‘Papa Don’t P(w)each.’” –pugfuggly

“[Reads comic] [Starts pondering the theology of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC] [Starts constructing elaborate fan theory that Beetle Bailey represents the Seven Deadly Sins and Dante’s Inferno, then tying in Hi and Lois, Hagar, and the lesser known Boner’s Ark] [Wakes up 20 years later, finding myself the Kevin Feige of the Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC Studios and cinematic Universe]” –Philip

“We have 25 different beers! No thumbs, though.” –pastordan

“If you spent time at Roz’s Existential Lunch Counter — which has no food, plates, utensils, napkins, or cash registers, and ‘serves’ nothing but empty water glasses — you’d be depressed too.” –BigTed

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