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Dick Tracy, 5/29/10

The current Dick Tracy storyline, in which one of Dick’s old adversaries (or possibly said adversary’s grandson) has gone to all the trouble of being cast opposite Dick in a dramatic re-enactment of one of his old cases just so he can murder the detective and one or more bystanders in front of hundreds of onlookers, is painfully dumb, dumber than usual for this feature, and I’ve been studiously ignoring it. However, I do have to pause to offer appreciation for the fact that Director Lady Whose Punny Name I Have Forgotten has chosen to only thought-balloon that “Oh, no!” Sure, there’s a crazed murderer on the lose and the entire audience is at risk, and it’s important to tell people that, but we wouldn’t want to start a panic with unseemly displays of emotion.

Crock, 5/29/10

We’ve already established that the Crock artist has long forgotten, if he ever knew, that Grossie is supposed to be wearing a niqab. So I suppose it makes sense that he might think of that cap on the top of her head as a “hairstyle.”

Hey, everybody! By the time you see this, I’ll be gone for the long weekend. See ya back here Monday evening, or maybe Tuesday morning!

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Momma, 5/28/10

Reading Momma is always a harrowing experience, but rarely does the strip get into Funky Winkerbean territory and actively discuss, say, suicide. Not content to have Momma simply make awkward conversation with the widow of a man who just killed himself, today’s strip takes us on journey ever deeper into sorrow. At first we are lead to believe that Sadie’s husband killed himself because his failing body left him in constant agony; but then, as Sadie gives Momma an icy glare, we realize the truth: that he took his life because of the failure of her marriage, and that she frankly believes that this was the only reasonably reaction on his part. Fun!

Hagar the Horrible, 5/28/10

Of course, it’s leagues more sophisticated than Hagar the Horrible, which features a dog who really, really has to go to the bathroom. Don’t “relax” your bowels, Snert!

Crankshaft, 5/28/10

A question for northeast Ohioans: in your local dialect, does “wuss” rhyme with “bus”? Follow-up question: Do you smile cheerfully in the wake of repeated assaults on your property, believing them to be the inevitable punishment of a sadistic creator?

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/27/10

Oh my gosh, have I really not commented on Rex Morgan for more than a month? Well, a lot happened in that time! Toots told June that all of Brook’s crazy stories about her drunken abusive mother were true, and then the nail salon lady gave Brook the day’s receipts to take to the bank, and Brook said she got robbed, and the cop didn’t seem to believe her but June showed up and did her Icy Death Glare thing at him and he scurried off. This really is a lot, for a soap opera comic strip!

Anyway, I will say this for Rex Morgan, M.D., and the other Woody Wilson-penned strip, Judge Parker: Generally speaking their plot outcomes are not painfully obvious a week into the storyline, the way they are in, say, Mary Worth or Mark Trail. We were discussing the current RMMD plot at this past weekend’s get-together, and I tentatively guessed that Brook was running some scam; I now tentatively believe she’s telling the truth, and am overjoyed to find that she will be vindicated by one of RMMD’s trademarked wacky walk-on characters: J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective! I’m only seeing about sixty percent of this dude’s face and I’m already in love with him. See those glasses? He won them from some irritating hipster, in a knife fight.

Pluggers, 5/27/10

Here are my three interpretations of this dynamic, in order of decreasing charity:

• Pluggers have crippling social anxiety and don’t want to interact with strangers unless they absolutely have to.
• Pluggers’ bodies are so bloated and creaky that getting out of a car seat is a painful exercise, so why bother doing it if there isn’t cheap food as a reward for the effort?
• Pluggers like making their wives do irritating little errands for them, as it is the only moment of power they feel over the course of their sad, pathetic day.

Mary Worth, 5/27/10

Say what you will about Mary, but she’s willing to see her meddle-missions through to the end, even at great personal cost to herself. Here, for instance, she pauses to do important meddling follow-up with Bonnie, despite the fact that she’s just been stabbed in the neck.